Hi, I’m a middle-schooler. I think I look pretty good. I’m sort of tall and am developing early. I read “Are You There God, it’s Me Margaret” back a year ago and I didn’t have to wait long. I seem to have gone up a few sizes lately but I’ve grown 4 inches this past year, too. I’ve gone from the “pre teen” section to the “juniors” section. I’m in a “training bra” that is too ugly for words and my feet are so big I’m already wearing ladies’ shoes. I’ll be an adult soon :).
It’s strange but my mother is lately telling me I’m fat. ” Look at those hips! You look like a trailer park mama! You have thunder thighs!” What, I’m not fat! I decide to look at myself in our big mirror at the end of the hall, really examine myself for the first time.
Wow! Mother is right! My butt is enormous, it’s so ugly! My thighs look like sausages! What are those dimples in my skin? They weren’t there before! My waist is OK, but now when I try on clothes to fit my butt, my waist gaps 3 inches! I am a freak! I’m 5’4″ and 120 pounds! I’m a monster. I’m so ugly I won’t ever get my rock star. Recently I went to the school pool and swam and I sat outside to dry off because it was a warm day and I looked down and there the thighs were…so fat!
The other girls at school are mostly much smaller than me. They have teeny tiny butts and stick thighs. I don’t think my legs were ever that small. Should I really wear shorts this summer? Ewww. They also have stick arms and tiny boobs. They are so petite, so cute, except to me when they turn into monsters. My mother says I need to lose ten pounds and I don’t know how! My new cord jeans make me feel enormous, and they are red which is not figure flattering! When I walk, they swish.
When we visit my Aunt for overnights, she says I look fine. I ask, “are you suuure?” I”m HUGE! Then I proceed to pig out since she has all the food my mother forbids in the house. Sweet pop not diet, cookies, candy, ice cream–wow!!! She says she “stocks up” before we come over. She’s so awesome!
Part II, many pounds later on a bus.
2014. “Did you see that chick? She is so fat! She looks disgusting! Does she know how she looks in those clothes? Fat chicks should not wear tank tops! Even in summer! I bet a man has never asked her out in her life! Oink Oink! What is wrong with those fat girls??? Do they just sit and eat all day–and use up all the TP in the world? I think the world would be a better place without the wasters.”
Her friend answers. “Yeah it’s a fatty. My sister is that fat and she is mean, ugly and bitter. That’s what she gets–no attention. Men hate fatties. Why don’t they just go to the gym? They they could eat more. My SISTER tries to borrow my clothes and she ruins them. Here is where we get off. Bye-bye slut! That’s all you’ll get–a lay from a pervert! Hee hee!” They exit the bus.
Me, 1981 Age 14
Well finally a diet has worked! I’m 5’7″ and 115 pounds! I wanted to go to 110, but the counselor that is helping me said she’d only see me to 115. Wonder why? I still look too large, but, I’m not feeling well lately. “Aunt Flo” has not really been visiting, the past 2 months, just a few spots. I feel dizzy all the time and depressed too. I have to quit this diet. My mother says I look good, but it’s a lie. The popular girls are still tiny and cute and I’m not. I still wear Size 9 while my neighbor 2 blocks away wears THREES AND FIVES.
My sister brought home this book called “The Best Little Girl in the World.” I’ve read it five times–oh how I wish I could be her! Oh well, I”m not “little”–I”m 5’7″ and wear size 8 shoes! And I’m not “good”, I’m bad. I won’t tell you why but just trust me on this–I will never be Kessa.