Don’t listen to the Devil

Summer is finally here.  Next month will be my SEVENTH anniversary of hearing I “lost my salvation”.  God has never restored or reassured me that things were OK between us again even after I gave up all my bad habits, took to Bible study, even gave up pork for awhile, fasted once a week, etc….

It all started (I mean my 7 years of Backsliding) when the Devil or a demon spoke in my head (or voice to skull) saying, “it’s been 8 years since you were saved and your live has not changed.  God is ripping you off! You are still fat (this was the one), still single, still poor, still living in filth! You even got turned down for weight loss surgery! Look at this! Do you see a change???”

This was right after a rock idol of mine died and I took it way too hard after bragging to others that even if one of my rock idols dies I won’t be sad because I have Jesus now.  It was a bolt from the blue.

That very evening after I heard of his odd tragic death (they all kind of die that way don’t they?  What about Prince, Whitney Houston, and Micheal Jackson?)  I was depressed and speechless and some voice came in my ear and said that God was “ripping me off” and sort of implying I didn’t have God at all!

I responded to that voice (not having heard of talking demons or V2k) with rebellion against God.  It started small and grew.  I tried to rein myself in about a year after the death and go back on the path but I wasn’t really as serious as I was before.  I found out a former friend died in early 2005 and fell deep into sin after that.  I also found out I was a ti for real in 2005 and felt God had indeed ripped me off.  The reasoning was that if He didn’t care I wouldn’t care.  But, even though my life sucked He did care.  He removed all His blessings on my life one by one over the next 5 years until, on July 26, 2010 I heard a loud voice that vibrated my whole body tell me that I lost my Salvation. It was early in the morning when I woke up.  At first, I thought it was V2k and got over it after a day.  Then, the attacks came.  I heard voices telling me I was no good, and that God thought I was trash, I had nightmares, depression, insomnia and things got so bad I had to go to the ER with an anxiety attack in January 2011.

I had already got myself connected with Christians online to try and work this out.  At first, they told me the “devil” was talking to me and I needed to reform my behavior and come back to God. I needed to pray, fast, read the Bible, give up rock music, fantasies, my black hair, etc….  I obeyed them but things did not get better.  I even had a telephone “deliverance” where the deliverance minister said I had been set free.  But I wasn’t.  Later, I went on a fast and had a ‘revelation” that I had unconfessed  sin in my life.  I hurried home to my internet “friend” and told her and she said, THAT’S IT, now repent after me and you will be free.  But I wasn’t.

At the ER I received my first Ativan which began a benzo addiction that continues to this day.  I went dragging back to shrinks after 3 years of being free of them and also got antidepressants and a sleeping pill.  Even all drugged up I was still a mess and crying all the time.  I spent all day listening to Christian podcasts and remote deliverance shows.  By April 2011, all those Christians I met online were GONE. I began to suspect God had told them to leave me alone.

I now believe that my loss of Salvation was permanent.  Seven years is the time Job was tormented by devils then he was set free.  My life is worse than ever.

Even though I was a ti back then and heard voices I could still wear what I wanted and had more physical freedom than now.  The hatred was not so malignant, with people acting like this was a big joke.  Now people hate me for real.  I’m in bondage. I dared to wear some NAIL POLISH the perps did not like thinking it was trivial, but I paid. Nothing is off limits.  I’m even feeling physical jolts more often.  I used to be more at peace, as well, and would laugh more frequently.  Now, if I laugh, I still feel the bitterness inside.

God might have delivered me from the perps, even if partially, if I had obeyed that night and did not “mourn” my rock star.  I was “mourning” him for years, wearing only black most of the time.

Backsliding starts small and progresses like soul cancer.  I believe I even started to backslide the year before after discovering Christian Hard Rock.  I had a journal from 1998, and even though I did not overtly sin, I was very bitter and angry.  I wasn’t even walking the walk back in ’98!  Still God put up with me back then seeing I was trying my best and not in open rebellion.

The reason why I wanted to post this is that you should never ever listen to the voice of Hell telling you that you have it ill with God.  When I first backslid, I still talked to my family, could wear what I wanted and enjoyed life to a degree.  I loved God and wanted to serve Him even though my life sucked and I had “enemies” all over it seemed.  Do not listen to the damn Devil tell you God is ripping you off.  One thing I DID have before all this was I was pretty sure I was Saved.  The Devil will lie and lie to get you to rebel and Backslide until even God gives up on you.

Later for awhile, I embraced Calvinism because I thought if I got saved back then I was still saved and if I was lost I had lost nothing.  Predestination seemed to work for me.  Now I don’t know. Hyper Calvinism is going around like the Christian Flu because it appeals to the egos of the believers that think they are the “elect”.  How does anyone know for sure?

Whatever the doctrine is, I feel a sense of loss in my life now.  I used to talk to God without fear and felt a sort of friendliness I don’t feel now.  God seems to have become deaf and blind to my plight.  For years, I have tried to “make it up” to HIm, but He is not buying.  Never listen to the Devil.

BTW the dear perps are threatening me and telling me not to post this.

False Conversion

I have been reading Charles Spurgeon’s Sermons and I have determined I had a “false conversion” way back 20 years ago.  I don’t show the evidence of Salvation nor any Fruits of Salvation.  I can’t get the Lord to listen to me and have become angry with Him.  Looking back, it seemed I had sort of a changed heart the first year of going to church but nothing remained after awhile.  I don’t have an indwelling Holy Spirit nor do I hear the Voice of God, just the Voice to Skull.  When I wanted to be Saved I only got a sample not Salvation.  Guess I was not predestined for it.  I don’t feel it deep in my soul when I try to repent.  What a waste of years.  If God was not gonna save me why did He let me make myself miserable with all the rules, etc..when at least I could have tried to have a good time?  I feel scammed, but God knows best.  “Easy Believism” by merely saying a prayer to Jesus to accept Him in your heart is not good enough.  The repentance and Godly sorrow for the past had to be there as well as feeling Jesus and the Holy Spirit coming into me, which I did not feel.  I kept “running up the rail” after services for prayer and kept saying the Sinner’s Prayer over and over to no avail.  Once, I felt something moving inside of me but then someone moved upstairs and the moment was over.

I think this “Christian” thing was an op to get me to be “controlled” in my behavior via my PARENTS who wanted me “under control” after they died and/or STOPPED TALKING TO me.  It’s all plastic shit.  I’ve never felt any Assurance…as a matter of fact I heard a voice telling me that “I will NEVER show you My Assurance” last year just before my “friend” stopped talking to me YET AGAIN.

A few weeks ago I woke up and heard in my head HOLY SPIRIT GRIEVED…just like that no proper grammar.

2 nights ago, I decided to get down on the floor and really pray for a resolution to this matter of my friend leaving me alone.  I lay down for 2 hours even though I got an angry call designed to distract me.  I lay right back down and continued and added 10 minutes.  Do you know what I heard????  A voice told me “if you fasted 40 days I would not answer you”.  That was my ANSWER.  I am not saved.  I have wasted 20 years of my life following RULES RULES RULES or feeling GUILT and being “told” dozens of times a day “I will leave you”, or, the perps saying “we will imprison you in your apt” all damn day long on top of the mind reading, skits, and other Voice to Skull.  Nothing but control, control and more control.  It was a ruse, a setup, that’s it.  Also a convenient way for my “family fake” to stop talking to me because I “became Christian”.  It was all a lie.  People who are really saved know it.