Don’t listen to the Devil

Summer is finally here.  Next month will be my SEVENTH anniversary of hearing I “lost my salvation”.  God has never restored or reassured me that things were OK between us again even after I gave up all my bad habits, took to Bible study, even gave up pork for awhile, fasted once a week, etc….

It all started (I mean my 7 years of Backsliding) when the Devil or a demon spoke in my head (or voice to skull) saying, “it’s been 8 years since you were saved and your live has not changed.  God is ripping you off! You are still fat (this was the one), still single, still poor, still living in filth! You even got turned down for weight loss surgery! Look at this! Do you see a change???”

This was right after a rock idol of mine died and I took it way too hard after bragging to others that even if one of my rock idols dies I won’t be sad because I have Jesus now.  It was a bolt from the blue.

That very evening after I heard of his odd tragic death (they all kind of die that way don’t they?  What about Prince, Whitney Houston, and Micheal Jackson?)  I was depressed and speechless and some voice came in my ear and said that God was “ripping me off” and sort of implying I didn’t have God at all!

I responded to that voice (not having heard of talking demons or V2k) with rebellion against God.  It started small and grew.  I tried to rein myself in about a year after the death and go back on the path but I wasn’t really as serious as I was before.  I found out a former friend died in early 2005 and fell deep into sin after that.  I also found out I was a ti for real in 2005 and felt God had indeed ripped me off.  The reasoning was that if He didn’t care I wouldn’t care.  But, even though my life sucked He did care.  He removed all His blessings on my life one by one over the next 5 years until, on July 26, 2010 I heard a loud voice that vibrated my whole body tell me that I lost my Salvation. It was early in the morning when I woke up.  At first, I thought it was V2k and got over it after a day.  Then, the attacks came.  I heard voices telling me I was no good, and that God thought I was trash, I had nightmares, depression, insomnia and things got so bad I had to go to the ER with an anxiety attack in January 2011.

I had already got myself connected with Christians online to try and work this out.  At first, they told me the “devil” was talking to me and I needed to reform my behavior and come back to God. I needed to pray, fast, read the Bible, give up rock music, fantasies, my black hair, etc….  I obeyed them but things did not get better.  I even had a telephone “deliverance” where the deliverance minister said I had been set free.  But I wasn’t.  Later, I went on a fast and had a ‘revelation” that I had unconfessed  sin in my life.  I hurried home to my internet “friend” and told her and she said, THAT’S IT, now repent after me and you will be free.  But I wasn’t.

At the ER I received my first Ativan which began a benzo addiction that continues to this day.  I went dragging back to shrinks after 3 years of being free of them and also got antidepressants and a sleeping pill.  Even all drugged up I was still a mess and crying all the time.  I spent all day listening to Christian podcasts and remote deliverance shows.  By April 2011, all those Christians I met online were GONE. I began to suspect God had told them to leave me alone.

I now believe that my loss of Salvation was permanent.  Seven years is the time Job was tormented by devils then he was set free.  My life is worse than ever.

Even though I was a ti back then and heard voices I could still wear what I wanted and had more physical freedom than now.  The hatred was not so malignant, with people acting like this was a big joke.  Now people hate me for real.  I’m in bondage. I dared to wear some NAIL POLISH the perps did not like thinking it was trivial, but I paid. Nothing is off limits.  I’m even feeling physical jolts more often.  I used to be more at peace, as well, and would laugh more frequently.  Now, if I laugh, I still feel the bitterness inside.

God might have delivered me from the perps, even if partially, if I had obeyed that night and did not “mourn” my rock star.  I was “mourning” him for years, wearing only black most of the time.

Backsliding starts small and progresses like soul cancer.  I believe I even started to backslide the year before after discovering Christian Hard Rock.  I had a journal from 1998, and even though I did not overtly sin, I was very bitter and angry.  I wasn’t even walking the walk back in ’98!  Still God put up with me back then seeing I was trying my best and not in open rebellion.

The reason why I wanted to post this is that you should never ever listen to the voice of Hell telling you that you have it ill with God.  When I first backslid, I still talked to my family, could wear what I wanted and enjoyed life to a degree.  I loved God and wanted to serve Him even though my life sucked and I had “enemies” all over it seemed.  Do not listen to the damn Devil tell you God is ripping you off.  One thing I DID have before all this was I was pretty sure I was Saved.  The Devil will lie and lie to get you to rebel and Backslide until even God gives up on you.

Later for awhile, I embraced Calvinism because I thought if I got saved back then I was still saved and if I was lost I had lost nothing.  Predestination seemed to work for me.  Now I don’t know. Hyper Calvinism is going around like the Christian Flu because it appeals to the egos of the believers that think they are the “elect”.  How does anyone know for sure?

Whatever the doctrine is, I feel a sense of loss in my life now.  I used to talk to God without fear and felt a sort of friendliness I don’t feel now.  God seems to have become deaf and blind to my plight.  For years, I have tried to “make it up” to HIm, but He is not buying.  Never listen to the Devil.

BTW the dear perps are threatening me and telling me not to post this.

Something about yesterday’s podcast

Yesterday’s podcast of Pineconeutopia pointed out the fact that ti Millicent Black had a romantic relationship with her perp before her harassment and electronic torture started.

I had a “boyfriend” that I broke off with (the one with the dad at Lockheed Martin) right before I noticed things were odd.  I was an outcast my whole life but now the weird stuff was happening like getting pulled over by police 6 times in a month and discovering people watching me…that was only the beginning of course.

I rejected this man and instead of him begging me to stay with him or asking me why I wanted to break up, he cruelly said “all my friends hate you” and started ripping me apart in the restaurant we were at.  I wanted to leave town to essentially be a groupie.  I did not see why this breakup would be such a big deal to him since he treated me like a second class girlfriend.

When I begged to move in with him to get away from my parents (pre religion days) he said “no”.  When I expressed an interest in a band coming to town he took someone else.  He never bought me a nice gift.  I felt like I was a place holder until he could get a “real” girlfriend.  I guess he just thought he wanted to control me and that I was a second class citizen and HOW DARE I break up with him!

I considered this man physically unattractive and really didn’t want to go out with him in the first place but he seemed very nice and at ease at first.  His family acted nicely towards me and since he had friends I had lots of “friend in laws” to hang out with as well as my boyfriend on Saturday night.  We did become physically involved which was a mistake since he was secretly gay at the time and was fooling around with one of his gay friends who later (not much later actually) died of aids.

After we “broke up” he got married to another woman and then they got divorced and both came out as gay!  Later, I caught up with him working a temp job that I lost really fast (did he talk about me?) and he was living with a man twice his age.  What a waste of two years of my life.

Which brings up the question:  am I a generational ti or did this man do this to me as revenge? There also was another man I went out with that seemed unusually hostile to me when I ran into him years after the breakup.

Millicent Black is unusually lucky to know who her real stalker is.  This man, who underwent extensive military training on how to survive (and inflict?) torture turned her whole town and even her family against her  My family fell, too.

She has had terrible physical torture as well and has had surgeries.  She knew this man since childhood but was never close until they went out together.  My “boyfriend” was Jewish and just one year younger so I thought I could trust him.

Pineconeutopia #11 on Covert Warfare is very educational on how someone might get gangstalked.  Ti Ramola D. has Millicent’s history on her Web site as well.

Hell on Earth

I do wonder sometimes:  as I go thru life merely existing in a punishment mode the perps created for me, and watch life go on all around me, and know I cannot participate, and realize there is no one to complain to;  I wonder if I have died, am dead, extinct, expired, etc…

Right after or right before this SHIT started I took a plane ride.  Did the plane really land?  Did it crash and I forgot I’m dead?  One of the few friends I had in this world had committed suicide when I was gone.  THIS greeted me when I got back.  I didn’t notice the surveillance/rude treatment until a few months later, but, looking back, I can see its early manifestations starting the year before–1986.  Is THIS a special punishment mode for hell-bound souls who are not “bad enough” for the fire/brimstone/demon routine?  This was years before I was “saved”.  Was I really saved?  Was my Salvation a delusion from the demons assigned to me to create a plausible “world” for me to “live” in whilst they punish my soul at leisure?

Right after it started, the few people who cared about me in this world started dying one by one leaving me no one to count on.  Did the people who *seemed* to care, really care?  Was that a delusion?  Did I die even younger, perhaps at sixteen, hitching around the country?

Slowly but surely the few places/situations where I would receive any human warmth/emotion/sympathy/empathy dwindled and died.  Everywhere, it was replaced by coldness and “perping”.  Even in church!  Jesus said that “hearts would grow cold” in Matthew 24.  It’s happening.

With the advent of cell phones, even my illusion of privacy died.  Everybody around me would whip out their cell phone if I showed up.  Soon everyone would taunt me with some phrase my perp supervisor at work directed at me–whispered of course as I went by.  It seemed the whole city had been replaced by cyborgs or demons.  It seemed as if my life was a lie, a delusion, a mere show put on for me for my everlasting punishment.  To get any peace at all, I found I had to isolate myself, further disconnecting myself from the society that seemed determined to disown me.

With the discovery that I was a ti, with all the stalking/harassment/mental death/mind control/regression/infantalization processes along with it, my whole life fell in.  After a brief interlude of hope that it was now “ending”,  I had a nervous breakdown without having a nervous breakdown.  I KNEW I could not show up at a hospital or therapist’s office (or the police!) with my story as I already knew what would happen from hard experience in other situations:  out would come the schizo pills.

So I hid my anguish the best I could, but, it came out anyway.  The last scraps of human interaction I had were destroyed.  I had the surety I needed to know that no one was to be trusted, and, when I did open up, I paid the price.  I isolated more.  I cried a lot.  I returned to my adolescent fantasy world.  I reached out to other targets on the Web to find most of them seemed to be informants for the enemy and/or unwilling to interact with me because they said their targeting “increased” when they interacted with me even online.  What, their targeting did not increase when they interacted with other targets?  Why just me?  I was at the center of a nightmare, alone.  All my online “friends” were feeding to the enemy everything I said to them in emails, messaging, and list servs.

It seems like life is a big reality show and everyone plays their “part”.  People act out “work”, “play”, “church”, “family time”, “vacations”, “birth”, “death”, “marriage”…all just a play.  It’s done by rote, without feeling.  It’s done automatically because if the parts aren’t played, and the lines not uttered, you are in “violation” and will be “punished”.  I don’t want to lend any validation to those debunkers who say ti’s have “Truman Show Syndrome” which is one of the newest “syndromes” to brush ti’s off into psychiatry where of course we can be readily and conveniently treated with the latest “no side effects”  neuroleptic brain death pills supplied by the hydra-headed Big Pharm to keep all “citizens” dumbed down to the level of controllable human pet.  This is no Truman Show.  This is reality for thousands if not millions of innocent “citizens” who suffer in silence for years and decades on end with the only outlet being these blogs, You Tube Channels, and conference calls.  The blogs and videos are seen mainly only by other targets, perps, and other apparatuses of the Modern Nightmare.

I still wonder though…how can it be real?  How can there be no comfort?  Even PRAYING is scant comfort, as my mind is read, and prayers (they say) are answered by PERPS.  The Word of God becomes void when the Word says only God knows your heart when the perps mindread 24/7/365 and even script your dreams.  God must go even deeper than what the satanic technology reads with machines in order to maintain His Sovereignty since God is not the top authority if trash like perps can see into your deepest soul.  Where is God’s comfort?  Where is my fellowship with God if satanists read my mind?  I’ve even tried to obtain a “prayer language” or “tongues” to talk to God so the perps would not know what I was talking about.

Where is the fellowship with other Christians?  The few “Christians” I’ve met since the very beginning honeymoon phase back in the 1990s are shills for the enemy using their “life story” and “faith” to draw me out and even set me up for more pain.  Is this how it’s supposed to be?  It can’t be.  Even in Paul’s depth of hardship and privations he had fellowship with God.  His Roman handlers could not read his mind.  He didn’t have armies of paid stalkers shadowing his movements and putting on skits for his misery.  Even Jesus’ suffering came to an end.  Were those hours like an eternity?

I have felt the loss of fellowship with God and the inability to REALLY pray or enjoy the Bible for YEARS.  I must be in Hell.  No one bothered to tell me.  I’m actually dead, that’s all.

I took lots of risks when young, maybe one of them didn’t work out.  Maybe the perception I was “blessed” and “protected” by God was a delusion.  Maybe I angered God when young and never even had the chance to be “saved”.  I wasn’t a very nice person, but neither was anyone else that nice to me.  Even as a child, I felt people were not acting in my best interest and my parents’ advice was poor and just designed to demoralize me.  It was no help at all.

I go out and everyone is in on it.  Cars go by with staring sneering perps.  Other perps walk by with dirty looks.  Some with insults.  Some with threats.  Sometimes under their breath but now (2017) right out loud.  Some perps have their faces twisted into satanic glee with a sort of sheen or glow on them.  Store clerks are rude. I see cops all the time.  People will go out of their way to try and engage me in “conversations” that are merely info gathering.  It’s just another way to add to the profile they have on me to attack me better.  They try to get me to relax, feel comfortable around them, and feel I’ve found a “friend”.  I have fallen for this crap too many times.  I took one of those people into my home because he was homeless years ago.  What a mistake.

How long will the charade last before I’m dropped into the fire along with my perps and all other sinners?  I feel separated from God, STILL.  The world is dead, cold and fake.  I’m smelling fraud.  I used to sit in one of the religious services I could still go to and see evil clinging to every smirking face in the room.  God would never let the world go so far into evil that it seemed a suburb of Hell, or would He?  He allowed the Holocaust, the murders of Stalin’s regime, the murders of Mao Tse Tung’s regime and others even before I was born.

Most of their victims were Atheists who did not believe in the Afterlife, but not all.  The Jews still have an unclear vision of the Afterlife and they did then, too.  Is all this bloody “history” I’ve learned fake as well?  People talk about reality shifting.  Is being a ti living in a parallel reality while others enjoy life?

Are all the historic wars, slaughters, diseases and storms all just a construct of demonic handlers?  Is there a kinder, gentler alternate reality?  Life is sure cheap in this one.  How could God choose HUMANS as His Chosen?  Are other sentinents  even worse?  Are they only the demons?  Are there really Aliens out there?

The only answer I have is the End is here, and hearts have truly gone cold.  Real human emotion is very rare and usually extinct in a ti’s everyday life.  A ti can become cold him or herself:  regressed, infantalized, dulled to evil–eventually a suicide, an early death, or a perp recruit.  Any ti who resists the dehumanizing gets punished more or taken out.  The future of a psychocivilized, infantalized, stupid race of human pets is upon us.  People will be medicated numbed and controlled from cradle to grave.  Let’s get real.  It’s happening now.

Learning and scholarship will die except if the learning has to do with even more technologies to further animalize humans and to create a tiny “master race” to control the human slaves.  School is a place of indoctrination, a place to learn to conform and to “get along”.  Learning, even at the college level, is truly minimal.  Your whole life now is controlled and planned by the handlers before you are born.

People follow fashion, music, movies, and reality TV shows for their “religion”.  Evangelical religion and any other Fundamental religion is only used as a babysitting service to control those whose lives went haywire with “substance abuse” or crime.  Those who refuse to imbibe substances or get an STD and get into the prison/12-step/ever-recovering oh I’m sooo spiriTOOL pseudo religious path will be given Eating Disorders via Voice to Skull to take up their precious time and money.  Others will spend so much time at “work” that they do not live at all.  Others spend hours online or in front of the TV, the main brainwashing tool in the controller’s arsenal.  A FEW people will be allowed to pursue what seems to be REAL careers in business or the “arts”.  Even THEY will obey and if they rebel, they will be promptly targeted.

The evangelical religions will be run by high level handlers of the controllers.  Any “convert” who thinks for themselves will be “put out” of church or ostracized so much going to church is useless.  The Pious Web toodlers who spew Scripture verses by the dozen to refute a comment and impress and silence others from commenting on religious matters will be satan’s chief ones.  As said before, the Religion of the Twelve Steps will be provided for those who resist compulsive TV watching or controlled organized religion.  Otherwise, the out of control, non-psychocivilized, non pet humans who have gone wild on “substances” or even THOUGHT are put in jails, halfway houses, mental institutions or simply targeted.

Who knows when the Earth ceased to be a place for humans to be born, grow, thrive, and develop their relationship with God?  Was it after WWII?  Was it over 200 years ago when the Illuminati merged with the Freemasons?  Was it back in ancient Egypt?

When did the SNITCH become a respectable person?  Remember when snitches were laughed off or even “got stitches”?  Secrets and lies replace human relationships.  The controllers would set their throne above God’s.  Of course they will lose…in the bye and bye.

The 21st Century has become Hell on Earth.