For years, I have noticed God was at a distance from me. I even heard I lost my salvation in 2010! I’m still not sure if it’s the psychopath perps who were trying to set me up to go crazy or kill myself, or really God, but my evil landlady acted like it was GREAT! She came up to the window that night and said “gotcha” with a smirk on her ugly face.
I tried to end backsliding and come back to God. I did Bible studies online, fasted, prayed, etc…but still felt lost. I was cruelly treated at a “Christian” coffeehouse even having some strange (perp?) woman say “you are soooo lost” out of the blue. The people I tried to hang out with online who were Christians all ran away after a few months.
These past two years have been the worst. Praying to God has been like praying to the wall. I have an increasingly psychopathic and cruel landlady, that evil neighbor, accusations against me, people acting like I don’t even have a right to be outside, etc, etc, etc,…
So I thought I would test God, try God to see if He was still there. I asked him to get my landlady away from me or to move out, get that horrible neighbor out of here, and also to save me or restore me, whatever the case. I would plead every morning to be saved and to “not go to bed lost”. I would go to bed lost. Most importantly to me, I prayed from day one, that the person who caused the fire be found and arrested. No dice. I have lived for over a year in terror wondering every time I see a siren or see a cop since my twisted landlady started going around the neighbors and her friends accusing ME then telling them..”but I don’t call the cops”. All the perp sheeple she told could have but didn’t. They knew she was lying.
Now there has been another fire. On my block. There’s lots of fires around here. The Dumpster closest to my apartment caught on fire a few years ago, a house two blocks away burned to the ground about 3 years ago, then the homeless shelter burned. Now, an abandoned house at the end of MY block has burned. There are lots of other fires that have burned in the area, if you have an empty house around, it’s almost guaranteed to burn. The authorities should be looking for a serial arsonist but the cops seem to only be there to serve and protect their perp buddies.
God is absent. I have been living lost so long I forgot what it was like to be saved. I’m a “lifer” ti with no future. I can’t even go places by myself for fear of getting assaulted. I even won’t walk to the store 1/2 mile away! My future will be even worse. There is now a cell microwave tower outside my front door. I felt overheated last night despite it being a cool night and the heat not being on.
Nothing works: praying, fasting, singing, Bible study, etc…..I gave up following my band 6 1/2 years ago. I gave up rock music. I am tired to death of Christian music. Nothing is good enough. No one will help me to move out of here. I heard another “neighbor” doing directed conversation on the phone saying something was “going to happen”. I was listening to his conversation about me and saw 2 cops ON HORSES outside and it looked as if I was spying. One of the cops did the perp nose salute and made some comments like “it’s too bad, it’s a pity, etc…as they rode by.
I have nothing to look forward to. Why should I just sit and rot and grow to be an old ti? What a waste! Should I let my tormentors continue to feed and house me for the next 20 or 30 years while I sit on my ass and do nothing but be miserable? I’m sick of seeing my old ugly face in the mirror.
Don’t ever get God so mad He does not come back.