Stelazine Diaries

They did the liquid thing to me as well in the hospital.
They did the liquid thing to me as well in the hospital.
Here is the guilty party.
Here is the guilty party.

This is a repost of my old Diary from 1982 that I foolishly trashed with the rest of my blog in 2011. I hoped the perps would “leave me alone” a bit if I didn’t blog nor do a laundry list of other ‘don’ts”.  Of course, it never turns out that way.  Back in the 1960s, Stelazine was the “wonder drug” of the future for the “crazy set”.  I got to experience its hell first hand starting at 15 and ending at 17  due to apathetic parents and a cruel psychiatrist.

The Diary chronicles for a few months of how life was after a stay in a locked mental ward for the crime of having no friends and running away from home.  I was only 16.  It was a miracle in itself that I was not forced to go back to the ward after running off on “pass” and being gone for 3 weeks.  My parents and I were contacted by some sort of state agency (probably human services or something) and I was forced to sign a “contract” of behaviors I would/would not  do–or go back to the hospital I think.  My parents had signed over custody of me to the hospital (read: the state) when I was in the hospital and I hope, but I’m not sure they got their custody back when I remained out of the hospital.

I was always alone.  The few friends I had in elementary school dried up by middle school.  I had disappeared into a fantasy world but still wanted friends.  Psychiatry was still being touted as a “miracle” to regain one’s life.  If a shrink could cure crazy “Deborah Blau” then a shrink could surely “make me normal” and get me some friends.  It was not to be.  I had never heard of targeting, but I should have avoided the couch and the stigma and the labeling that went with it.  They and their drugs and hospitals and stigma ruined my life and any opportunity of having a career or a husband even before the targeting got bad.  The reality is my parents wanted to palm me off as crazy to not deal with me.  Must you obey and respect parents that hate you?

The downward spiral into the hospital had several facets. First of all, I had already run away at 15, came back, and was on my way to being a “loser” anyway.  Then, I got put on the antipsychotic drugs at the same time I was going to a weight loss place that put me on an 800 calorie a day diet I could not keep.  Maybe the comfort from food would have helped me survive the Stelazine.  Also, I was working after school.  It was too much.  School where everyone hated me, work that I hated, ugly train track braces, Stelazine, and then the DIET, which my parents paid hundreds of dollars to this weight loss place so they could essentially starve me. I think I got off 8 pounds before I gave up.  I was 16 and weighed 149 pounds at the time.  That was huge back in the early 1980s.  People forget how small people were back then.  Now, a kid that size would not even be considered overweight.

This Diary is a work in progress so be patient.

I.  Preface???

2/20/13

I found the Diary again.  I should repost it to the new blog.  Some pages have faded almost completely away.

I was so SINCERE then.  I really wanted to be right with God and other people.  No one else cared what I did, it seems.  I was getting the royal screw job and did not know it.  I really wanted a relationship with GOD!  I looked up to Him and wanted Him to be proud of me.  I wanted to give up my fantasy life and keep a job.  I was a high school dropout.  I was desperate to please my therapist.  I loved my Aunt but was not so sure of my parents.  This diary is over 30 years old.  It’s a part of “history”.

3/1/13

I have not lived a sinless life and maybe some of my past sins caught up with me when the overt g/s began–yet I see I had signs of targetting way back to age 2, even.   This blog page needs to be backed up.  I am afraid as I approach 50 the evil ones will try and off me.  I was obviously part of some “program” to be targetted so young.  Many targets lose their lives around 30 some die around 50 or so and the really strong ones last longer.  I call targets over 60 super-targets for their perseverance.

I still remember the pointless death of Chuck Schlund.  He was the one who said “no” to the perps after they offered him the moon and stars to become a perp/handler way back in the 1970s.  He says there were papers that document this.  He lived on, as a target, until his untimely death at 62 of “fast acting perp cancer”.  He sued the government over and over for becoming a target.  All his lawsuits failed, but his courage lives on.  Unlike many targets, he was allowed to work and had a wife.  He did not believe in God.  I can only hope he had a last minute conversion.

July 4, 1982

Dear God,

I thought it would be nice to write a diary of sorts in order to record my feelings and have something to refer back to later on.  I thought also it would be nice to write to you since you have helped me so much.  I will try much harder to do my “sacrifices” (I guess I meant following the contract, etc).  I left the Milquetoast albums at home.  It will be my home eventually.  Well, today was July 4th, interesting, isn’t it?  I am free and it’s July 4th!  I was supposed to meet Jim (?) by now, but I must sacrifice certain things in the pursuit of freedom, right?  P.S., would you reveal Yourself to me?

July 5, 1982

Dear God,

I am sort of facing up to my problems.  I had a problem with some guys walking up to Titelbaum’s (some names will be changed to protect the guilty and the innocent), and I came to a resolution, but you know how things continue to bother me and I get low feelings never the less.  I can’t get the resolution clear in my head and the feelings come back.  Sometimes it seems fantasizing (that dissociation) is the only way out, but I’ll try to control that.  I think I’ll call Harry now.  I’m gonna tighten my belt and deal with my low feelings.

July 6, 1982

Dear God,

I want to compose a prayer from me to you in which I will ask what I REALLY want out of life right now. (Gawd-Damm that man I saw earlier was a fuckin’ shitty heartbreaker.) 2013, you may need to watch for um, language.  Whew’ well I got that out my system!  Hold it, I gotta go to the bathroom–this prayer is important!  Here it is!  I pray not for great beauty, many friends, or fame.  I pray only to be reasonably mentally healthy enough to function in this world, and to also not be riddled by fears of sickness and heartache;  and to also keep the good side of my personality (humor, etc…).  This is all I ask.  I will keep up on my sacrifices.  Bye

July 7, 1982

Dear God,

The devil makes me do it!  He get my emotions in a bind, and I do crazy things like going out and spending $10 and fantasizing, listening to the radio, buying a Milquetoast album, then CHANTING the lyrics.  Well not exactly chanting but reading them.  When will this stop?  I need to do my sacrifices.  Well writing is one of them.  Changing the subject here (not that this isn’t an important subject) I don’t think Recovery will fit into my life for many reasons, one reason is YOU.  do you capitalize?  Well I dunno.  Another reason is I can apply the same common sense without all those silly sayings.

July 8, 1982

Dear God,

The newish Milquetoast album was pretty good!  But I put it away even before I had listened to all the tracks–you said I could jam out to it, but I’m glad it’s up in the closet.  It’s nice being home for a night but I’m so scared–it’s like I’m on pass, and I’m still going back to “that dreaded place”.  Oh please in my prayer that was #1 to never be watched or locked up again because of my incompetency.  I’m making it now.  Praise God.  Oh thank you for your help. (I was staying with an Aunt at the time.)

July 9, 1982

Can I slide tonight and drink a little and jam out?

Dear God,

I”m a bit upset about Mary tonight. I wasn’t so diplomatic, so, she said if you don’t like it, “fuck off”!  “We don’t give a damn, so git!”  Well I was rude anyway so it’s just learning how to quit a job gracefully and not make an enemy (well she really isn’t an ENEMY) in the process.  My mom told me not to tell her  that but I did, so all she could say in defense was,” if you don’t like us, LEAVE.”  Well, I handled it well afterwards, I called Grandma instead of hitchhiking.  Well maybe not tonight about the drinks but can I fantasize?  You tried to tell me to keep the job,  but I didn’t.  I was weak.  I don’t deserve to fantasize tonight.  G’nite

July 11, 1982

Dear God,

I really messed up and you punished me–mildly to my good fortune.  I just have to find things to occupy my time, and to not get over-emotional when somebody is not nice to me.  I must get tough since I get the wear and tear any other person gets (maybe more) I gotta go with the punches.  I “gave away” the J.D. now, ??? oh, that popular brand of whiskey. Now, I won’t be entertaining thoughts of messing up at night.  I got to keep the horror of Pretty Acres State Hospital  in mind to keep my behavior in line, but I must not be so fearful that it plays havoc with my emotions.

July 12, 1982

My sacrifices.  No fantasizing, no listening to radio or records for soley my own pleasure, helping people out, and of course this  journal.  I don’t follow all my sacrifices all of the time (to put it lightly) what am I to do.–No programs or plans, I left those with Pretty Acres.  But what must I do to “wean” myself from the Milquetoast?  I have done something I have made a couple of appointments with counselors (at cut rates) for consultations which I finally choose will have some ideas.  I hope so.  Fantasizing sometimes, I can WILLFULLY control it sometimes not.  I hope you don’t punish me for my bad behavior.

July 13, 1982

I’m too guilty to write you know why–K.

July 14, 1982

I know there was SOMETHING I had forgotten to do.  Write in my journal.  Well I’m not trying TOO hard to get a job, and my folks aren’t exactly pressuring me either.  I think they have the dim hope that I MIGHT go back to High School which is possible but probable.  Oh well, I’ll get a job.  Not just for the contract, you know.  I’d like some new clothes and I’d like my car back and oh, what else?  Oh yeah, my collection.  Maybe I’d better work harder at it, huh?  Well I will try.  That phone sales job, just wasn’t for me.  G’nite, K

July 15, 1982

Dear God,

I met Violet Johnson today.  She’s pretty cool.  She’s real mellow, and she has some good ideas.  She wants to keep me out of the hospital, wich is the most important thing.  Well I might go back to ?  I hope she can get me to give up my fantasies completely like I did 6 months ago.  6 months ago, I started going downhill, it’s that damned Recovery that did it! ‘scuse me, that’s spotting was just wearing me out and I just didn’t want to work, of course I found out what that could do!  My sacrifices as well as you work for me.

July 17, 1982

Dear God,

I guess now I know the truth, you really give me help to help myself, (although what you did when I ran away still holds me in awe) I hope you will give me the inner strength I need for the next year or so to help control my emotions and fears enough to not get myself in trouble again.  I will sacrifice not only to give up various pleasures for your help but also because I know they are good for me since I have chosen them myself (with your help).  Please give me strength to control myself O’ God.

July 18, 1982

Dear God,

I want to thank you today for giving me the strength to cope.  I will try my best with the sacrifices (what am I talking about I am doing them) And I will work even harder once I am in therapy.  I need this strength to keep me out of trouble.  So many people have tried to convince me I am sick but I must prove to myself I am strong and mentally healthy.  I am not a sick kid.  Please help me.

July 19, 1982

Dear God,

I have to talk to you, so may I use 2 pages?  I don’t think this is worthy of a sacrifice.  Well, I fell weakness coming upon me, and I’m afraid some evil  force (possibly the devil) tries to tell me “fucking up” (please excuse the French) is a way to to go.  the strength you have given me is great and I have felt it today, but I’m afraid so afraid the evil force will overcome your strength and I will run away , or do something crazy like that again, and I’ll be dragged back to spend my life in an institution.  So I want to beg something of you.  May I please ask?  Would you, Awesome Force (like the name)? PLEASE–if I do the sacrifices let me hang in there till I talk to Larry, and not do any crazy things to be dragged back again?  You see, will I am only human and I need to see if he can offer me a special program.  If he can, well maybe, maybe you won’t have to work so hard, but please O’ God, please keep me from being dragged back against my will, I deep down think freedom is the best answer even if I have to sacrifice A #1 help.  I will keep up on my sacrifices.  Bye

July 20, 1982

Dear God,

I am changing I guess.  I realize these sacrifices and stuff have just been made up by me in an effort to hold onto something that you will constantly hold me up if I give up various pleasures.  Well, I’m getting my new ideas from my Aunt, who has been helped a great deal by you, and even flourished through much pain.  She says you don’t want sacrifices, but merely our love and devotion, and most of all the belief in you as the only God.  So I’ve decided that now since I am off the run, you have sort of left me (not totally) but you don’t go around showing me your awesome deeds.  You have left me with (not probably I have faith) (scuse me) a lot of strength (which I must tap and use) to cope with my emotions so I don’t do crazy and stupid things.  But it is up to me to use it.  God helps those who help themselves.  What I will do then is keep some of my sacrifices just for my personal help and show my thanks and love to you in various ways.  There is no set program as of yet.  I thank you for one more day of freedom.

July 22, 1982

Dear God,

I talked with Larry today, and he doesn’t think I have a very good chance of getting will on the “outs” because of my lack of motivation.  But I told him I liked the outs anyhow,  so said I was making the wrong decision which might be true, but I don’t EVER want to go back and be locked up and you know that, I will give a total cure a crack.  I’m getting new hope in Recovery.  Maybe they can help me get well.  I don’t know but I’ll give Recovery a crack.

July 24, 1982

Well, another two days has passed but I’m back again.  We had a fun time at the dog race–although we lost.  I am skirting serious issues here, but its O.K., I just don’t feel like talking about them tonight.  Well tomorrow I get my strength back so I am glad for that.  Tomorrow I have no specific plans but I pray to you it will be a good HEALTHY PEACE OF MIND day.  My praise to you and goodnight.

July 25, 1982

Dear God,

I thank you for the extra strength you gave me till I get another kind of strength from Recovery tomorrow night, hope.  Recovery will help dispel the fear I have of my “illness” and give me hope for health.  We mentally ill don’t trust our impulses emotions etc…We must learn to believe in ourselves, and on top of that, not do crazy things.  Many thanks for what You’ve done. (tonight and tomorrow)

July 26, 1982

Dear God,

Recovery was a disappointment.  I didn’t get the spiritual hope I expected.  All it brought back was sickness and bad memories of sick days.  I am still sick but I believe I was sicker then.  I just didn’t really get into what Harry was saying, his advice seemed shallow not mentioning a few other things, It probably isn’t shallow, but that’s how it seemed to me.  I left the Meeting feeling old and sick and not refreshed and newly encouraged.  I think you’re trying to tell me Recovery can’t help, although I’m not sure I hope so, cause Recovery….is so much spotting and intellectualizing and the like, maybe I make it too hard on myself like Harry said but I  just don’t believe Recovery can help.  I’m a typical nervous person, but I must find my strength elsewhere in a method that is up-to-date now and with it.  My love for you is old-fashioned–more or less my FEAR of you.  G’nite

July 28, 1982

Dear God,

I am going to devote this entry to talking about my work which I have avoided the past two nights.  I will stay at my Aunt’s until Friday and on Friday night I go home for the weekend, or for a while.  The while being until I’m 18.  Monday I will start looking for a job around my home, and until I get another job, I’ll keep this one or until I get fired which ever comes first.  On the job, I will make calls straight through, stopping only to go to the bathroom.  The only exception is at 6:00 when I will take a break with coffee and cigarettes.  Then I will make all my callbacks till 7:30.  The reason (one of the reasons) I will quit this job is no appointments!  Also, some other rules, no complaining to boss, (Why? there MUST be reasons one of them being poor Caldwell can only take so much.)  Memorizing the spiel as H.C. wrote it and ad-libbing a little, and talking SLOWLY and with pauses for a feed affect (effect)?  Also, not as a rule, but humor helps.

July 29, 1982

Dear God,

I’m messing up!  My emotions aren’t being checked and I’m acting on silly impulses and even processing my thoughts to the point where I must cry!  I will need extra, extra strength to get through this.  Well I’ll save my asking for when I pray.  I had a bad day.  It was just a bad day, whatever it was today sucked!  (excuse my language)  I’m picking it up from someone at Exchange!

July 31, 1982

Dear God,

Well, I think I’m doing better, so let it stay that way!  I thank you for the strength you gave me tonight.  I don’t think it was such a good idea talking about my running (God forbid) to Mother.  It is a curse I say!  I will break that curse!  Nor more talking about this!  I got a nice dress (skirt and blouse) and a cute bathing suit.  Tomorrow I go see Grandma to go swimming.  G’nite–may the angels rejoice of you in the heavens.

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