Don’t listen to the Devil

Summer is finally here.  Next month will be my SEVENTH anniversary of hearing I “lost my salvation”.  God has never restored or reassured me that things were OK between us again even after I gave up all my bad habits, took to Bible study, even gave up pork for awhile, fasted once a week, etc….

It all started (I mean my 7 years of Backsliding) when the Devil or a demon spoke in my head (or voice to skull) saying, “it’s been 8 years since you were saved and your live has not changed.  God is ripping you off! You are still fat (this was the one), still single, still poor, still living in filth! You even got turned down for weight loss surgery! Look at this! Do you see a change???”

This was right after a rock idol of mine died and I took it way too hard after bragging to others that even if one of my rock idols dies I won’t be sad because I have Jesus now.  It was a bolt from the blue.

That very evening after I heard of his odd tragic death (they all kind of die that way don’t they?  What about Prince, Whitney Houston, and Micheal Jackson?)  I was depressed and speechless and some voice came in my ear and said that God was “ripping me off” and sort of implying I didn’t have God at all!

I responded to that voice (not having heard of talking demons or V2k) with rebellion against God.  It started small and grew.  I tried to rein myself in about a year after the death and go back on the path but I wasn’t really as serious as I was before.  I found out a former friend died in early 2005 and fell deep into sin after that.  I also found out I was a ti for real in 2005 and felt God had indeed ripped me off.  The reasoning was that if He didn’t care I wouldn’t care.  But, even though my life sucked He did care.  He removed all His blessings on my life one by one over the next 5 years until, on July 26, 2010 I heard a loud voice that vibrated my whole body tell me that I lost my Salvation. It was early in the morning when I woke up.  At first, I thought it was V2k and got over it after a day.  Then, the attacks came.  I heard voices telling me I was no good, and that God thought I was trash, I had nightmares, depression, insomnia and things got so bad I had to go to the ER with an anxiety attack in January 2011.

I had already got myself connected with Christians online to try and work this out.  At first, they told me the “devil” was talking to me and I needed to reform my behavior and come back to God. I needed to pray, fast, read the Bible, give up rock music, fantasies, my black hair, etc….  I obeyed them but things did not get better.  I even had a telephone “deliverance” where the deliverance minister said I had been set free.  But I wasn’t.  Later, I went on a fast and had a ‘revelation” that I had unconfessed  sin in my life.  I hurried home to my internet “friend” and told her and she said, THAT’S IT, now repent after me and you will be free.  But I wasn’t.

At the ER I received my first Ativan which began a benzo addiction that continues to this day.  I went dragging back to shrinks after 3 years of being free of them and also got antidepressants and a sleeping pill.  Even all drugged up I was still a mess and crying all the time.  I spent all day listening to Christian podcasts and remote deliverance shows.  By April 2011, all those Christians I met online were GONE. I began to suspect God had told them to leave me alone.

I now believe that my loss of Salvation was permanent.  Seven years is the time Job was tormented by devils then he was set free.  My life is worse than ever.

Even though I was a ti back then and heard voices I could still wear what I wanted and had more physical freedom than now.  The hatred was not so malignant, with people acting like this was a big joke.  Now people hate me for real.  I’m in bondage. I dared to wear some NAIL POLISH the perps did not like thinking it was trivial, but I paid. Nothing is off limits.  I’m even feeling physical jolts more often.  I used to be more at peace, as well, and would laugh more frequently.  Now, if I laugh, I still feel the bitterness inside.

God might have delivered me from the perps, even if partially, if I had obeyed that night and did not “mourn” my rock star.  I was “mourning” him for years, wearing only black most of the time.

Backsliding starts small and progresses like soul cancer.  I believe I even started to backslide the year before after discovering Christian Hard Rock.  I had a journal from 1998, and even though I did not overtly sin, I was very bitter and angry.  I wasn’t even walking the walk back in ’98!  Still God put up with me back then seeing I was trying my best and not in open rebellion.

The reason why I wanted to post this is that you should never ever listen to the voice of Hell telling you that you have it ill with God.  When I first backslid, I still talked to my family, could wear what I wanted and enjoyed life to a degree.  I loved God and wanted to serve Him even though my life sucked and I had “enemies” all over it seemed.  Do not listen to the damn Devil tell you God is ripping you off.  One thing I DID have before all this was I was pretty sure I was Saved.  The Devil will lie and lie to get you to rebel and Backslide until even God gives up on you.

Later for awhile, I embraced Calvinism because I thought if I got saved back then I was still saved and if I was lost I had lost nothing.  Predestination seemed to work for me.  Now I don’t know. Hyper Calvinism is going around like the Christian Flu because it appeals to the egos of the believers that think they are the “elect”.  How does anyone know for sure?

Whatever the doctrine is, I feel a sense of loss in my life now.  I used to talk to God without fear and felt a sort of friendliness I don’t feel now.  God seems to have become deaf and blind to my plight.  For years, I have tried to “make it up” to HIm, but He is not buying.  Never listen to the Devil.

BTW the dear perps are threatening me and telling me not to post this.

Another Yom Kippur

Here it is, Fall again, and another Yom Kippur alone.

I should not be concerned about Yom Kippur since I have been or professed Christianity for 20 years.  Yet, I still felt God, or the Holy Spirit driving me to fast Yom Kippur.  If I felt assured of my Salvation I might write it off as bunk or “Judaizing” my faith.  But, I really don’t know if I’m saved since 2010 and even before that.  I had been backsliding since 2003 or so, and I thought I had made it right but this last year has been from hell and I don’t think God is with me anymore.

For four years now, I’ve also been fasting once a week thinking this would keep me in God’s good graces and keep demons and other troubles off me.  It’s a healthy physical practice but I haven’t got much from it spiritually since the fast became just a part of my weekly routine.  I keep hearing negative messages from God (or Voice to Skull?) so I stopped praying pretty much.  If I pray, I get Voice to Skull and it does not seem I get through to God.  I stopped fasting once a week 3 weeks ago but I’ll do Yom Kippur.

I doubt I’d have even considered Christianity if it hadn’t been for the rabbi that rejected me when I was a kid.  I would have stayed put as a Jew and not been abandoned by my family (even though they might have done it because I’m a ti).  I really thought Christianity was the way to go since I had guilty sins on my conscience, and Jesus Christ promised forgiveness of all sins.

About the Bat Mitzvah I never had:  to be honest, it wasn’t that I just missed out on the gifts, the party, the adoring relatives, etc….that is very well for a child and I would have loved it, but I had a deeper feeling of rejection.

I felt you just about pushed me out of Cheder and the Bar/Bat Mitzvah program because God told you to.  I felt you had a pipeline to God and He told you not to give me a Bat Mitzvah.  I didn’t measure up.  At 11 1/2 I was evil, somehow, a defective.  That feeling led to my rebellion in my teen years along with all the bullying and ostracisism.

I thought it would all be cool with God and I when I got “Saved”.  Maybe not.  I had never heard of Predestination until later.  Maybe I’m not one of the elect.  I’m probably not one of the elect.  I still coulda had a Bat Mitzvah.  Did my parents/teachers get their tips on raising me from the devil himself?

Here’s to another Yom Kippur.

A Cure for Gangstalking? Simon Moore has it.

I found this channel on Lissa’s Humane Life, a large ti blog.  It gave me great comfort that this man, an ordinary man with no great learning or gifts, was given the gift of Jesus and had his infirmity (gangstalking) removed!!!  I was really excited and watched all his videos on gangstalking and knew he was right. I have gone the Spiritual Warfare route to stop the stalkers since the mid 1990s–even before i heard of gangstalking!  I knew what was happening to me was wrong and very weird, and when the wife of our Sunday School teacher brought a Rebecca Brown book, He Came to Set the Captives Free, to us one Sunday, I went out and bought the book and tried the things Rebecca Brown suggested.  The things I did seemed to have an effect on the stalkers, albeit a minimal one.  Later, I went to the site Demonbusters for self help in the late 1990s–through about 2001 or so.  I said the prayers and looked up tons of Bible verses but found the effect on the stalkers minimal but present. I once said the Daily Prayers on that site and it made the Enemy mad and I got “punished”. When I hooked up with other ti’s in 2005 on Yahoo boards, another ti said that Demonbusters was a bunk site, but, a deliverance minister I later heard said Demonbusters were great and that they were Internet pioneers in Spiritual Warfare.  I did not really “do” any more Spiritual Warfare until 2010 when I underwent a spiritual crisis that still continues.  I went onto the Internet deliverance shows such as Omega Man where they would do individual call-in and mass deliverance (a deliverance session for everyone listening). I would show up every evening for the 3-hour show and even sometimes go to his after-show.  There were other deliverance/end times shows I listened to, usually under the moniker “guest” because I was afraid of signing in and being perped. I even covered my hair for 1 to 2 years because it was recommended women cover their hair if they were to be in prayer during the day.  I walked around with a rag on my head because I heard it afforded greater protection.  That was until I saw how much older it made me look. The shows recommended Win Worley and Derrick Prince, both powerful deliverance preachers of the 20th century.  I also listened to Marcus Haggard, an anointed deliverance minister who was also a veterinarian. He fasted 40 days once.  He worked so hard on deliverance he died in his early 50s.  His son was the shameful Pastor Ted Haggard from Colorado Springs.  Too bad people forget his father, who should be remembered. Back to Simon Moore.  He says he is perp free for almost a year now.  I believe him.  He says he sees them hanging around but they do not bother him or mess up his life at all.  The only time the perps came back is when he backslid and went back to drinking for a whole week! I backslid for 7 years.  He is on the straight and narrow and has even lost weight. The only problem I have with his approach is that he says the perps are unconscious of their evil.  I think they do know what they are doing at first, but do not really know what they are getting into, and do not realize how demonized they become as they continue on as a perp.  They probably do it for money at the start.  I’ve heard a homeless man say they got 50 bucks a day to “do it” and that’s a lot if you have no bills.  I heard a perp say he was getting 1000 bucks to camp behind the dumpster across the street.  Until the cops hauled him off. Another ti said that perp “bosses” got 40k a year, not too bad.  Others get paid in the form of favors and services.

That was on Eleanor White’s site. The idea of payment in kind.  My next door neighbors got paid in kind for “services” way back in 2005 or so. I do not know why God did not rid me of perps when I went the Bible reading/prayer/Spiritual Warfare route.  I guess God treats everyone differently. The power of this great evil of gangstalking/mind control/hive mind is so great that only God can help its victims.  Why do some of us targets who follow God still get perps decades later and this little upstart got rid of his in what? 30 days? 60 days?  I’ve done looong Bible studies, spent hours online at deliverance shows, gone on fasts, etc…yet it was a perp shit show this morning.  I once went on a fast a whole week (liquid fast) and all I could come up with is that I thought Hell was cruel.

They won’t even leave me alone for a few minutes.  Inside or outside.  They constantly threaten to block me off so I can’t leave my apartment all day long…do this, and we’ll trap you, do that and we’ll trap you…etc.  I did not know I was a ti until 17 years after it started.  I could not conceive of such evil.  I thought it was a local thing and it would go away if I left this city which I call “the prison”.

PS:  Mr. Moore has not posted lately.  He also said perps can be redeemed by repenting.  I’m not sure.  Guess it Depends if they sign their lives away to the devil in order to get paid for not working.  I wish he would post again.

P.P.S  He has posted two new vids lately and one of those horrific evil “Hell testimonies” where Jesus sends someone to Hell and the person finds Hell full of Christians.  Maybe I should have just remained a Jew.  He promised to post a new vid everyday but nothing new has come up.  He says it takes 12 hours to upload a new vid, is that true???

If this drags on long enough some ti’s get cynical towards God and then finally hate Him.