Stelazine Diaries 2

little princess

August 1, 1982

Dear God,

I got real emotional tonight But I controlled it before I acted out.  The reason I lost it–was because Dad lost it too.  I guess, and I was trying to get a very important point across.  What I was trying to say was that I thought if I was left alone to make my own desiscions (sp 1982) into Feb.? I would have eventually turned around by myself and started making a business of my mental health.  But maybe not.  I might have gotten so bad that it wouldn’t be funny. Ha!  Who’s laughing?  But let me talk more about this tomorrow night if nothing worse happens.

August 3, 1982

This fantasizing has become a regular practice.  Please give me the strength to stop it.  When I get emotionally desperate, or very depressed, I always look for relief, some way to escape my feelings.  The Various ways of “running away” include running away itself, sleeping, fantasizing and even SUICIDE ATTEMPTS.  When I get this way I want instant gratification which is wrong because I end up doing crazy things.  I am going to have to learn to cope with my emotions better.

August 4, 1982

Is Sandy Recumbent Milquetoast?  I don’t think so!  It must be some silly sequence of coincidence!  Oh well, what I want to talk about tonite is mental medicine–namely Stelazine.   I believe Stelazine–if used regularly will be a valuable tool to aid me in getting well on the “outs”.  There are only a couple of bad things about Stelazine usage first, is “spacing out” and going into another world another is uh-er fantacizing (misspelled) If I can try to control my spacing out and fantacizing with Stelazine usage then I’ve got ALMOST a priceless aid in getting (not discounting) your strength.

August 6, 1982

Dear God,

I don’t have inner strength.  In Recovery I tricked myself into believing I did, but you see where I ended up.  Behind locked doors.  I rely totally on your (capitalization!) strength now, until I get better at least.  I will believe any good was executed through you, now me.  This way you are responsible for me.  I want to be responsible for me.  Please give me strength.

August 7, 1982

Dear God,

I have a beef (a beef with God?) but I will bring it up when I pray to you.  I will talk about the “other person” problem tonight.  When I am with one other person the conversation is fine, since he or she will give me undivided attention.  But when another person joins the group, the conversation slips away from me, and I get left out almost all of the time.  This “handicap” is one of the hardest to cope with of all my social problems.  More about this tomorrow night.  G’nite

August 8, 1982

Dear God,

I will continue writing on the “other person” problem.  One of the factors of why I get “slipped away” is because I’m so preoccupied that I can’t keep up with the conversation, also some of the people at That Dreaded Place, Pretty Acres, said my brain has slowed down from so many years of being alone–which must be bull since my NEW therapist my thinking (mental) was just fine.  The problem was just emotional.  I hope this is true.  More tomorrow nite. G’nite.

August 9, 1982

Dear God,

More about the “other person” problem.  When another person joins the conversation, the person I was talking with originally treats me differently.  He or she seems to ignore me or throw me away so it seems, like they were talking to me just because they had no one else to talk to.  I may be interpreting this, but it happens all the time without fail, this is one of my worst problems and is a major barrier in developing social relationships.  “One person at a time please.” just a quote…more—-Now I want to talk about something called free will.  I always pray to you and ask for strength to do various things for me which you know what they are are.  I ask you for the strength to do these or NOT to do these depending on what it is.  But what I am wondering is whether I have to “want” not to do these things or to do these things before your power works.  In other words, is it I that must choose?  i.e. If I CHOOSE to fantacize does that mean you are powerless to give me strength to stop?  I believe in you always. G’nite.

August 11, 1982

Dear God,

I will ow talk about another problem.  Interpreting, is it rejection or is it in my mind?  I often wonder especially in “other person” instances, if I am imagining a lot of this rejection, and by insisting that I’m being rejected, finnaly end up being so.  Sometimes I’ll say to a person you don’t really like me, do you? and, of course, they’ll say “I like you,”  But I keep insisting that they don’t like me so they end up not liking me.  What starts as imagination may end up as reality.  More tomorrow nite. G’nite

August 13, 1982

Dear God,

I skipped another night, when will I learn?  Oh well, let me see, I want to talk about the “other person” problem AGAIN.  But this will be the last night.  This is a sub-problem entitled “just us two” which I will discuss when I am alone with one other person, that person is nice often syrypy sweet nice.  He or she will listen to all my problems, make vows to friendship, and act like my best buddy–life long friend.  But when another person comes along–well that is a different story which I know all too well.

No Date

“A Vacation To remember” And I hope a good one at that.  I want to ake this vacation real fun and problem free.  I hope to just take my Stelazine and not talk about my problems or complain.  I also hope to get in no fights and have one heck of a good time!  I want this to be the fist good vacation I’ve ever had. (Some past vacations were O.K. but not GREAT)  I will bring up this journal with me for my praying and talking with (to) you does not go on vacation. G’nite

August 14, 1982

I would fist like to discuss Interpretations the day long process.  Ex. I say something to Mother and she dosen’t respond. (She didn’t hear me or probably just nodded her head, I take it as a rejection.  I do this probably because I’m so scared of rejection, and I expect it, I look for trouble.  This is what happens when I’m with a group of kids.  Even when the ‘other person” problem isn’t there I THINK it’s there.

II???

The Big Sacrifice!!  I know I’m sick but I don’t want to go back to the hospital.  To go back to the hospital would mean sub-average living conditions, STRICT rules, and KIDS!  This would be a sacrifice but staying on the outs means less therapy and a much longer time, if at all, to get well.  So there is a sacrifice on both ends.  I choose to sacrifice good therapy and and getting well quick to stay on the freedom of the outs. I know this might be the wrong decision.  But I need support in what I’ve chosen and above all, (unintelligible).

August 15, 1982

“The Final Rejection”.  Ex. A kid who was VERY friendly when I went into that Dreaded Place, Pretty Acres, finally turned against me in 10 days.  I wonder why EVERYBODY no one excepted except my family always rejects me.  Well, I have ideas, and, it might be a curse, but still mostly remains a mystery.  If everyone else rejects me, EVEN adults, my family will have to reject me finnally. OH THEY DIDThey’ll get sick of my behavior and say we tried but we just don’t want you.  I’m so scared this will happen. G’nite more tomorrow

August 17, 1982

Dear God,

“Reject before rejected”.  I commonly do this.  I will act aloof (the kids think its stuck-up) but I’m really just scared of rejection.  I will act really shy and apart because I think “why should I try and be friends?”  In the end I’ll get rejected anyway.  Which is almost always true.  It is not worth my while to make relationships that won’t last a month or week? day?  I figure this is a way of coping that I can do for a while, at least till I’m better.  I guess I’ll do this.  Although I’ll attempt adults since they don’t pick on you.

August 18, 1982

“Hardening up” at least for the time being I believe I should harden up against teasing and rejection, and not let it bother me so much.  My theory is I’ll get rejected eventually, so why not accept it and get so broken up every time someone says a bad word or two.  For my peace of mind and health, why not be less sensitive to this.  I probably can’t harden up, but the thought counts for something I guess.  Maybe something for the future. THEN THEY CALL YOU A BITCHThis may help confidence. G’nite

August 19, 1982

“Uh-oh” I got a new fear, fear of going out because I might get teased by some passerby.  Especially big groups of kids.  Am I that ugly that weird, that people find me a great dumping target DID I USE THE WORD TARGET?even though they don’t know me?  This fear is very scary, and it remins me of the fear of going into grocery stores.  I’m scared of this one.  Everyone (groups of kids) can’t pick at me all the time.  I will just have to improve my appearance so they have nothing to pick at on the (unintelligible).

sobbing crying on a walk

August 20, 1982

Dear God,

Tonight is a night of peace.  I have no topic offhand I want to write about.  Well, I’ll write about SOMETHING.  My visit to Rabbi G. didn’t make a lasting impression on me, (this is a different Rabbi)or give me any great hope tend to push the meeting to the back of my mind.  The only thing it did accomplish was to give me a little motivation to go back to D. (new therapist).  I guess I just didn’t really like Rabbi G.  G’nite

August 21, 1982

“Hardening up” II

When I said accepting teasing I meant accepting its existence, not that I should accept what has been said, if I do that, my self-confidence plumments.  Just think of how it feels to actually BELIEVE you are a pig and FEEL like one even though you aren’t.  This is like living in hell.  You think so little of yourself that suicide seems the only answer.  One must realize its not the CONTENT of teasing but what caused the person to tease you in the first place!  That is good food for thought.  G’nite

August 23, 1982

Dear God, tomorrow I start my job and I’m SCARED.  I don’t know whether I should definateley reject them first or what.  I know the rejection will come, people will “find out about me” soon enough.  Why don’t I just reject them first?  I won’t act like a TOTAL creep, I just won’t be buddy-buddy (that’s an old term).  Gosh, I am frightened, do you know how much dread goes into this job. (It’s better than That Dreaded Place, since I don’t HAVE to relate).  I”d almost rather be unemployed. ALMOST NOT QUITE.  G’nite

August 24, 1982

Dear God,

I guess I’ll talk about my job.  Well I see where my trouble lies already.  The noisy boys in the back who make cracks every time I go by, and real snotty girl which I don’t know her name.  She was dumping on me because the manager had dumped on her and I didn’t like that.  (She must have figured I was easy bait if you know what I mean).  Well, whatever, later on I acted sassy to her and BOY am I scared of what she’s gonna do!!!  G’nite

August 25, 1982

Dear God,

Here is my definition of scapegoat.  One who lets other people take out their frustrations on him and gets hurt by them.  And also lets the taunts of others rule his life.  A scapegoat is very nice accepting al these taunts to merely make a person happy–he is also nice by not giving up his role as scapegoat, and even labeling himself as one.  All and all the scapegoat is a very sweet sensitive person given a bad (unintelligible).

August 26, 1982

Well, Dear God,

My job life is boring but tolerable.  It’s too bad I can’t become friends with some of the people on the job, but I know it would fail.  It’s too bad because those are the kind of people i’d like to “hang out’ with.  Too bad.  Well Nuff said on that.  Tomorrow I work again, and if that mean girl shows up again I will be icky-sweet to her just like the goat says.  I must trust in D. G’nite  What I fail to mention here is that the girls I worked with were former classmates of mine at HS, some of them “popular”, and there was no way in Hell they would ever ever accept me.  I guess I was merely comparing them to the kind of people I had to put up with in the hospital.

August 27, 1982

Dear God,

The rejection has begun.  I made it come early, and I am almost sorry for it, but the rejection would have come eventually, wouldn’t  it have?  Oh well I know the cycle.  The rejection will hit a painful climax, then it will level off, and I will become the known scapegoat.  I will follow my goat’s advice and be icky sweet (the goat is the scapegoat or accepting the role as a scapegoat).to the mean ones,  just to do my homework. (Maybe this was some “homework” my therapist gave me.)  I don’t know how I’m going to hold up on the job now that the rejection as begun. G’nite

August 29, 1982

Dear God,

Tomorrow is work and I am scared, scared of being picked on, ignored whispered about or rejected.  Well, I rejected them, they have every right to reject me!  I was cold, and my negative vibes were very strong.  Ah how they learn so quickly!!  I am frightened out of my wits.  What shall I do?  They will hurt me so bad I might do something stupid!  Oh I’m so scared!  I want to keep this job bad because it represents stability, responsibility, and not having to look for another job.  Why should I fret, any other job would be just as bad.  (I wanted the waspish respectability of holding this job because my classmates worked there.  We had an awesome uniform (one of many sort of slutty waitress uniforms I wore badly.  It was an orange peasant blouse over a very long orange print skirt.  Bohemian?)

August 30, 1982

I’ve been fantasizing again, which I know is bad for me, and a detterrment to getting well but theses fantasies are different, NOW instead of Milquetoast, I dream of bettering myself and becoming popular, aggressive, thin, charming, DESIRABLE to boys and MEN.  I must doubt I’ll reach it so much that I can only dream about it.  I hope not.  Maybe this fantasizing is healthy, and may be a part of me wanting to get well (Don’t I wish!) and I may strive to attain these goals.  I think all this dreaming is a low self-image. G’nite

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