False Conversion

I have been reading Charles Spurgeon’s Sermons and I have determined I had a “false conversion” way back 20 years ago.  I don’t show the evidence of Salvation nor any Fruits of Salvation.  I can’t get the Lord to listen to me and have become angry with Him.  Looking back, it seemed I had sort of a changed heart the first year of going to church but nothing remained after awhile.  I don’t have an indwelling Holy Spirit nor do I hear the Voice of God, just the Voice to Skull.  When I wanted to be Saved I only got a sample not Salvation.  Guess I was not predestined for it.  I don’t feel it deep in my soul when I try to repent.  What a waste of years.  If God was not gonna save me why did He let me make myself miserable with all the rules, etc..when at least I could have tried to have a good time?  I feel scammed, but God knows best.  “Easy Believism” by merely saying a prayer to Jesus to accept Him in your heart is not good enough.  The repentance and Godly sorrow for the past had to be there as well as feeling Jesus and the Holy Spirit coming into me, which I did not feel.  I kept “running up the rail” after services for prayer and kept saying the Sinner’s Prayer over and over to no avail.  Once, I felt something moving inside of me but then someone moved upstairs and the moment was over.

I think this “Christian” thing was an op to get me to be “controlled” in my behavior via my PARENTS who wanted me “under control” after they died and/or STOPPED TALKING TO me.  It’s all plastic shit.  I’ve never felt any Assurance…as a matter of fact I heard a voice telling me that “I will NEVER show you My Assurance” last year just before my “friend” stopped talking to me YET AGAIN.

A few weeks ago I woke up and heard in my head HOLY SPIRIT GRIEVED…just like that no proper grammar.

2 nights ago, I decided to get down on the floor and really pray for a resolution to this matter of my friend leaving me alone.  I lay down for 2 hours even though I got an angry call designed to distract me.  I lay right back down and continued and added 10 minutes.  Do you know what I heard????  A voice told me “if you fasted 40 days I would not answer you”.  That was my ANSWER.  I am not saved.  I have wasted 20 years of my life following RULES RULES RULES or feeling GUILT and being “told” dozens of times a day “I will leave you”, or, the perps saying “we will imprison you in your apt” all damn day long on top of the mind reading, skits, and other Voice to Skull.  Nothing but control, control and more control.  It was a ruse, a setup, that’s it.  Also a convenient way for my “family fake” to stop talking to me because I “became Christian”.  It was all a lie.  People who are really saved know it.