Stelazine Diaries 4

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October 1, 1982

Dear God,

Not Another Y-A-W-N,

Well I can’t think of anything to say except I don’t Wanna GO to work tomorrow.  I hate work and I can’t get along because of my problems and I can never keep a job.  Why should I like work:  It’s tiring and terrible!!! G’nite

October 2, 1982

I’m tired!  They really work you hard over there!  It’s not that the work is so hard, it’s the long hours.  8 hours is a long time!!!  I don’t know whether I’ll look for another job or not.  I only wanted Posh Pies!  G’nite

October 4, 1982

Dear God,

Oh no, trouble on the job.  Well this time it will be different–no complaining.  I hope I can stick this job out for a while.  All my therapist says it is an experiment, I don’t have to keep this job till next summer, but it would be nice.  Well I know I’ll be put on “breads” to morrow, because I was slow tonight.  I hope it doesn’t  hurt too much, because I hate doing “breads”.  Maybe I can work my way back up to veggies if I can speed up.  I might be on breads a LONG time.  G’nite

October 5, 1982

Dear God,

Well Donna the blabbermouth wasn’t there today.  I won’t have to contend with HER till Saturday.  I only have to wonder about Kary.  Is she making fun of me or am I imagining it?  Well, until she proves to me it is fun-making, I will think the other way around.  I will keep this job until I find another one if it dosen’t become too difficult.  Which I’m sure it won’t.  Well thanks for a job, G’nite

October 7, 1982

Dear God,

I talked a great deal with my therapist to-day, and she thinks Donna had a right to be mad at me.  She also thinks the conversation I overheard was about me.  Well It might have been.  I don’t see why she would want to “kick my ass” for such a trivial event.  Oh well that’s big-shot tough guy Donna for you.  Getting back to my therapist–she wants me to give up my fantasies.  She says it’s my choice and she won’t force me, but I don’t think she’ll treat me much longer if I keep it up.  I don’t want to give it up though.  Well we’ll see about this.  G’nite

October 8, 1982

Dear God,

Thank You, G’nite

October 9, 1982

Dear God,

To-day I worked veggies and it was TUFF.  I thought I would die!  I didn’t get the floor job!  Boy am I disappointed.  I wanted it so badly I hate the line, especially breads!  They can keep them damn breads!  I just might quit if they put me on breads again!!!  Or I might not.  It depends.  G’nite

October 11, 1982

Dear God,

Sorry I’m writing in the morning, but I fucked up last night.  All I can say is I hope it never happens again.  Going to work is gonna be hard with Mr. Natali around.  Gawd, (‘scuse me) I wish he would be transferred!  The Mall is nice and far away, we never go out there, NEVER!  It looks like this job is gonna be it, on one else wants me around town, so I might as well hang on to dear life for this one, and count each day on the job a blessing from You.  Good-er-day

October 12, 1982

Dear God,

Well, the “golden age” is over!  What I mean by the “golden age” ( a really sarcastic term) Is the time when I start a new job, new situation with people the time before they start oucasting and scapegoating me.  It is the time when they start smelling my fear, my resentment, my down-in-the-pits self-confidence.  Well whatever my golden cac0on is broken (I got that from a book.)  and now starts the tuff part of, keeping my job.  I’m really depending on You, Dear God.

October 12, 1982

Dear God,

Thank You, You sure “made it up” to me!!!  Thank You. G’nite

October 13, 1982

Dear God,

Well the “golden days” have come to an end and I just didn’t want to live through the misery afterward.  I just saw being both an outcast and a scapegoat too much.  Everyone would eventually pick up on my bad vibes and hate me .  I know it!  I am really low down, no one can stand me.  Even the crap at Pretty Acres couldn’t stand me.  G’nite

October 14, 1982

Dear God,

Nothing much happened today.  I picked up my Who tickets this afternoon, and Mother will pick up the $50 tomorrow.  I had a good session with my therapist, she said I was making progress.  Well if I am making any its very little so there.  Oh, well I promise I’ll write more tomorrow night.  G’nite

October 15, 1982

Dear God,

And old problem is surfacing again.  Being laughed at in public is no laughing matter!  What is wrong?  What are they laughing at?  I have many answers but I don’t know if any of them apply or if they all apply.  You see I can’t go up and ask these kids why they are doing it!!!  I also noticed one other thing.  It’s always kids, in big groups (3 or more) never adults.  (Thank you)  I will bring this up to my therapist this has been bothering me a long time.  She probably won’t me feel better, but she’ll have the answers.  Oh well, I’ve written more than last night. G’nite

October 16, 1982

Dear God,

I got my hair dyed black today–gawd does my tooth ache, G’nite

October 17, 1982

Dear God,

I went to the Who concert today.  It was very good.  You should have seen the way Pete Townsend moved with his guitar!!!  It was fantasitc!  The versions of the various songs were excellent and the crowds reaction was wild.  I went kind of wild myself.  But while I was enjoying myself, my SISTER was miserable.  The smell of the pot made her sick, and I agreed to leave early with her since she was so bad off.  I missed some good stuff, but at least I can’t be passed as “the mean sadistic sister” who let baby sister get sick while she was having a good old time.  Oh well at least my SISTER appreciated my unselfishness, wel that’s all about the concert.  G’nite

October 18, 1982

Dear God,

I am going to use some not-too-toxic anger on my parents.  Although my therapist my disagree this what I’ll do? (unitell.)  Oh before I go on-the reason I am going to start a boycott is that my parents insist on treating me like a little girl with problems instead of the young adult I am.  I may not always act like an adult but, I think like one, and mostly my decisions are very adult.  So, I’m going to boycott them till they start treating me like an adult.  Let’s see, what will I boycott, only reasonable things since this has to be as non-toxic as possible.  I will not accept transportation from my parents, I will take the bus.  I also will not eat any of my parents’ food.  I will not let them buy anything for me exept medicine.  That’s it.  I will use my parent’s stuff but I might only wear the clothes I bought for myself.  Well, that’s it.  No more.  I hope I make an important statement with this boycott.  I hope it dosen’t  last too long before negotiations start. Oh well, that’s all Dear God.  G’nite.

October 19, 1982

Dear God,

I started my diet today, and I hope to see my first weight loss to-morrow.  My boycott is going fine. G’nite.

October 21, 1982

Dear God,

I can’t find things to write about like I used to.  Sometimes I have to sit back and think.  It should be more spontaneous.  I should always have something on the tip of my pen to write, but I don’t.  Some nights I’m just plain tired, and I want to go to bed.  Tonight is one of those nights.  It’s after midnight, and I’ve worked hard at the bingo game and I’ve got what seems like a million things to do before finally retiring.  this and stupid fantasizing is why I don’t write some nights.  Now you know why there are gaps.  Oh, well, I think I’ll “retire”. G’nite

October 23, 1982

Dear God,

I stopped my boycott.  I noticed that #1 my parents weren’t bothered in the least, and #2 that am immature for all my 17 years.  So when I grow up, they’ll treat my like a lady.  I know it.  They aren’t bad people.  So there.  I’m the one who was a compulsive runaway (which is very babyish) and I am the one who can’t hold a simple job, or make a single friend.  I am as dependent on my parents as a 10-year-old.  This isn’t a dump-on-ME session, it’s just the truth.  Once I’m an adult, I’ll get treated accordingly.

October 25, 1982

Dear God,

I don’t have anything to talk about.  Everything is too painful to talk about. Things like my therapist’s homework, and the fight between my parents is heavy stuff that I don’t want to talk about.  I’ve gotta get a job and stick to it I know that!  I’ve gotta be busier than I am now.  I’m going to the Job Service this morning.  Sorry for writing in the morning. but I was bathing last night, and you know what that does to me. (Fell asleep in the tub, OK?!) I get all sleepy and I don’t want to do anything but go to bed.  You know how it is.  Talk to You later.

October 26, 1982

Dear God,

I can’t find anything to write about tonight.  I am still dieting, but I cheat an awful lot.  Let’s see, what have I gotta do tonight.  Visualizations, headgear, praying, contacts.  Well that’s all I gotta do tonight.  Sound good?  Well it’s good therapy.  I can’t find anything else to say.  I will try Wyatt’s tomorrow.  G’nite  (Guess I gotten fired or quit and wanted my job back).

October 30, 1982

Dear God,

I haven’t written in a while, have I?  Well, would you believe this, I got ANOTHER job.  me and my jobs.   This is my 5th job in about 3 months!!  Isn’t that awful?  Gawd, I think it is.  And I might be allergic to the down in this place, I dunno.  I hope not.  That would be real bad, since I don’t wanna look for ANOTHER job.  Why do I learn the lesson when it’s too late?  I’ll never know.  Oh well, have a happy time this halloween. G’nite

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