Summer is finally here. Next month will be my SEVENTH anniversary of hearing I “lost my salvation”. God has never restored or reassured me that things were OK between us again even after I gave up all my bad habits, took to Bible study, even gave up pork for awhile, fasted once a week, etc….
It all started (I mean my 7 years of Backsliding) when the Devil or a demon spoke in my head (or voice to skull) saying, “it’s been 8 years since you were saved and your live has not changed. God is ripping you off! You are still fat (this was the one), still single, still poor, still living in filth! You even got turned down for weight loss surgery! Look at this! Do you see a change???”
This was right after a rock idol of mine died and I took it way too hard after bragging to others that even if one of my rock idols dies I won’t be sad because I have Jesus now. It was a bolt from the blue.
That very evening after I heard of his odd tragic death (they all kind of die that way don’t they? What about Prince, Whitney Houston, and Micheal Jackson?) I was depressed and speechless and some voice came in my ear and said that God was “ripping me off” and sort of implying I didn’t have God at all!
I responded to that voice (not having heard of talking demons or V2k) with rebellion against God. It started small and grew. I tried to rein myself in about a year after the death and go back on the path but I wasn’t really as serious as I was before. I found out a former friend died in early 2005 and fell deep into sin after that. I also found out I was a ti for real in 2005 and felt God had indeed ripped me off. The reasoning was that if He didn’t care I wouldn’t care. But, even though my life sucked He did care. He removed all His blessings on my life one by one over the next 5 years until, on July 26, 2010 I heard a loud voice that vibrated my whole body tell me that I lost my Salvation. It was early in the morning when I woke up. At first, I thought it was V2k and got over it after a day. Then, the attacks came. I heard voices telling me I was no good, and that God thought I was trash, I had nightmares, depression, insomnia and things got so bad I had to go to the ER with an anxiety attack in January 2011.
I had already got myself connected with Christians online to try and work this out. At first, they told me the “devil” was talking to me and I needed to reform my behavior and come back to God. I needed to pray, fast, read the Bible, give up rock music, fantasies, my black hair, etc…. I obeyed them but things did not get better. I even had a telephone “deliverance” where the deliverance minister said I had been set free. But I wasn’t. Later, I went on a fast and had a ‘revelation” that I had unconfessed sin in my life. I hurried home to my internet “friend” and told her and she said, THAT’S IT, now repent after me and you will be free. But I wasn’t.
At the ER I received my first Ativan which began a benzo addiction that continues to this day. I went dragging back to shrinks after 3 years of being free of them and also got antidepressants and a sleeping pill. Even all drugged up I was still a mess and crying all the time. I spent all day listening to Christian podcasts and remote deliverance shows. By April 2011, all those Christians I met online were GONE. I began to suspect God had told them to leave me alone.
I now believe that my loss of Salvation was permanent. Seven years is the time Job was tormented by devils then he was set free. My life is worse than ever.
Even though I was a ti back then and heard voices I could still wear what I wanted and had more physical freedom than now. The hatred was not so malignant, with people acting like this was a big joke. Now people hate me for real. I’m in bondage. I dared to wear some NAIL POLISH the perps did not like thinking it was trivial, but I paid. Nothing is off limits. I’m even feeling physical jolts more often. I used to be more at peace, as well, and would laugh more frequently. Now, if I laugh, I still feel the bitterness inside.
God might have delivered me from the perps, even if partially, if I had obeyed that night and did not “mourn” my rock star. I was “mourning” him for years, wearing only black most of the time.
Backsliding starts small and progresses like soul cancer. I believe I even started to backslide the year before after discovering Christian Hard Rock. I had a journal from 1998, and even though I did not overtly sin, I was very bitter and angry. I wasn’t even walking the walk back in ’98! Still God put up with me back then seeing I was trying my best and not in open rebellion.
The reason why I wanted to post this is that you should never ever listen to the voice of Hell telling you that you have it ill with God. When I first backslid, I still talked to my family, could wear what I wanted and enjoyed life to a degree. I loved God and wanted to serve Him even though my life sucked and I had “enemies” all over it seemed. Do not listen to the damn Devil tell you God is ripping you off. One thing I DID have before all this was I was pretty sure I was Saved. The Devil will lie and lie to get you to rebel and Backslide until even God gives up on you.
Later for awhile, I embraced Calvinism because I thought if I got saved back then I was still saved and if I was lost I had lost nothing. Predestination seemed to work for me. Now I don’t know. Hyper Calvinism is going around like the Christian Flu because it appeals to the egos of the believers that think they are the “elect”. How does anyone know for sure?
Whatever the doctrine is, I feel a sense of loss in my life now. I used to talk to God without fear and felt a sort of friendliness I don’t feel now. God seems to have become deaf and blind to my plight. For years, I have tried to “make it up” to HIm, but He is not buying. Never listen to the Devil.
BTW the dear perps are threatening me and telling me not to post this.