Now for the Post…oh no

It seems as if I’m ahem sorta outta psychiatry…if you do not know the back story my “friend” C who used to take me places called my very own therapist who used to pretend to be my best friend and told her God knows what about me.  2 Cop Cars showed up with lites flashing along with an appearance challenged old man with a clipboard.  C and I had had a phone argument and now my very own BFF therapist was calling COPS on me.  I had not threatened to hurt him or myself or even my “neighbor” who has moved at last, but, there they were.  I sent them away w/o letting them in, then angrily called my therapist demanding to know what went on after squeeeeezing the info outta C that he did call my therapist.  She defended herself in phone messages and then in PERSON last December saying she thought she did what was right.    She would not meet me at a middle ground no matter how many chances I gave her because she was like, my BFF therapist, right?  Naw.

So I fired her.  Then my shrink wanted to be next and transfer me back to my old office near me.  Fine.  She said she’d contact her boss and it would be done but she sounded vague like she might only do it so I made another appointment with her which I kept by the way since I was never transferred or called.  I had my second 7 minute appointment with her since being in the same room with me is not good to my well my ex-shrink.  So now for “treatment” besides the pills, I have had TWO 7 minute appointments with Dr. Bitch and my pills renewed since last December.  I saw Dr. Thang the first of the month.  Memorial Day was yesterday.  No call, nothing.  Ms. thang, the shrink, told me to NOT make another appointment with her since the transfer WOULD BE DONE this time.  I suggested that she talk to her boss in person instead of emailing him since he does not read his emails.

Later that day, after a perp filled long commute back “home” (yes I spent over 2 hours on pub transportation and walking and 7 bucks on goodies plus 5 for the bus/train for a 7 minute appointment) I called the office again and actually got a person.  This young woman checked and said that indeed Dr. Thang had EMAILED her boss again. I have no “care”, which is OK by me except I’m addicted to the pills I started taking in 2011 after the perps made my life hell with demonic attacks.

So I could drink, do pot, etc to try and taper the pills when the prescription runs out.  Free of psychiatry again.  Woo Hoo.  I thought Julie Greene was exaggerating when she spoke of her poor treatment by “mental health professionals”.  Not really.  Guess I’ve had pretty good ones up to this point…some dogs, but not as bad as what I’ve been going thru.  Also they weighted the scale since I weighed 5 pounds more there than I did at home.  I spent more time getting weighed and blood pressure than being seen by the Doktor.

V2k is threatening me not to post this.

P.S.  C. and I were “back together” for awhile after that and he blamed ME for my therapist doing that saying she probably wanted to get rid of me anyway and then proceeded to tell my other “friend” about it.  BFF therapist seemed a little cooler at the new office and sat behind a big desk and wore huge glasses and didn’t compliment me when I tried to dress up for sessions. Still, she had booked me 2 sessions in advance before C. called her.

PPS My landlady tried to call there to get me in trouble for gettin angry with a perp bum but they gave her the bum rush, telling her I was “being transferred”.  Sure.

PPPS  My BFF “therapist” who always laughed with me like I was funnier than TV has changed her number.  I never tried to call her to get back together.  A little overkill?  Maybe the reptoids are giving her a big promotion for hurting me but I kept hearing patients being given reminder calls to see her as I waited for my 7 minute appointment with the Thang, so I think she is still a rank and file therapist.

Don’t listen to the Devil

Summer is finally here.  Next month will be my SEVENTH anniversary of hearing I “lost my salvation”.  God has never restored or reassured me that things were OK between us again even after I gave up all my bad habits, took to Bible study, even gave up pork for awhile, fasted once a week, etc….

It all started (I mean my 7 years of Backsliding) when the Devil or a demon spoke in my head (or voice to skull) saying, “it’s been 8 years since you were saved and your live has not changed.  God is ripping you off! You are still fat (this was the one), still single, still poor, still living in filth! You even got turned down for weight loss surgery! Look at this! Do you see a change???”

This was right after a rock idol of mine died and I took it way too hard after bragging to others that even if one of my rock idols dies I won’t be sad because I have Jesus now.  It was a bolt from the blue.

That very evening after I heard of his odd tragic death (they all kind of die that way don’t they?  What about Prince, Whitney Houston, and Micheal Jackson?)  I was depressed and speechless and some voice came in my ear and said that God was “ripping me off” and sort of implying I didn’t have God at all!

I responded to that voice (not having heard of talking demons or V2k) with rebellion against God.  It started small and grew.  I tried to rein myself in about a year after the death and go back on the path but I wasn’t really as serious as I was before.  I found out a former friend died in early 2005 and fell deep into sin after that.  I also found out I was a ti for real in 2005 and felt God had indeed ripped me off.  The reasoning was that if He didn’t care I wouldn’t care.  But, even though my life sucked He did care.  He removed all His blessings on my life one by one over the next 5 years until, on July 26, 2010 I heard a loud voice that vibrated my whole body tell me that I lost my Salvation. It was early in the morning when I woke up.  At first, I thought it was V2k and got over it after a day.  Then, the attacks came.  I heard voices telling me I was no good, and that God thought I was trash, I had nightmares, depression, insomnia and things got so bad I had to go to the ER with an anxiety attack in January 2011.

I had already got myself connected with Christians online to try and work this out.  At first, they told me the “devil” was talking to me and I needed to reform my behavior and come back to God. I needed to pray, fast, read the Bible, give up rock music, fantasies, my black hair, etc….  I obeyed them but things did not get better.  I even had a telephone “deliverance” where the deliverance minister said I had been set free.  But I wasn’t.  Later, I went on a fast and had a ‘revelation” that I had unconfessed  sin in my life.  I hurried home to my internet “friend” and told her and she said, THAT’S IT, now repent after me and you will be free.  But I wasn’t.

At the ER I received my first Ativan which began a benzo addiction that continues to this day.  I went dragging back to shrinks after 3 years of being free of them and also got antidepressants and a sleeping pill.  Even all drugged up I was still a mess and crying all the time.  I spent all day listening to Christian podcasts and remote deliverance shows.  By April 2011, all those Christians I met online were GONE. I began to suspect God had told them to leave me alone.

I now believe that my loss of Salvation was permanent.  Seven years is the time Job was tormented by devils then he was set free.  My life is worse than ever.

Even though I was a ti back then and heard voices I could still wear what I wanted and had more physical freedom than now.  The hatred was not so malignant, with people acting like this was a big joke.  Now people hate me for real.  I’m in bondage. I dared to wear some NAIL POLISH the perps did not like thinking it was trivial, but I paid. Nothing is off limits.  I’m even feeling physical jolts more often.  I used to be more at peace, as well, and would laugh more frequently.  Now, if I laugh, I still feel the bitterness inside.

God might have delivered me from the perps, even if partially, if I had obeyed that night and did not “mourn” my rock star.  I was “mourning” him for years, wearing only black most of the time.

Backsliding starts small and progresses like soul cancer.  I believe I even started to backslide the year before after discovering Christian Hard Rock.  I had a journal from 1998, and even though I did not overtly sin, I was very bitter and angry.  I wasn’t even walking the walk back in ’98!  Still God put up with me back then seeing I was trying my best and not in open rebellion.

The reason why I wanted to post this is that you should never ever listen to the voice of Hell telling you that you have it ill with God.  When I first backslid, I still talked to my family, could wear what I wanted and enjoyed life to a degree.  I loved God and wanted to serve Him even though my life sucked and I had “enemies” all over it seemed.  Do not listen to the damn Devil tell you God is ripping you off.  One thing I DID have before all this was I was pretty sure I was Saved.  The Devil will lie and lie to get you to rebel and Backslide until even God gives up on you.

Later for awhile, I embraced Calvinism because I thought if I got saved back then I was still saved and if I was lost I had lost nothing.  Predestination seemed to work for me.  Now I don’t know. Hyper Calvinism is going around like the Christian Flu because it appeals to the egos of the believers that think they are the “elect”.  How does anyone know for sure?

Whatever the doctrine is, I feel a sense of loss in my life now.  I used to talk to God without fear and felt a sort of friendliness I don’t feel now.  God seems to have become deaf and blind to my plight.  For years, I have tried to “make it up” to HIm, but He is not buying.  Never listen to the Devil.

BTW the dear perps are threatening me and telling me not to post this.

It all was Planned

Last week, on Pineconeutopia, Karen Stewart, ex-NSA, revealed that Lockheed/Martin, the weapons contractor has human stalking services in 47 states!  I have had very few friends in my life, but, two of them had FATHERS who spent their careers at Lockheed, I know another man who worked there a little bit, and his wife spent her career at RAYTHEON!!!  Everyone I know, or have known has already been cleared by these satanic beasts.

I was also perped and called a “lifer” by a perp at a restaurant while I was trying to enjoy a quiet meal.  It was totally orchestrated, so much, that I even suspect the person who took me knew it was going off.  It was very weird.  The skit seemed planned.  Then, the man who took me to eat told me I had to “come to terms with my “mental illness” and other insults.  No doubt he is being paid to be a handler/babysitter by the perp establishment.  I dared to go shopping once without him and got hell from the neighbors for days.  You know the “retribution” they give you for doing ANYTHING THEY TELL YOU NOT TO DO.

Now, I am not even allowed to wear ANY purple.  It seems they own colors as well.  They act like they own God.  I wore 2 purple fingernails and it seemed Hell broke loose.

Interesting V2k’s these past few months:

“Don’t expose us” after I commented on another ti’s video

“You will think Obama’s administration is paradise” on Inauguration Day in January with the threat life will be Hell under Trump.  Is it sour grapes by liberal perps or real?

“You are not allowed to play your Mp3 outside with earphones”  I have just bought a new Mp3 player because the old one’s microphone was bad and the headphone jack was broken.  I wanted to sit outside and not have to listen to their crap, and that requires earphones jammed into my ears and volume turned up.

“Those are your prison clothes”  Every time I go and get something to wear.

30 years of my life lost to this.  Now I have a sadistic landlady, crime on my block, a false accusation hanging over my head, etc…All of a sudden my looks are completely gone and even look horrible with makeup.  I went out for someone’s birthday and was ashamed of how I looked.

Life in perp prison w/o possibility of parole.  No accusations, no trial, no conviction…NOTHING.  Still, no one outside of the ti community cares.

What my life is really like

I have been waiting a long time to post what is really happening to me.  But no one listens. Everyone is complicit.

I am a virtual prisoner in my apartment.  On Saturday I just stood outside waiting for my friend to come to bring in her laundry and to park her car because there is construction surrounding this place.  My “neighbor” started with one of her tirades about me being outside even though she wasn’t outside or even had the door open.  I had been standing with my back to her apartment silently waiting.  She has had many tirades before and even called the cops on me for a “welfare check” when I was silently sitting on the porch.  She has gotten me in trouble with my  complicit landlady (more about HER later) and virtually turned every black person in this city against me.

I said or said at “her” that I had a right to stand outside and wait and she said in her demonic gravelly voice that “you have no rights”.  She kept complaining loudly to her “boyfriend” who is young enough to be her son about me. The old hag was in BED.  It was only 7pm.  She is nearly 80 years old and has two younger “boyfriends” living with her despite the fact she WORKS AT A CHURCH.  The other one has a good job and is younger than ME and does not have to live off her like the other loser.  I have been putting up with this bitch since 2009.  My landlady will do nothing to help me but blames me or calls me crazy every time this old bitch goes on one of her tirades.

My friend showed up and I parked the car but a creepy perpish man hung around even after we got out of his way.  He said “have a nice day” and roared off after I parked the car.  Later, we decided to go to the store.  We walked back out to the parking place and another car was out there.  Full of creepy criminal looking men.  As we pulled out, one of them who had all gold teeth screamed, “I’m gonna murder you!”  Strange though, he did not follow us or shoot at us.

We went to the store and I got my usual perping with one strange perp guy saying “I looove your orange jacket” in a weird way, like, “I love your prison clothes.”  After the shopping was done I waited in her car for her to use the restroom and one of the security guards took my picture twice with his phone as I sat there.  I confronted him and got the usual perp smirkiness and a denial.

When we came back to my “apartment” (read prison cell) the car with all the punks was not there and I decided we should park somewhere else where the parking would not be so tight.  As I was getting ready to unload the car and bring her stuff in because she thought toilet paper and paper towels (big economy sizes) would be stolen, ANOTHER car, the third, pulled up, full of people, blaring rap music.  We whipped out our phones ready to call 911 and they drove off.  I thought this latest incident from my “neighbor” who is actually very friendly with the cops, was over.

The next day, I let my cat out because the construction people finally took a day off.  My cat was exploring around our CLOSED OFF street when a red car came up and nearly HIT her!!!  Then the woman wearing a crayon blue hoodie just drove up and stared at me satanically and drove off.  I could not fathom what set my “neighbor” off so much this time.

Then it came to me.  My “landlady”, a complicit satanic narcissistic perp, was gone and I had WATCHED A VIDEO of a woman putting on purple hair and makeup for a special party.  My landlady is always home and always surveilling me like a prison guard and constantly V2king me telling me what to do.  On Saturday, she finally left.  She tells me what videos to watch, what to wear, etc…the punishment always being the SAME.  I won’t be able to leave my apartment.  I have been living as a prisoner like this under her and other perp threats for years.  I used to get out every day for a walk despite the targetting until they left dead animals in my path and I almost got arrested for just taking a walk.

Now, this man has to come pick me up to even to an appointment two miles away because I have been threatened on the bus.  These people threatened and mocked me across town on the way to Sam’s Club and said that “harassment wasn’t enough and that it was time to get physical” along with other taunts and accusations that I was racist.  I suddenly became “racist” after Obama took power.

Back to my “neighbor”.  I think she was torqued off because I had taken the BUS BY MYSELF on Friday to my therapist AND got groceries ALONE.  They want me to be weak and dependent.  This man lives 30 miles away (and has been followed out of here) and uses a lot of time and gas to get me to appointments and that day he refused to come since he had been out to my place twice that week already.  I had taken A FEW bus/train trips alone this past year without any perp repercussions but this time was different.  That, and watching the video with purple set the old hag off.  It seems that wearing any purple at all makes them go crazy now, like they own the color purple.  They also try to not get me to wear blue, green, yellow, any colors but orange, brown, white or gray in fact, colors prisoners wear.

They don’t let me wear purple or blue since 2005, but they would let me “get away” with wearing purple or blue nail polish but not now.  It’s gotten even worse since Trump.  I once heard the old hag in her house saying if I wore purple another neighbor would put a curse on me.  I thought God would protect me from that shit and I put on purple nail polish OUTSIDE in front of her loser boyfriend and then had the worst two days of my life.  I felt like I was losing my mind.  My control only came back to me after I took the polish off.  I bought some blue polish and wore it and people (especially blacks) walked around in blue and yellow for weeks.

I’m a prisoner here in this apartment.  Even taking out the trash is a big production, always running into several perps along the way.  Even the homeless people around here perp.  I figured they would be sympathetic since they have lost everything, but, they get paid too.  If I sit outside all the neighbors come out.  The man who comes and picks me up has had many near misses in his car since he started driving me everywhere.  Once, they almost killed him when he was on the highway out of town with his wife.  Another time he had a “near miss” when he was picking up his son to go to lunch.  He’s had countless other near misses and a minor accident that I swear was a perp warning.  The cops never came and the man was driving a 20 year old black stupid Honda and my friend had to PAY HIM to repair his stupid old car.

I can’t even sit outside.  Every day, people walk by or even sit across from my apartment in the alley or even the sidewalk for hours.  They threaten me or just sit and laugh with their friends or look in my window. I’m a prisoner.  Oh, I also took a THREE BLOCK WALK on Saturday.  Maybe that set the bitch off, too.  I took the walk to see if anyone would stop me.  I’ve had cars full of men drive up to me when I’m on foot (not very often) and tell me to “go home”.

God seems to be absent.  Being a prisoner is the last straw.  If He can’t protect me from this even, He’s not doing anything.  They could starve me in here.  Prevent me from getting medicine.  I’ve been praying lately, but for the past 1.5 years or more it’s like praying to the wall.  My perp landlady and her friend even kicked the wall above me and laughed “she’s praying to JESUS!!!”  one day.  I confronted her and asked her if there was a problem and of course she said everything was fine and implied I was crazy AGAIN.  This landlady used to act like she was my friend for years before she turned into the landlady from hell.

People used to kind of see her as my protector and didn’t mess with me too much here until she became Miss Perp.  But there’s even more…

More Perp Threats

I was going to rewrite some old blogs of mine from 2009/2010 but got threatened by a perp “neighbor” that I would not be able to leave my apartment if I posted these posts.  I was going to post yet another post on what has REALLY been going on this year but got a threat from “God” probably a perp, that “he” would “leave me” if I posted it.  I got threatened that “God” would “leave me” if I read my library books, colored in the adult coloring books I had, etc…etc…etc…I’m in a box, a coffin.  The “authoritative” male voice probably isn’t God, and the neighbor probably couldn’t force me to stay in here, but, they get you with their satanic fear every time.  I feel motivated to do nothing.  God, or His perp counterpart told me if I “touched my lips” to wine to relax I would be “unsaved”.  I’m not even Saved anyway.  The Holy Spirit never came inside me.

Panic is, by the way, knowing you are fucked and that there is nothing you can do about it, that if will never end and even God does not hear you anymore.  It’s a slow creeping quiet desperation.


Death Threat

The other night I got a Voice to Skull death threat while preparing dinner that said “you are going to die on Christmas as a Christmas gift to my (supposed head perp).  I’m sure they are just screwing with me but things have been going pretty bad this fall and early winter and I’m wondering.  They are trying to control me more than ever and I’ve had a computer completely break when I was at the grocery store.  Also, this year my health seems worse.  If I make it to next year I don’t think it will be a good year for me or anyone.  I’ve been having feelings of dread lately about the state of the world, etc.  So, if this blog never gets updated again you’ll know why.

Later on, like today, they Voiced to Skulled they were just “kidding” but who knows?