Another Yom Kippur

Here it is, Fall again, and another Yom Kippur alone.

I should not be concerned about Yom Kippur since I have been or professed Christianity for 20 years.  Yet, I still felt God, or the Holy Spirit driving me to fast Yom Kippur.  If I felt assured of my Salvation I might write it off as bunk or “Judaizing” my faith.  But, I really don’t know if I’m saved since 2010 and even before that.  I had been backsliding since 2003 or so, and I thought I had made it right but this last year has been from hell and I don’t think God is with me anymore.

For four years now, I’ve also been fasting once a week thinking this would keep me in God’s good graces and keep demons and other troubles off me.  It’s a healthy physical practice but I haven’t got much from it spiritually since the fast became just a part of my weekly routine.  I keep hearing negative messages from God (or Voice to Skull?) so I stopped praying pretty much.  If I pray, I get Voice to Skull and it does not seem I get through to God.  I stopped fasting once a week 3 weeks ago but I’ll do Yom Kippur.

I doubt I’d have even considered Christianity if it hadn’t been for the rabbi that rejected me when I was a kid.  I would have stayed put as a Jew and not been abandoned by my family (even though they might have done it because I’m a ti).  I really thought Christianity was the way to go since I had guilty sins on my conscience, and Jesus Christ promised forgiveness of all sins.

About the Bat Mitzvah I never had:  to be honest, it wasn’t that I just missed out on the gifts, the party, the adoring relatives, etc….that is very well for a child and I would have loved it, but I had a deeper feeling of rejection.

I felt you just about pushed me out of Cheder and the Bar/Bat Mitzvah program because God told you to.  I felt you had a pipeline to God and He told you not to give me a Bat Mitzvah.  I didn’t measure up.  At 11 1/2 I was evil, somehow, a defective.  That feeling led to my rebellion in my teen years along with all the bullying and ostracisism.

I thought it would all be cool with God and I when I got “Saved”.  Maybe not.  I had never heard of Predestination until later.  Maybe I’m not one of the elect.  I’m probably not one of the elect.  I still coulda had a Bat Mitzvah.  Did my parents/teachers get their tips on raising me from the devil himself?

Here’s to another Yom Kippur.

False Conversion

I have been reading Charles Spurgeon’s Sermons and I have determined I had a “false conversion” way back 20 years ago.  I don’t show the evidence of Salvation nor any Fruits of Salvation.  I can’t get the Lord to listen to me and have become angry with Him.  Looking back, it seemed I had sort of a changed heart the first year of going to church but nothing remained after awhile.  I don’t have an indwelling Holy Spirit nor do I hear the Voice of God, just the Voice to Skull.  When I wanted to be Saved I only got a sample not Salvation.  Guess I was not predestined for it.  I don’t feel it deep in my soul when I try to repent.  What a waste of years.  If God was not gonna save me why did He let me make myself miserable with all the rules, etc..when at least I could have tried to have a good time?  I feel scammed, but God knows best.  “Easy Believism” by merely saying a prayer to Jesus to accept Him in your heart is not good enough.  The repentance and Godly sorrow for the past had to be there as well as feeling Jesus and the Holy Spirit coming into me, which I did not feel.  I kept “running up the rail” after services for prayer and kept saying the Sinner’s Prayer over and over to no avail.  Once, I felt something moving inside of me but then someone moved upstairs and the moment was over.

I think this “Christian” thing was an op to get me to be “controlled” in my behavior via my PARENTS who wanted me “under control” after they died and/or STOPPED TALKING TO me.  It’s all plastic shit.  I’ve never felt any Assurance…as a matter of fact I heard a voice telling me that “I will NEVER show you My Assurance” last year just before my “friend” stopped talking to me YET AGAIN.

A few weeks ago I woke up and heard in my head HOLY SPIRIT GRIEVED…just like that no proper grammar.

2 nights ago, I decided to get down on the floor and really pray for a resolution to this matter of my friend leaving me alone.  I lay down for 2 hours even though I got an angry call designed to distract me.  I lay right back down and continued and added 10 minutes.  Do you know what I heard????  A voice told me “if you fasted 40 days I would not answer you”.  That was my ANSWER.  I am not saved.  I have wasted 20 years of my life following RULES RULES RULES or feeling GUILT and being “told” dozens of times a day “I will leave you”, or, the perps saying “we will imprison you in your apt” all damn day long on top of the mind reading, skits, and other Voice to Skull.  Nothing but control, control and more control.  It was a ruse, a setup, that’s it.  Also a convenient way for my “family fake” to stop talking to me because I “became Christian”.  It was all a lie.  People who are really saved know it.


Predestination is the idea that God pre destines every soul to heaven or hell even before they are born. It is in the Bible. Some people believe it is true, others believe we have a choice to be holy or to sin our lives away. Most of the Bible appears to be people making choices for or against God and how God responds to it. If people did not make their own choices our human race would resemble a huge Chess game or multiplayer video game. Our free will and power to think would be a lie.

Predestination drives me nuts. I can never figure it out. Predestination would mean that saved people could not ever sin enough to be lost and lost people could not choose to come to God and get saved.

Perps try and create a world around ti’s that resembles Predestination by screwing people’s perceptions of reality and limiting choices.  I really hate the idea of Predestination.

I must have the choice to live or not to live….a puppet cannot choose to be good.