It’s all over

For years, I have noticed God was at a distance from me.  I even heard I lost my salvation in 2010!  I’m still not sure if it’s the psychopath perps who were trying to set me up to go crazy or kill myself, or really God, but my evil landlady acted like it was GREAT!  She came up to the window that night and said “gotcha” with a smirk on her ugly face.

I tried to end backsliding and come back to God.  I did Bible studies online, fasted, prayed, etc…but still felt lost.  I was cruelly treated at a “Christian” coffeehouse even having some strange (perp?) woman say “you are soooo lost” out of the blue.  The people I tried to hang out with online who were Christians all ran away after a few months.

These past two years have been the worst.  Praying to God has been like praying to the wall.  I have an increasingly psychopathic and cruel landlady, that evil neighbor, accusations against me, people acting like I don’t even have a right to be outside, etc, etc, etc,…

So I thought I would test God, try God to see if He was still there.  I asked him to get my landlady away from me or to move out, get that horrible neighbor out of here, and also to save me or restore me, whatever the case.  I would plead every morning to be saved and to “not go to bed lost”.  I would go to bed lost.  Most importantly to me, I prayed from day one, that the person who caused the fire be found and arrested.  No dice.  I have lived for over a year in terror wondering every time I see a siren or see a cop since my twisted landlady started going around the neighbors and her friends accusing ME then telling them..”but I don’t call the cops”.  All the perp sheeple she told could have but didn’t.  They knew she was lying.

Now there has been another fire.  On my block.  There’s lots of fires around here.  The Dumpster closest to my apartment caught on fire a few years ago, a house two blocks away burned to the ground about 3 years ago, then the homeless shelter burned.  Now, an abandoned house at the end of MY block has burned.  There are lots of other fires that have burned in the area,  if you have an empty house around, it’s almost guaranteed to burn. The authorities should be looking for a serial arsonist but the cops seem to only be there to serve and protect their perp buddies.

God is absent.  I have been living lost so long I forgot what it was like to be saved.  I’m a “lifer” ti with no future.  I can’t even go places by myself for fear of getting assaulted.  I even won’t walk to the store 1/2 mile away!  My future will be even worse.  There is now a cell microwave tower outside my front door.  I felt overheated last night despite it being a cool night and the heat not being on.

Nothing works:  praying, fasting, singing, Bible study, etc…..I gave up following my band 6 1/2 years ago.  I gave up rock music. I am tired to death of Christian music.  Nothing is good enough.  No one will help me to move out of here.  I heard another “neighbor” doing directed conversation on the phone saying something was “going to happen”.  I was listening to his conversation about me and saw 2 cops ON HORSES outside and it looked as if I was spying.  One of the cops did the perp nose salute and made some comments like “it’s too bad, it’s a pity, etc…as they rode by.

I have nothing to look forward to.  Why should I just sit and rot and grow to be an old ti?  What a waste!  Should I let my tormentors continue to feed and house me for the next 20 or 30 years while I sit on my ass and do nothing but be miserable?  I’m sick of seeing my old ugly face in the mirror.

Don’t ever get God so mad He does not come back.

Orange is the new Black

I just got done reading Orange is the New Black.  If you don’t know, it’s about a woman who is prosecuted on a minor drug charge and given a small sentence in a minimum security prison in Conneticut.  Piper Herman, the woman who wrote the book and did the time, had money so she was able to get a good lawyer and get a good deal from the government.  She was out in 13 months.

One thing I noticed though, was, even incarcerated, Piper had a better life than I did, and, when she went home (after the halfway house) she was totally free. to live her life perp free and to have friends, relatives and her husband and her own business.

But I want to talk about how her life was even better incarcerated.  Prison, even minimum security, must be miserable, but even an inmate has more rights than some ti’s.  Some of us “carry our prison” on our backs.

First, the things she was deprived of:

  1. Clothes.  She had to wear khaki pants and shirts at all times.  No dressing up.  The only alterations were grey sweats, white long underwear and an ugly brown winter jacket.  She did get to wear makeup, however when she had the funds to get it at the commissary.  They had just forbidden the sale of nail polish then but some inmates found a way to get it.
  2. Living Space.  She had to share a tiny cubicle with another inmate in a room full of other cubicles and inmates.  There was no privacy.
  3. Freedom.  She did not leave the compound until she became the government’s witness against someone else right before her release.
  4. Respect.  The CO’s, or guards, disrespected inmates and they had to take it or they would be punished or put into solitary.
  5. Privacy.  The showers were communal.  Also, she was strip searched after every visit.
  6. Food.  She describes the food as sort of crappy and sparse, but inmates learned to cook things from the commissary in the microwave and create delicacies that were off the official menu.  She says she lost weight there.  She looks a little overweight now.

Here are the things Piper had in the slammer that I, as a ti, don’t.

  1. Friends.  She had lots of friends on the inside.  She only got harassed once during her stay there.  She always had someone to talk to and made close friends.  No one denigrated her for her race.  No one threatened to fight her.
  2. Visitors.  She had tons of visitors from the outside including her fiance.  They came whenever they could and also mailed her tons of books and gave her money.
  3. Some freedom.  She was allowed to be outside without supervision.  She went on walks on the track and spent work breaks outside without supervision or harassment.  There was wildlife there in the country setting.
  4. Work.  She had a a skilled job inside the compound even though it paid an abysmal 1 dollar an hour.  The minimum wage “inside” was only 14 CENTS an hour at the time.  In essence, days were shorter spent working, but it was slave labor.
  5. Books.  She read as much as she wanted in the slammer with her friends and family mailing her long letters and tons of books.  No perp threatened her if she read books or wrote letters or a journal.
  6. Peace of mind.  She did not get Voice to Skull destroying her every day with threats, insults, insinuations, etc…  She could live inside her head without a cruel “monitor” there.
  7. Exercise.  She walked the track 4 miles a day to avoid gaining weight on the starchy prison fare.  She was also part of a Yoga group.  Prisons also provide weights and basketball hoops, etc…for male inmates.
  8. Recreation.  Prisoners at her compound did a lot of needlework like crocheting and knitting.

Now let’s compare my life.  My life is not the same as all other ti’s.  Some ti’s get incessant physical torture so “beatings” are added to some ti’s lives as well.  Piper did not get beat by the CO’s when she was in there.  Here is my life in comparison:

  1. Clothes.  I don’t have to wear a uniform but the perps don’t let me wear certain colors and if I do wear them I get “punished” with extra harassment or even worse things.  I also get threatened for the color nail polish I wear.  I’m also not “allowed” to wear my hair in a ponytail, up, or even put back by a headband.  I have to wear it down everyday.  I think people in the prison were allowed to put their hair up.
  2. Living Space. I have an apartment, which used to be nicer until the Nightmares and the Mice.  I used to have my bed in the small bedroom until I started getting evil nightmares and started to sleep in the living room.  I used to have a loveseat to sit on which faced my now absent TV but when I got infested with Mice I got rid of it and don’t want any upholstered furniture now.  I have space in this apt but am lonely and have very poor furniture.  I sleep on an airbed since my landlady used to deal with people who had bedbugs and I was afraid.  Also, I expected to move anytime and did not want to schlep a mattress.  The perps discourage me from housekeeping and even threaten me.  I feel this is only a place to stay, not a home, so I don’t decorate it.  Plus I can get “punished” for what kind of decorations I put up.  The inmates decorated their cells and were required to keep them clean with very little cleaning supplies.
  3. Freedom.  I can leave my apt. but seldom do.  Usually, I need someone to drive me around since I am afraid of being jumped or having cops called on me for anything if I’m out alone.  I get harassed by my “neighbor” if I sit on the porch and get harassed if I sit out at night in summer in back.  The other neighbors will come out and start laughing at me, the neighbor behind me has spotlights trained on my door and the new neighbors across the alley have a motion detector light that goes on for anything and turns night into day.  The construction workers hoot and laugh or scream “Hey!!!” during work hours even if I just go to the window.  They are working a block away but still must harass me.  If I want any privacy outside, I’d have to go out very late and hope the neighbors are asleep and that there is no human wildlife in the alley to harass me.  My neighbor put a chink in his fence so the light shines on me even if I sit down, so I have to sit really low down or even lie down to avoid the light.
  4. Respect.  I, also, have to “take it” or be in trouble.  If I react, the perps either get great pleasure out of it or call the cops or go and snitch on me to someone who can hurt me.  I either get pity because I’m “mentally ill” which is sickening, or, get treated with hostility or mockery.
  5. Privacy.  I can take a shower by myself but am mocked and told what to do in the shower with V2k and my spying landlady.  I am never not watched and mindread even in remote areas.  I even hear the little shits when I’m on the toilet.  My landlady also runs overhead to see what underwear I have on.
  6. Food.  I don’t have to eat prison food, but, am judged for my weight and get V2k in stores threatening me not to buy things.  I find things missing or changed when I get “home”.  I overeat to try and comfort myself but end up feeling bloated and horrible.

Here are the other things that Piper had and I don’t.

  1. Friends.  None.  I have two people who talk to me but aren’t really friends because they don’t believe I’m a ti.  One of them is on again off again with me and the other has just fallen out with me and wants nothing to do with me.  My landlady pretended to be my “friend” for years to gain info on me to get me better.  My cat is sort of a friend when she’s awake.  At least she does not insult me or tell me I’m mentally ill.  When I was “inside” at the mental hospital, only about two patients talked to me.  The others harassed me so bad along with the head of the ward I ran off.
  2. Visitors.  Only the two above.  Only one of them spends any time here.  I feel no need to decorate.  I used to have Board Meetings for our apartments here and would clean for that, but that was it.  My sister came here ONCE to see me.
  3. Freedom outdoors.  Very little.  I used to take daily walks despite all the perping and skits but when the police started to harass me and I saw dead animals, I pretty much stopped.  When I saw my OLD LANDLORD at the park looking it over as if he owned it, that was the last time I walked there.  By that time, they had rigged the park for intensive V2k so the park was no longer a getaway to read, write, or relax.  I get watched/harassed by neighbors and passers by when I sit outside unless its very late and even then…
  4. I do no meaningful work.  I even had to leave a 2 hour a WEEK job due to increased harassment. I used to do the 2 hours there and volunteer there and take classes there as well.  I also volunteered once a week to cook dinner at the shelter where I stayed when I was homeless.  I lost that as well due to increased harassment and the cold attitude of my “boss” who would not stand up for me against them.
  5. Books.  I take a risk reading after having had a V2k threat about reading and how if I read library books I would be tossed outside in the snow and no one would care and I would die a slow death.  I hope V2k’ers get their just desserts.  I also made a stupid vow to only read Christian novels so that limits my reading the books I really want to read.  The perps first limited me to 50 pages a day, then tried to lower that, then the threat. My books would always become way overdue because of the threats and limits to reading.  If I do read, I take a risk.
  6. Peace of Mind.  Most days are spent in the throes of depression and anxiety and PTSD due to the constant gangstalking and V2k.  I am frequently suicidal but never try it since the perps really want me to do it to go to Hell.  Little things to get my mind off of it are merely time-passers, usually videos.  I have even been “forbidden” to listen to my favorite pastor.  I’ve also been forbidden to listen to Zeph Daniel, who is really the only Christian ti I trust.  I think Simon has taken all his videos down now.  My prayers are desecrated and God seems absent.  I wish I could go on painkillers for artificial peace of mind.
  7. Exercise.  None.  I don’t go on walks alone, don’t walk with others anymore and got “punished” for trying Yoga.  Since I have been driven around, I don’t even walk to the bus stop and back.  Occasionally I take public (perpic) transportation and do some walking but it’s rare.
  8. Recreation.  I used to crochet and cross stitch.  I also took classes in Ceramics and Flower Arranging.  I tried to pick up Crochet again but the perps limited my color choices and I brought home black yarn.  Then, I tried to crochet and got V2k and a verrrry interested cat.  I have not been to the amusement park or movie theater for years.  Before the perps clamped down I was making a very fancy painted gourd and was interested in making soap and candles.

As you can see, my life as a ti is much like the life of a prisoner.  I have some things Piper did not but lack more things she had, even in prison.  I hear that prison is getting tougher and tougher and that creature comforts are kept to a minimum and even basics must be bought.  Increasingly, prisoners are in Solitary, sometimes for their whole sentence.  They go crazy most of the time.

Piper Kerman’s life in prison was unpleasant but enriching in a way my life could never be, and, when she got out she was FREE and not in the prison without bars called gangstalking.  She is an advocate for prison reform now as well as her job.

Landlady acts like she owns me

I do not know if I mentioned that my “landlady” (read perp) constantly threatens and bullies me via V2k and she and her friend mock me all the time.  Just this morning, she tried to tell me what to put into my coffee, what to wear, what to listen to…all attached to the threat that I will be imprisoned at home without a chance to leave.  When she goes outside she smirks with all her might.  She never leaves the apartment complex except about 5 hours a week because she wants to mindread me all the time and order me around. She used to go places all the time.

Even on YouTube she tells me what I can watch.  She acts like she owns me and I’m just a big doll she can push around.  This apartment is hell.  She acts like I will be forced to live here the rest of my life.  I’d rather die.

The mindreading begins even before I get out of bed.  I think a thought and she starts stomping overhead.  Every time I think a thought she does not like, she bangs the wall or the floor.  On top of her blaming me for the fire, she tried to convince me via mind control I was abusing my cat.  I almost had a nervous breakdown.  Then, she leaves on that “vacation” and the fire happens….well, it was sure nice not having her around when she was on vacation.

This morning she terrorizing me whether I could have chocolate or regular milk in my coffee.  The other perps are now perping me with the color blue.  Blue clothes, blue stuff all over the ground, etc…My landlady only wears blue.  I think she was behind this forbidding to wear certain color stuff back in 2005.  That was 12 years ago and they are still doing it even though “they” promised they’d stop it in 2009.

She told me I could not drink coffee or tea while doing Bible study, and that I could not use praise and worship songs to sing to.  All with THE THREAT.

Ms. Landlady sure acts like a lion around me. She is totally OWNED by the hag 2 doors down. Landlady monster drew me in with fake friendliness to collect info on me for years.  I want to expose her name   A few months ago, she whispered to me where no one could hear that she wanted to “break” me like I was a rebellious SLAVE.  I want to shame her for what she really is.

Part Two

The other part of my private hell I haven’t really posted is THE FIRE.  Last year, in January, the homeless shelter/home that is associated with these apartments burnt down.  The firemen decided it was arson.  It was set in the middle of the night, at 4am, and I had people knocking on the door at 5am.  The house was burnt beyond repair.  My landlady’s friend became a permanent resident here despite my landlady saying she would only be here for 6 months while they raised funds to get a new house to rent for a shelter.  That was 14 months ago and this woman eggs my landlady on into harassing me even more, so much, that I spend every day in the kitchen because it’s the only part of the apartment where her apartment isn’t overhead.  I hate even going to the bathroom or showering because she watches!!!  She comes out into the hall which is one wall away from the bathroom and hangs around!!!

Back to the fire.  The firemen and police never found a suspect and I didn’t think even my hellish landlady would have the gall to blame me for it.  But she did.  She sweetly lied and told me the investigation was over last April but the building still stands in all it’s crusty glory looming.  It was supposed to have been sold, torn down, and offices put there.  I even went there myself to help my landlady’s friend and others take things out of the house that were salvageable.  If I had DONE IT I don’t think I would have had the gall to go back there and go in there again and again taking stuff out of a dirty cold dangerous burnt home.  I even went in my landlady’s friend’s ROOM.  It was gutted. She was crying. I would have avoided it and the street it was on like the fucking plague if I had done it.

I didn’t know my landlady was gossiping about me until last March when I was sitting outside on a warm day and overheard my neighbor talking about the fire and hearing “J. knows SHE did it but won’t call the cops.”  I confronted my landlady who in her best actressy way, sweetly denied it and put the blame on my friend saying SHE accused me of it but that she, Ms. Landlady, thought it was ridiculous.  The gossip continued.  I heard all my neighbors talking about it.  Even their children would come up to me on bikes and scooters and say “busted!!”

The handyman that helps us with projects for a reduced rate seemed rude and cold to me last Fall when he was here.  I told my lovely landlady and she said, ” ooooh he’s just fine.” ” When he comes to work on your place after he’s done with what he’s doing he will be fine.”  He was “fine”, his old friendly self, for the few minutes he was there.  Later, as he was out there with my landlady who was paying him, they chatted.  I decided to join the chat.  He was talking about all the development in this city and mentioned his old street.  He said my old street is ON FIRE!!!  I gave him a dirty look at the word “fire” and he left in a big hurry.  THAT IS WHY HE WAS COLD TO ME.  He has always been nice, even when everyone else has treated me like crap.  God only knows who else this poison has spread to.

I have my own theories as to who started the fire.  I have no proof.  But it was strange my landlady was out of town thousands of miles away and her friend was spending the night over HERE.  Also, I read online that one of the residents saw the fire starting and tried to turn on the hose to douse it and the hose was not working.  Inside job.  Also, the fire was set near to where the kitchen stove was so whoever did it knew the place would blow if the stove got involved.  Inside job.  Whether the suspect was a disgruntled ex-resident who got kicked out, or, someone associated with me who wanted me out of here: read, my “neighbor” who never hid her objective for coming here was to get me out,  I’ll never know because the fire dept dropped the ball and called it an “accident” after all.  It would be just too convenient to have me kicked out of here, hauled off to prison to rot and to never come back and probably be homeless the rest of my life if I got out.  I’d probably have to perp for a living just to survive.

My landlady just keeps denying that she blames me and sweetly keeps telling me that it was an “accident”, like someone threw a cigarette in the back of the house and it and the whole house caught fire, but I’m not buying it.  No one but one person was hurt, but many could have died!!! I’ve prayed to God over and over to reveal and punish the arsonist but He does nothing, nothing.  My landlady is even worse now.  She never leaves home except for about 5-6 hours a week when she absolutely has to.  She takes very short trips to the laundromat or to the post office otherwise and that’s it.  She hangs around upstairs and watches me and never leaves.  When her friend, who got burnt out, is here it’s even worse.  They sit upstairs and talk about me loudly so I can hear.  You can understand my joy when she and her friend left on Saturday and I could watch a video she “forbade”.  She even “forbids” me to watch my favorite online pastor with the threat of course being in home imprisonment.

I’m now angry with God for this.  He’s had a year to get the arsonist, nine years to get me out of this apt when my landlady turned el perpo in a big way, and eight years to get the hag out of my life.  The hag sits with her two boyfriends and cushy church job and makes my life hell.  I once told her she was ruining my life and she told me in her gravelly demon voice that I did not have a life.  She was right.  I have stopped doing Bible Study because that was the last straw with God.  I have lived in an increasing hell for 30 years and now even my basic physical freedom is threatened.  My mind is read, my clothes scrutinized, my Web browsing scrutinized, EVERYTHING.  God is AWOL.  When I went into sin back in 2007-2011 this was the case:  it seemed God wasn’t there or offered me lollipops for gaping wounds.

Another perp that lives behind me has stopped working and trolls around the neighborhood gossiping about me to anyone, including construction workers, who will listen.  He has all new cars.  He struts around like he’s the prince of Wales.  He’s built high fences that jut into the alley so I can’t see down the alley if I sit outside.  He has bright spotlights and cameras out back so if I sit outside at night in summer I have to sit on the ground to avoid all the light.  My new neighbors who live in a renovated old apt home installed a back motion light that shines like the sun when a person or animal or even a leaf blows by.  I heard the boss of that project tell his workers to make the light “longer” on my side.  People come out to laugh at me no matter how late in summer especially the neighbor behind me two doors down who turns on his PURPLE LIGHT outside and goes on his back porch and mocks me.

I can’t take it anymore.  I need prayer since I can’t seem to get ahold of God myself.

Every time I hear a siren or see a cop or fireman, which seems to be very often, I get scared.  I once even saw a fireman hiking in the mountains on a trail when my friend took me on a day trip to get out of here.  I think they are doing the perp thing and psyching me out.  Why God won’t judge my lying landlady is beyond me.  It isn’t her first rodeo when it comes to deeply hurting me.  I want out of here but it’s either here or the streets. I’ve had empty promises on and off line to help me move but nothing happens.  The hag 2 doors down announced she want’s to “spend the rest of her life” here.  NO.

My lovely landlady wants to “spend the rest of her life” here, too.  Even after she retires.  Maybe I’ll tear that rag she wears on her head off so she’ll kick me out.

What my life is really like

I have been waiting a long time to post what is really happening to me.  But no one listens. Everyone is complicit.

I am a virtual prisoner in my apartment.  On Saturday I just stood outside waiting for my friend to come to bring in her laundry and to park her car because there is construction surrounding this place.  My “neighbor” started with one of her tirades about me being outside even though she wasn’t outside or even had the door open.  I had been standing with my back to her apartment silently waiting.  She has had many tirades before and even called the cops on me for a “welfare check” when I was silently sitting on the porch.  She has gotten me in trouble with my  complicit landlady (more about HER later) and virtually turned every black person in this city against me.

I said or said at “her” that I had a right to stand outside and wait and she said in her demonic gravelly voice that “you have no rights”.  She kept complaining loudly to her “boyfriend” who is young enough to be her son about me. The old hag was in BED.  It was only 7pm.  She is nearly 80 years old and has two younger “boyfriends” living with her despite the fact she WORKS AT A CHURCH.  The other one has a good job and is younger than ME and does not have to live off her like the other loser.  I have been putting up with this bitch since 2009.  My landlady will do nothing to help me but blames me or calls me crazy every time this old bitch goes on one of her tirades.

My friend showed up and I parked the car but a creepy perpish man hung around even after we got out of his way.  He said “have a nice day” and roared off after I parked the car.  Later, we decided to go to the store.  We walked back out to the parking place and another car was out there.  Full of creepy criminal looking men.  As we pulled out, one of them who had all gold teeth screamed, “I’m gonna murder you!”  Strange though, he did not follow us or shoot at us.

We went to the store and I got my usual perping with one strange perp guy saying “I looove your orange jacket” in a weird way, like, “I love your prison clothes.”  After the shopping was done I waited in her car for her to use the restroom and one of the security guards took my picture twice with his phone as I sat there.  I confronted him and got the usual perp smirkiness and a denial.

When we came back to my “apartment” (read prison cell) the car with all the punks was not there and I decided we should park somewhere else where the parking would not be so tight.  As I was getting ready to unload the car and bring her stuff in because she thought toilet paper and paper towels (big economy sizes) would be stolen, ANOTHER car, the third, pulled up, full of people, blaring rap music.  We whipped out our phones ready to call 911 and they drove off.  I thought this latest incident from my “neighbor” who is actually very friendly with the cops, was over.

The next day, I let my cat out because the construction people finally took a day off.  My cat was exploring around our CLOSED OFF street when a red car came up and nearly HIT her!!!  Then the woman wearing a crayon blue hoodie just drove up and stared at me satanically and drove off.  I could not fathom what set my “neighbor” off so much this time.

Then it came to me.  My “landlady”, a complicit satanic narcissistic perp, was gone and I had WATCHED A VIDEO of a woman putting on purple hair and makeup for a special party.  My landlady is always home and always surveilling me like a prison guard and constantly V2king me telling me what to do.  On Saturday, she finally left.  She tells me what videos to watch, what to wear, etc…the punishment always being the SAME.  I won’t be able to leave my apartment.  I have been living as a prisoner like this under her and other perp threats for years.  I used to get out every day for a walk despite the targetting until they left dead animals in my path and I almost got arrested for just taking a walk.

Now, this man has to come pick me up to even to an appointment two miles away because I have been threatened on the bus.  These people threatened and mocked me across town on the way to Sam’s Club and said that “harassment wasn’t enough and that it was time to get physical” along with other taunts and accusations that I was racist.  I suddenly became “racist” after Obama took power.

Back to my “neighbor”.  I think she was torqued off because I had taken the BUS BY MYSELF on Friday to my therapist AND got groceries ALONE.  They want me to be weak and dependent.  This man lives 30 miles away (and has been followed out of here) and uses a lot of time and gas to get me to appointments and that day he refused to come since he had been out to my place twice that week already.  I had taken A FEW bus/train trips alone this past year without any perp repercussions but this time was different.  That, and watching the video with purple set the old hag off.  It seems that wearing any purple at all makes them go crazy now, like they own the color purple.  They also try to not get me to wear blue, green, yellow, any colors but orange, brown, white or gray in fact, colors prisoners wear.

They don’t let me wear purple or blue since 2005, but they would let me “get away” with wearing purple or blue nail polish but not now.  It’s gotten even worse since Trump.  I once heard the old hag in her house saying if I wore purple another neighbor would put a curse on me.  I thought God would protect me from that shit and I put on purple nail polish OUTSIDE in front of her loser boyfriend and then had the worst two days of my life.  I felt like I was losing my mind.  My control only came back to me after I took the polish off.  I bought some blue polish and wore it and people (especially blacks) walked around in blue and yellow for weeks.

I’m a prisoner here in this apartment.  Even taking out the trash is a big production, always running into several perps along the way.  Even the homeless people around here perp.  I figured they would be sympathetic since they have lost everything, but, they get paid too.  If I sit outside all the neighbors come out.  The man who comes and picks me up has had many near misses in his car since he started driving me everywhere.  Once, they almost killed him when he was on the highway out of town with his wife.  Another time he had a “near miss” when he was picking up his son to go to lunch.  He’s had countless other near misses and a minor accident that I swear was a perp warning.  The cops never came and the man was driving a 20 year old black stupid Honda and my friend had to PAY HIM to repair his stupid old car.

I can’t even sit outside.  Every day, people walk by or even sit across from my apartment in the alley or even the sidewalk for hours.  They threaten me or just sit and laugh with their friends or look in my window. I’m a prisoner.  Oh, I also took a THREE BLOCK WALK on Saturday.  Maybe that set the bitch off, too.  I took the walk to see if anyone would stop me.  I’ve had cars full of men drive up to me when I’m on foot (not very often) and tell me to “go home”.

God seems to be absent.  Being a prisoner is the last straw.  If He can’t protect me from this even, He’s not doing anything.  They could starve me in here.  Prevent me from getting medicine.  I’ve been praying lately, but for the past 1.5 years or more it’s like praying to the wall.  My perp landlady and her friend even kicked the wall above me and laughed “she’s praying to JESUS!!!”  one day.  I confronted her and asked her if there was a problem and of course she said everything was fine and implied I was crazy AGAIN.  This landlady used to act like she was my friend for years before she turned into the landlady from hell.

People used to kind of see her as my protector and didn’t mess with me too much here until she became Miss Perp.  But there’s even more…

Yet another video to watch

The latest video by pineconeutopia was great!  I know one of the contributors is a crazy Antisemite but this video is a great video for ti’s (we need a better name) and non-ti’s to watch.  The people the host Paul Marco has on his show are intelligent and articulate and not nuts by any means!  Some ti’s come across as “loser” types on videos (probably because everything is taken from us) but these three women are intelligent and funny.  One woman is an author, another worked high up at the NSA, and the other worked on CERN.  No “losers”.  The man who hates Jews had to be absent this day for some reason.  So, if you have two hours to kill, there are far worse ways to spend your time!  This video was live so there was a chat room but I missed the chat because it was on early to accommodate one of the guests who lives in Europe, Katherine Horton.  They plan on having other video chats live.


Just recently, I went on a website where former patients of a children’s hospital got together.  I lived there way back in 1974.  Back then, there was little they could do for our disease but they did the best they could to show us how to handle day to day life.  I didn’t post on the site because I only remembered maybe 4 kids from my experience and I wasn’t that popular.  My parents dragged me out of there after five months for seemingly no reason except I was gaining weight due to Prednisone, and had been spanked for something or another.

There were good memories and bad there.  We went on many activities for fun and the counselors tried to make it feel like home since it wasn’t a correctional place or a loony bin– like I got put into later.  I remember being old enough to house with older girls but wanting to stay with the little kids because the older girls seemed bitchy.  I was right on the line age wise.  I found two other girls in my unit who were also older that wanted to stay on the little kids unit.  One was nine and another ten, then she turned eleven.   I was eight, almost nine, and the older girls were up to twelve and I didn’t want to stay there.

We three girls had a room in “our” cottage together with maybe 20 other kids.  The other two girls would pick on me sometimes so I would hide up in the top of my closet to get away.  I’d also check myself into the infirmary a lot to get away.  Sometimes the two other girls would get along with me then suddenly turn.  I remember hanging out with other kids but the faces have faded away.  We’d sneak off campus and get essentially citric acid or “sour salt” at a local grocery or buy lemons and suck on them.  I guess they were cheaper than candy.

We were not allowed to see our parents for the most part.  We could only write.  A stamp was a dime.  I celebrated my ninth birthday there and do not remember a party.  One time my Aunt came from her house a few blocks away and I saw her waiting for me in the main building sitting stiffly in her green skirt with her dyed black hair in it’s French twist. Her umbrella, which she used as a cane, was in front of her.  I was happy to see her.  She was my favorite Aunt then.  I would write my parents weekly and they came to see me once. I guess it must have been my birthday or before since it was still warm and we went to my favorite restaurant at the time: A & W, which was more like a Sonic then–you drove up and your food was delivered.

On the weekends, us kids were expected to worship–somewhere.  Since I was Jewish I was sent miles away to the opposite side of town from my parents to stay with a family all weekend.  All I remember was that they had a ranch house like my family and two sons but no girls to play with.  There was synagogue on Saturday but I was expected to return to “Sunday School” on Sunday since the family was Reform.  We had our Sabbath School on Saturday at my synagogue.  This was taking up all my weekend and I did not like being at the home of a strange couple when I could at least be back at the hospital hanging with the other kids and maybe sneaking out to the store or going to the Arcade or amusement park, as an activity on Saturday.  I complained.  They then sent me to a weird little Greek Orthodox church near the hospital with a bunch of other kids where there was incense and priests in brightly colored robes and “church bread”.  I never saw the couple and the two sons again.  I thought it was weird, anyway, since I could have gone home on the weekend to attend our synagogue and Sabbath School.  Was it really home, though?  Was it just an illusion of home?

Some time before the hospital, I remember my Mother coming in my room and sitting on my bed and talking about taking me to live at the hospital.  My symptoms had been worse, and I needed a shot virtually every day when I came home from school near the end of 3rd grade.  She didn’t talk about my symptoms, though.  She talked about HERSELF.  She started saying that it was hard on HER to have me at home and that SHE needed a break.  She said my behavior made it hard for HER to stand me and that the hospital was the break SHE needed.  Shit, I was EIGHT, not eighteen.  I then felt like a burden, defective.  I was trash and needed to be thrown away.

I was there five months and Summer turned to Fall and Fall to Winter.  I had attended school at another school for a semester.  I had grown a bit and gained weight.  My stomach stuck out like I was pregnant and my face was big.  My counselors on the unit announced I was going to leave–they did not think my disease was under enough control yet but my parents wanted me out.  My hair was shaggy because my “roommate” had cut it.

The last night I was there, 3 counselors sat at my bed in the dark and said they were sorry to see me go and that they did not like I was going back to my parents.  They said my parents did a bad job and that I had “improved” emotionally at the hospital, but there was nothing they could do.  I thought that was strange.  My parents were causing me to be abnormal and to be lonely? I sobbed in dread of “home”.   I didn’t want to leave the hospital either, which came back to that couple on the other side of town…were they looking to adopt?  Were the staff at the hospital talking to Human Services to get me out of my parents’ home?  Did they feel their hands were tied since my Father was a lawyer?  Did my parents know they were looking to declare them unfit and give me away to another family?  Did they really  want me back or were they worried what “the neighbors would say”?

The years went by at home and things got so bad by puberty I had withdrawn into a fantasy world.  Soon the hospital would be a memory.  It would close when I was in jr. high and I forgot about it when I went into that locked ward.  THAT hospital I really remember.

The reason this all came up was that I saw a movie called “Custody” where a very poor Mexican woman has to fight for months to get her kids back after a nosy neighbor tells on her when she disciplines her child.  This woman worked for nearly minimum wage and was a single mother.  Her husband was in prison.  She struggled to survive but loved her kids.  Her oldest was about EIGHT.  After a long fight and missing hours of work she could not afford her kids come home in time for Christmas.

My mother was the complete opposite.  She was educated, lived on the right side of town, and did not have to work.  I had problems but my family could afford to take me to doctors.  My mother was moody and flew into rages when I was young.  She vastly preferred my sister.  She was cold, yet overstrict and overprotective.  She never said she loved me until she was dying and it was too late.

The year I was eight was weird anyway.  First, my family did not celebrate my birthday that year for some reason.  My mother was in one of her angry states and we ended up having eggs that year for dinner.  I don’t even remember a gift.  That year my parents fought a lot and I ended up meeting and staying with my Aunt for the first time.  I was dropped off there for a few nights when they were fighting and I could not stay at Grandma’s in those days due to allergies.

That spring, I stole a knick knack and got my sister to do it, too.  We were sent back to the store to return them.  I was always sick.  Something was off.

I still wonder what if???  What if I had been adopted out to a loving family that accepted me?  Would I still have become a target?  My Mother always preferred my sister over me, but, there were a few acts of pure kindness she showed me after I grew up.  It was only after my Mother died that the family started to really push me away.  She also insisted I be a bridesmaid at my sister’s wedding.  Maybe she changed and started to accept me more.  I’ll never know.  She has been gone 22 years.

My remaining “family” stopped speaking to me over a decade ago.  I bet I would still be celebrating holidays at my new home if I had gotten adopted, and I would not have been locked up in the state hospital like a dog.

In 1974, after a brief stay at another hospital for MORE tests, I was home for Christmas.

A Strange Concept

I read the strangest thing  online.  This woman, who also makes YouTube videos, has an article online where she describes the “game” evil people play to get the good out of life while we seemingly get “punished” by God by getting evil.  Some begin to question their faith or even abandon it thinking they aren’t really God’s people when it is really the enemy that steals the blessings of the good and swaps them the curses due to them.  I’ve listened to this woman’s videos and they are odd, but, this is a concept I have never heard.  She said it was old as time.  You have to read deep into the article which is controversial and anti Israel and anti black to find it.  It is only in one paragraph where she describes good people getting the “fools reward” instead of blessings that get stolen by the evil. Most of the article, except for the Scripture verses is well, conspiracy.  There are some interesting videos linked at the end.

I have also heard that the evil suck the energy out of people because they have none of their own and a target who was once kind, and compassionate and energetic becomes lazy and depressed because all the good is being milked out of them.  Also, I have heard that the evil ones create bad situations for victims to create “loosh” or negative energy, that they feed on like food to keep going.  That could partially explain all the magazines about celebrities exposing their flaws and enjoying the problems in their lives and chasing them with the perparazzi.  The articles and TV shows provide a kind of “loosh” for the soul dead populance.

The article on loosh says that 9/11 was a mass loosh harvest for the elite’s demonic overlords.  You have to click to subscription box off to easily read the article.

PS  She made her last YouTube video about a year ago.

It’s getting worse

My gangstalking has gotten worse since Trump was inaugurated.  I am seeing tons of cars with one headlight, brighting, street theatre, including one woman who walked down my street with her arm in with her sleeve dangling the sleeve as if threatening me with some kind of amputation.

I’m also getting more attempts to CONTROL me including the wearing of nail polish, wearing certain colored clothes, watching videos and even reading library books!  I broke their “control” a little 2 nights ago and watched a brief video on Tavistock and all kinds of weird things happened yesterday.   They even want to forbid me to watch movies in bed with the cat b/c I and the cat enjoy it. Even my Internet was down for awhile.

A vlogger named Chris Gristle said that he heard from a perp that when Trump got in that the gangstalking would not stop but be given to other people to run.  I thought the race baiting would stop and I could start leaving home by myself again.  I still see the race baiters.  They stand across the street or on the corner daring me to leave the house.  They hung around the house in groups right before the election daring me to go out and vote.  The whole thing was run by two WHITE WOMEN in a huge black SUV that I keep seeing.  One black woman kept gnashing her teeth at me like a mad dog then later came by and asked me why I didn’t kill myself.  She is also a master of disguise wearing different wigs and even dressing as a man one day so I could not recognize her.  My horrible “neighbor” came and paid her something out by the dumpsters when she came by later wearing a blonde wig and pushing a shopping cart.

I stil want to watch Eric Karlstrom from pineconeutopia, but he’s a rabid Antisemite and if I watch him, aren’t I silently assenting to his views?  He has this huge Antisemitic manifesto on one of his Web pages.

He has lots of shows on the Tavistock Institute, which is a bunch of psychiatrists in London who started the NWO as we see it now.  They are presented as the main player as to why life is like it is now. They are presented as the inventors of the CIA.  Essentially they psychologically control everyone and control their worldview.  Humans are psychiatrized slaves whether they see a shrink or not.

The perps REALLY do not want me to see any videos on Tavistock.  They threaten punishments galore.

WordPress or the perps are erasing my posts as I write them and no drafts are saved.  I tried to write a post a few days ago that got erased.

The criminals are also getting PHYSICAL WITH ME.  I’m getting too many “hot flashes” now and I think I’m getting microwaved.  I have also been getting scary dizzy spells.  I was in the bathroom with my laundry and I felt an invisible “hand” try to push me into the bathtub.  My shin hit the edge of the tub and I managed to get the laundry to my room, but this is scary.  I had a dizzy spell the week before and the room spun.  That has not happened to me since one New Year’s Eve when I was just 21 and drank to excess.  I don’t drink now.

I went to get Dramamine for the dizziness and all they offer now is powdered GINGER in capsules.  What is going on?  I was going to get real Dramamine just in case there was a blockage in my ears causing the dizziness.  Just powdered ginger in a capsule.

I’m aging so fast it seems daily.  I used to look young for my age.

Didn’t those ti’s who insisted people vote for Trump know no one gets to be assistant dogcatcher unless they are a NWO shill?  I had brief hope but it’s gone.

Hell on Earth

I do wonder sometimes:  as I go thru life merely existing in a punishment mode the perps created for me, and watch life go on all around me, and know I cannot participate, and realize there is no one to complain to;  I wonder if I have died, am dead, extinct, expired, etc…

Right after or right before this SHIT started I took a plane ride.  Did the plane really land?  Did it crash and I forgot I’m dead?  One of the few friends I had in this world had committed suicide when I was gone.  THIS greeted me when I got back.  I didn’t notice the surveillance/rude treatment until a few months later, but, looking back, I can see its early manifestations starting the year before–1986.  Is THIS a special punishment mode for hell-bound souls who are not “bad enough” for the fire/brimstone/demon routine?  This was years before I was “saved”.  Was I really saved?  Was my Salvation a delusion from the demons assigned to me to create a plausible “world” for me to “live” in whilst they punish my soul at leisure?

Right after it started, the few people who cared about me in this world started dying one by one leaving me no one to count on.  Did the people who *seemed* to care, really care?  Was that a delusion?  Did I die even younger, perhaps at sixteen, hitching around the country?

Slowly but surely the few places/situations where I would receive any human warmth/emotion/sympathy/empathy dwindled and died.  Everywhere, it was replaced by coldness and “perping”.  Even in church!  Jesus said that “hearts would grow cold” in Matthew 24.  It’s happening.

With the advent of cell phones, even my illusion of privacy died.  Everybody around me would whip out their cell phone if I showed up.  Soon everyone would taunt me with some phrase my perp supervisor at work directed at me–whispered of course as I went by.  It seemed the whole city had been replaced by cyborgs or demons.  It seemed as if my life was a lie, a delusion, a mere show put on for me for my everlasting punishment.  To get any peace at all, I found I had to isolate myself, further disconnecting myself from the society that seemed determined to disown me.

With the discovery that I was a ti, with all the stalking/harassment/mental death/mind control/regression/infantalization processes along with it, my whole life fell in.  After a brief interlude of hope that it was now “ending”,  I had a nervous breakdown without having a nervous breakdown.  I KNEW I could not show up at a hospital or therapist’s office (or the police!) with my story as I already knew what would happen from hard experience in other situations:  out would come the schizo pills.

So I hid my anguish the best I could, but, it came out anyway.  The last scraps of human interaction I had were destroyed.  I had the surety I needed to know that no one was to be trusted, and, when I did open up, I paid the price.  I isolated more.  I cried a lot.  I returned to my adolescent fantasy world.  I reached out to other targets on the Web to find most of them seemed to be informants for the enemy and/or unwilling to interact with me because they said their targeting “increased” when they interacted with me even online.  What, their targeting did not increase when they interacted with other targets?  Why just me?  I was at the center of a nightmare, alone.  All my online “friends” were feeding to the enemy everything I said to them in emails, messaging, and list servs.

It seems like life is a big reality show and everyone plays their “part”.  People act out “work”, “play”, “church”, “family time”, “vacations”, “birth”, “death”, “marriage”…all just a play.  It’s done by rote, without feeling.  It’s done automatically because if the parts aren’t played, and the lines not uttered, you are in “violation” and will be “punished”.  I don’t want to lend any validation to those debunkers who say ti’s have “Truman Show Syndrome” which is one of the newest “syndromes” to brush ti’s off into psychiatry where of course we can be readily and conveniently treated with the latest “no side effects”  neuroleptic brain death pills supplied by the hydra-headed Big Pharm to keep all “citizens” dumbed down to the level of controllable human pet.  This is no Truman Show.  This is reality for thousands if not millions of innocent “citizens” who suffer in silence for years and decades on end with the only outlet being these blogs, You Tube Channels, and conference calls.  The blogs and videos are seen mainly only by other targets, perps, and other apparatuses of the Modern Nightmare.

I still wonder though…how can it be real?  How can there be no comfort?  Even PRAYING is scant comfort, as my mind is read, and prayers (they say) are answered by PERPS.  The Word of God becomes void when the Word says only God knows your heart when the perps mindread 24/7/365 and even script your dreams.  God must go even deeper than what the satanic technology reads with machines in order to maintain His Sovereignty since God is not the top authority if trash like perps can see into your deepest soul.  Where is God’s comfort?  Where is my fellowship with God if satanists read my mind?  I’ve even tried to obtain a “prayer language” or “tongues” to talk to God so the perps would not know what I was talking about.

Where is the fellowship with other Christians?  The few “Christians” I’ve met since the very beginning honeymoon phase back in the 1990s are shills for the enemy using their “life story” and “faith” to draw me out and even set me up for more pain.  Is this how it’s supposed to be?  It can’t be.  Even in Paul’s depth of hardship and privations he had fellowship with God.  His Roman handlers could not read his mind.  He didn’t have armies of paid stalkers shadowing his movements and putting on skits for his misery.  Even Jesus’ suffering came to an end.  Were those hours like an eternity?

I have felt the loss of fellowship with God and the inability to REALLY pray or enjoy the Bible for YEARS.  I must be in Hell.  No one bothered to tell me.  I’m actually dead, that’s all.

I took lots of risks when young, maybe one of them didn’t work out.  Maybe the perception I was “blessed” and “protected” by God was a delusion.  Maybe I angered God when young and never even had the chance to be “saved”.  I wasn’t a very nice person, but neither was anyone else that nice to me.  Even as a child, I felt people were not acting in my best interest and my parents’ advice was poor and just designed to demoralize me.  It was no help at all.

I go out and everyone is in on it.  Cars go by with staring sneering perps.  Other perps walk by with dirty looks.  Some with insults.  Some with threats.  Sometimes under their breath but now (2017) right out loud.  Some perps have their faces twisted into satanic glee with a sort of sheen or glow on them.  Store clerks are rude. I see cops all the time.  People will go out of their way to try and engage me in “conversations” that are merely info gathering.  It’s just another way to add to the profile they have on me to attack me better.  They try to get me to relax, feel comfortable around them, and feel I’ve found a “friend”.  I have fallen for this crap too many times.  I took one of those people into my home because he was homeless years ago.  What a mistake.

How long will the charade last before I’m dropped into the fire along with my perps and all other sinners?  I feel separated from God, STILL.  The world is dead, cold and fake.  I’m smelling fraud.  I used to sit in one of the religious services I could still go to and see evil clinging to every smirking face in the room.  God would never let the world go so far into evil that it seemed a suburb of Hell, or would He?  He allowed the Holocaust, the murders of Stalin’s regime, the murders of Mao Tse Tung’s regime and others even before I was born.

Most of their victims were Atheists who did not believe in the Afterlife, but not all.  The Jews still have an unclear vision of the Afterlife and they did then, too.  Is all this bloody “history” I’ve learned fake as well?  People talk about reality shifting.  Is being a ti living in a parallel reality while others enjoy life?

Are all the historic wars, slaughters, diseases and storms all just a construct of demonic handlers?  Is there a kinder, gentler alternate reality?  Life is sure cheap in this one.  How could God choose HUMANS as His Chosen?  Are other sentinents  even worse?  Are they only the demons?  Are there really Aliens out there?

The only answer I have is the End is here, and hearts have truly gone cold.  Real human emotion is very rare and usually extinct in a ti’s everyday life.  A ti can become cold him or herself:  regressed, infantalized, dulled to evil–eventually a suicide, an early death, or a perp recruit.  Any ti who resists the dehumanizing gets punished more or taken out.  The future of a psychocivilized, infantalized, stupid race of human pets is upon us.  People will be medicated numbed and controlled from cradle to grave.  Let’s get real.  It’s happening now.

Learning and scholarship will die except if the learning has to do with even more technologies to further animalize humans and to create a tiny “master race” to control the human slaves.  School is a place of indoctrination, a place to learn to conform and to “get along”.  Learning, even at the college level, is truly minimal.  Your whole life now is controlled and planned by the handlers before you are born.

People follow fashion, music, movies, and reality TV shows for their “religion”.  Evangelical religion and any other Fundamental religion is only used as a babysitting service to control those whose lives went haywire with “substance abuse” or crime.  Those who refuse to imbibe substances or get an STD and get into the prison/12-step/ever-recovering oh I’m sooo spiriTOOL pseudo religious path will be given Eating Disorders via Voice to Skull to take up their precious time and money.  Others will spend so much time at “work” that they do not live at all.  Others spend hours online or in front of the TV, the main brainwashing tool in the controller’s arsenal.  A FEW people will be allowed to pursue what seems to be REAL careers in business or the “arts”.  Even THEY will obey and if they rebel, they will be promptly targeted.

The evangelical religions will be run by high level handlers of the controllers.  Any “convert” who thinks for themselves will be “put out” of church or ostracized so much going to church is useless.  The Pious Web toodlers who spew Scripture verses by the dozen to refute a comment and impress and silence others from commenting on religious matters will be satan’s chief ones.  As said before, the Religion of the Twelve Steps will be provided for those who resist compulsive TV watching or controlled organized religion.  Otherwise, the out of control, non-psychocivilized, non pet humans who have gone wild on “substances” or even THOUGHT are put in jails, halfway houses, mental institutions or simply targeted.

Who knows when the Earth ceased to be a place for humans to be born, grow, thrive, and develop their relationship with God?  Was it after WWII?  Was it over 200 years ago when the Illuminati merged with the Freemasons?  Was it back in ancient Egypt?

When did the SNITCH become a respectable person?  Remember when snitches were laughed off or even “got stitches”?  Secrets and lies replace human relationships.  The controllers would set their throne above God’s.  Of course they will lose…in the bye and bye.

The 21st Century has become Hell on Earth.