Lil Stalker

Today I have been in a horrible mood because of yesterday and having to cook all day in the heat (unappreciated) and something else perpy.  I was going nuts when I decided to Google my sister AGAIN.  I am sorry to admit I sort of “stalk” her online to find out what’s going on with her since she does not talk to me.  For once, I hit ‘pay dirt”.  I found a short blog from her about some HEART SURGERY she had 2 years ago.  I wrote the post To my Estranged Sister right around that time while she was miserable and recovering from surgery! There is something psychic or spiritual about that–I mean, thinking of her right after she had surgery!

Turns out, she has had heart disease for years!  It’s related to her brush with Cancer back in the 1980’s!  I never knew.  Her aortic valve had been closing and she needed a transplanted aortic valve from a cow!  That was major major surgery, even more than the abdominal surgery I had in 2010!  She was in ICU and they sent me to the ward after the operation!

She spent a week? in the hospital, maybe more, but when she came out started to exercise right away even though she barely could!  Her list of symptoms put me to shame!  My stomach shit gave me gas attacks and bad heartburn, etc and lower lung function, but, she had been going downhill for years!

Her last post is 2 weeks? post op and she had BURNING in her chest!  My incision after the first week or so mainly itched!  Same operation stuff, though.  Can’t sit, can’t stand, can’t lie down.  I remember those long nights listening to Dr. Laura and to Coast to Coast until I finally fell asleep sitting up against the bed board. 

I am assuming that she is recovered now but wonder how long her lifespan is with a broken heart.  I do wish she would call or write.  I’m afraid one day I’ll discover she died an early death!  She will be 50 next year which is excellent since I did not think she would even live until 21 after she had Cancer at 19!!

My eldest nephew will graduate High School next year as well.  When she called me the morning of our Father’s funeral she acted crabby and you know…I had no idea she might have been feeling bad. I always thought she came away from her Cancer in good health.  I have not set eyes on her in 12 1/2 years, but, got a pic of her (in a hospital bed!)  She looked like I did a few years ago!  We could pass as twins!  I’m fatter and have more wrinkles now, however than she did in that pic, but, I saw myself and our mother looking back at me on that page!

She looked the way I looked at 42 or so!  OK 35, ya’ll. And she was 46!  Better skin care products and probably not as much junk food.  I managed to see a sort of blurry pic of her at a picnic with her husband and one nephew.  She was wearing glasses.

I sort of feel bad about playing the “stalker” online but she is my only sister.  I have no one else.  Our parents are dead and my Aunts and Uncles are dead and I have no contact with cousins.  Please, please, please N. would you call me?







Tell us about the last time you were really, truly jealous of someone. Did you act on it? Did it hurt your relationship?

I am jealous of anyone who is not a ti. They wake up in the morning and see the sunrise and are not listening to the endless voice to skull insulting and threatening. They go to work where they are liked and respected and feel a valuable part of the workplace.   If I went to work I’d get harassed all day, only get the simplest tasks to complete (so I don’t become financially sufficient or have any self respect). They come home to their family and enjoy their evening and plan what to do on the weekend. Their plans do NOT take into account the perps and what they have to watch out for. Fun and not paranoia determines where they will go.  I would come home and watch TV and overeat and try to escape the misery of the day.  Now there is no TV but the perps make me miserable when I overeat telling me all the time God will leave me if I overeat.

No matter what they do, even if its only shopping for groceries and going to the laundromat, it is fun without perps. Going shopping for groceries or anything else is running an obstacle course of perps and skits.  Shopping is HELL.  I used to go to the laundromat.  It was the WORST.  You HAD to be there and be abused since you could not go anywhere with your clothes in:  they could steal or damage your clothes. Even something as simple as getting dressed is fun. You can dress and accessorize your clothes the way you want the colors you want to wear…nothing is determined by the fear of the perps.  I go to the bureau and the comments start right away–even down to the underwear.  They keep telling me not to wear this nor that or I will get “cursed”.   They want me to wear brown and gray only.  I push the rules a little and fear retaliation.

You hop into your car (few ti’s have cars) and go where you want. I stay out certain sections of town where the perp demonic influence seems more prevalent. I get on the bus and skits are already lined up for me to make my whole ride miserable the whole ride including even waiting at the bus stop. You go and park your car and sail into whatever building or outdoor area you choose. I get off the bus and dodge perps in my path on the sidewalk including bikes that like to come really close and then the perp on the bike utters a threat and sails off. Once I get where I’m going the perps are all set up and ready for me with more harassment and skits. If I can find a place to go off by myself or ignore the perp circus its a blessing. Otherwise, hell.

A holiday is coming up. YOU are planning on going fishing, camping or just sitting on your patio with a beer. You might have a BBQ or go to one. I am dreading the holiday knowing my perps make an extra effort to make my life miserable on any holiday. I don’t see family or do anything special.

Sometimes I believe the perps are all connected to each other in a hive network so that they know each others thoughts and the ti’s thoughts. It seems so well coordinated. They think in a group brain.”We” has replace “I. For a little fun they lose themselves to the network. It also makes each perp do what the boss says no matter what. No hiding.  They are not their own people.  Sometimes I wonder if demons have taken them over completely.  I have known people before and after they became perps:  a nice person becomes a psychopathic monster looking for anything that might hurt me.  Unless they were faking it “at first”.

Yes, I am jealous of all non ti’s.  I am not too jealous of the perps.  They have it better than me–for now but not forever.

I am also jealous of my sister.  She got all the good and I got all the bad.  Only one small consolation.  That woman NEVER HAD AN ORIGINAL IDEA IN HER LIFE.  I’ve known it since we were