Don’t listen to the Devil

Summer is finally here.  Next month will be my SEVENTH anniversary of hearing I “lost my salvation”.  God has never restored or reassured me that things were OK between us again even after I gave up all my bad habits, took to Bible study, even gave up pork for awhile, fasted once a week, etc….

It all started (I mean my 7 years of Backsliding) when the Devil or a demon spoke in my head (or voice to skull) saying, “it’s been 8 years since you were saved and your live has not changed.  God is ripping you off! You are still fat (this was the one), still single, still poor, still living in filth! You even got turned down for weight loss surgery! Look at this! Do you see a change???”

This was right after a rock idol of mine died and I took it way too hard after bragging to others that even if one of my rock idols dies I won’t be sad because I have Jesus now.  It was a bolt from the blue.

That very evening after I heard of his odd tragic death (they all kind of die that way don’t they?  What about Prince, Whitney Houston, and Micheal Jackson?)  I was depressed and speechless and some voice came in my ear and said that God was “ripping me off” and sort of implying I didn’t have God at all!

I responded to that voice (not having heard of talking demons or V2k) with rebellion against God.  It started small and grew.  I tried to rein myself in about a year after the death and go back on the path but I wasn’t really as serious as I was before.  I found out a former friend died in early 2005 and fell deep into sin after that.  I also found out I was a ti for real in 2005 and felt God had indeed ripped me off.  The reasoning was that if He didn’t care I wouldn’t care.  But, even though my life sucked He did care.  He removed all His blessings on my life one by one over the next 5 years until, on July 26, 2010 I heard a loud voice that vibrated my whole body tell me that I lost my Salvation. It was early in the morning when I woke up.  At first, I thought it was V2k and got over it after a day.  Then, the attacks came.  I heard voices telling me I was no good, and that God thought I was trash, I had nightmares, depression, insomnia and things got so bad I had to go to the ER with an anxiety attack in January 2011.

I had already got myself connected with Christians online to try and work this out.  At first, they told me the “devil” was talking to me and I needed to reform my behavior and come back to God. I needed to pray, fast, read the Bible, give up rock music, fantasies, my black hair, etc….  I obeyed them but things did not get better.  I even had a telephone “deliverance” where the deliverance minister said I had been set free.  But I wasn’t.  Later, I went on a fast and had a ‘revelation” that I had unconfessed  sin in my life.  I hurried home to my internet “friend” and told her and she said, THAT’S IT, now repent after me and you will be free.  But I wasn’t.

At the ER I received my first Ativan which began a benzo addiction that continues to this day.  I went dragging back to shrinks after 3 years of being free of them and also got antidepressants and a sleeping pill.  Even all drugged up I was still a mess and crying all the time.  I spent all day listening to Christian podcasts and remote deliverance shows.  By April 2011, all those Christians I met online were GONE. I began to suspect God had told them to leave me alone.

I now believe that my loss of Salvation was permanent.  Seven years is the time Job was tormented by devils then he was set free.  My life is worse than ever.

Even though I was a ti back then and heard voices I could still wear what I wanted and had more physical freedom than now.  The hatred was not so malignant, with people acting like this was a big joke.  Now people hate me for real.  I’m in bondage. I dared to wear some NAIL POLISH the perps did not like thinking it was trivial, but I paid. Nothing is off limits.  I’m even feeling physical jolts more often.  I used to be more at peace, as well, and would laugh more frequently.  Now, if I laugh, I still feel the bitterness inside.

God might have delivered me from the perps, even if partially, if I had obeyed that night and did not “mourn” my rock star.  I was “mourning” him for years, wearing only black most of the time.

Backsliding starts small and progresses like soul cancer.  I believe I even started to backslide the year before after discovering Christian Hard Rock.  I had a journal from 1998, and even though I did not overtly sin, I was very bitter and angry.  I wasn’t even walking the walk back in ’98!  Still God put up with me back then seeing I was trying my best and not in open rebellion.

The reason why I wanted to post this is that you should never ever listen to the voice of Hell telling you that you have it ill with God.  When I first backslid, I still talked to my family, could wear what I wanted and enjoyed life to a degree.  I loved God and wanted to serve Him even though my life sucked and I had “enemies” all over it seemed.  Do not listen to the damn Devil tell you God is ripping you off.  One thing I DID have before all this was I was pretty sure I was Saved.  The Devil will lie and lie to get you to rebel and Backslide until even God gives up on you.

Later for awhile, I embraced Calvinism because I thought if I got saved back then I was still saved and if I was lost I had lost nothing.  Predestination seemed to work for me.  Now I don’t know. Hyper Calvinism is going around like the Christian Flu because it appeals to the egos of the believers that think they are the “elect”.  How does anyone know for sure?

Whatever the doctrine is, I feel a sense of loss in my life now.  I used to talk to God without fear and felt a sort of friendliness I don’t feel now.  God seems to have become deaf and blind to my plight.  For years, I have tried to “make it up” to HIm, but He is not buying.  Never listen to the Devil.

BTW the dear perps are threatening me and telling me not to post this.

My Shrink

My shrink (yes I was conned back into the psych game due to V2k and intense “demonic” attacks), was acting funny yesterday.

I only see her once every few months but this time she came and got me on time (never happens) and was all business, not even a smile or “hi”.  Her mood seemed so heavy at first I thought something was going down and I was gonna get hauled off somewhere.

Her questioning was pointed, acting like I was losing even basic life skills.  Then she tried to pitch me the antipsychotic drugs again…again!!!!!  I know probably half the “clients” she sees are probably ti’s or have been victimized by the system some way.  Very few people there at the center look or act crazy and that ones that are are probably the ones that are on the most DRUGS.

The first time I saw a shrink was in my teens and I was pitched antipsychotics at FIFTEEN even though I had no voices or hallucinations.  I became suicidally  depressed on the poison and that is how I ended up in the state hospital at SIXTEEN, and I think they wanted me for a long time or even forever.  That is when I ran and by a miracle was not made to go back even though my “head therapist” tried to con me into going back “inside”.  We even had a “final meeting” INSIDE THE UNIT.  I did not breathe until one of the “counselors” opened the gate to let my parents and I out.

Back to now…

I even recently made the comment that if I allowed them to drug me to the gills, make me gain 100 pounds, lose 30 IQ points, get diabetes, etc…they would probably find me a new place to live.  I am basically uncooperative with the drugs so they won’t do shit for me.  I did not tell the shrink that comment but made it to someone else.

I know these finks have the inside track to low income housing but refuse to help.  Also, there are several clients each time I go that are clearly homeless but still go get their pills.  They will literally give you them for free even if you sleep under a bridge.

I did a post on my old blog about forced drugging and maybe I should resurrect it.  The person I knew who was drugged got all kinds of goodies from the system except her freedom.  Her attitude was one of anger and disgust the last time I saw her. She was also a perp.

She tried to hurt me badly but she was/still is? a textbook case of how far the system would go to control someone.  Someone gets rich off our misery and the demoniacs get high off the negative emotions.  I really expected to see a cop inside her office when I went back.

Watch this Movie

I found a place to watch “Network” from 1976 for free!  There are subtitles in Portuguese but you can still see the film pretty well.


The Network is sort of a 4th major Network sort of like Fox is today but it is in its death throes with ratings going into the toilet.  They must fire Peter Finch, the evening news guy because he’s supposedly dragging down the ratings.  When he’s told he is is to be fired, he goes nuts and his nuttiness (which is truly lucidity, since the only people who truly know reality are “nuts” and everyone else lives in a concocted fantasy to stay “sane” or is a sociopath) gets a ratings boost.  His rants start reviving the Network and he is not fired even though he had told the whole audience he would “kill himself on air next Tuesday”.

It’s a must see movie that foretells the future of what the world is today.  The main thing I got out of it is that in the future Finch says that people would not be totally human with human emotions. but, “humanoids”, products of the entertainment industry.  It has come to pass.  The rants of Peter Finch are great and sound like prophecy. The saddest part of the film is where Finch says “yes, Democracy won today, but that’s it, it’s over” after a merger with Saudi Arabia and the Network is foiled

Faye Dunaway plays Diana, the love interest who falls in love with Finch’s best friend, Max, played by William Holden.  He leaves his wife of 25 years to live with her only to find her a sociopathic unfeeling “humanoid”.  The best scene in the movie is the two breaking up where he tells her he has to leave because she is a life sucking force and that he is truly human and that he wishes to retain his humanity, even though he is old and “dying’ in this youth infested world.

There are also subplots about how Dunaway finds other subversive shows to grow the Network’s ratings.  One scene I find weird in a post 9/11 world is how Diana and Max are in bed laughing off the FBI’s attention to Diana’s shows, like they have all the freedom and the government is basically an annoyance.  How quaint.

There is also a subplot about all the corporate raiding going on behind the scenes.

I was only 10 or 11 when this film came out.  It could have been made today.  My favorite film of that era was “Jaws”.  Oh my. The most popular scene is the familiar one where Finch comes on his program, pushes another anchor off the show and says “he’s as mad as hell and he is not taking it anymore.” and gets the whole nation to scream out their windows.

Most people I know under 60 or so seem to be “humanoids” devoid of any deep emotion or loyalty.  People who have grown up since the Baby Boom era are products of media…they are “consumers”, “human resources”, get it? People are “product”.  The family is dead.  People are disposable, marriages are disposable, children are disposable.  The only thing that matters is survival.  Humanoid feral beings are now the norm.  The bus is a riding freakshow.

Perps are angrily muttering in the background.  They KNOW.  Oh they know.

There is something I want to say but I just can’t put my finger on it…you just know the show is true, though.  Remember your older relatives?  Your parents?  Your grandparents?  Remember how REAL they seemed?  I mean, I miss that.  Terribly.  There were always bad psychopathic shits around but there were REAL people around, too.  It balanced out.  It’s now the End Times.  What is accepted as “human” behavior is not normal.  It’s freakish.  Make sure not to miss the “money speech”.

I guess what I am trying to say is that evil is banal, and that is the era (1970s) when the widespread evil of the world became banal with television and violent movies-even before video games and the Internet.  It was the desensitization of the new “humanoid”.

The movies has lots of bad language and a few sex scenes, so if you are the “Focus on the Family” type you might not want to see it.

I’ll leave it to you to see the ending.  No spoiler.