Lil Stalker

Today I have been in a horrible mood because of yesterday and having to cook all day in the heat (unappreciated) and something else perpy.  I was going nuts when I decided to Google my sister AGAIN.  I am sorry to admit I sort of “stalk” her online to find out what’s going on with her since she does not talk to me.  For once, I hit ‘pay dirt”.  I found a short blog from her about some HEART SURGERY she had 2 years ago.  I wrote the post To my Estranged Sister right around that time while she was miserable and recovering from surgery! There is something psychic or spiritual about that–I mean, thinking of her right after she had surgery!

Turns out, she has had heart disease for years!  It’s related to her brush with Cancer back in the 1980’s!  I never knew.  Her aortic valve had been closing and she needed a transplanted aortic valve from a cow!  That was major major surgery, even more than the abdominal surgery I had in 2010!  She was in ICU and they sent me to the ward after the operation!

She spent a week? in the hospital, maybe more, but when she came out started to exercise right away even though she barely could!  Her list of symptoms put me to shame!  My stomach shit gave me gas attacks and bad heartburn, etc and lower lung function, but, she had been going downhill for years!

Her last post is 2 weeks? post op and she had BURNING in her chest!  My incision after the first week or so mainly itched!  Same operation stuff, though.  Can’t sit, can’t stand, can’t lie down.  I remember those long nights listening to Dr. Laura and to Coast to Coast until I finally fell asleep sitting up against the bed board. 

I am assuming that she is recovered now but wonder how long her lifespan is with a broken heart.  I do wish she would call or write.  I’m afraid one day I’ll discover she died an early death!  She will be 50 next year which is excellent since I did not think she would even live until 21 after she had Cancer at 19!!

My eldest nephew will graduate High School next year as well.  When she called me the morning of our Father’s funeral she acted crabby and you know…I had no idea she might have been feeling bad. I always thought she came away from her Cancer in good health.  I have not set eyes on her in 12 1/2 years, but, got a pic of her (in a hospital bed!)  She looked like I did a few years ago!  We could pass as twins!  I’m fatter and have more wrinkles now, however than she did in that pic, but, I saw myself and our mother looking back at me on that page!

She looked the way I looked at 42 or so!  OK 35, ya’ll. And she was 46!  Better skin care products and probably not as much junk food.  I managed to see a sort of blurry pic of her at a picnic with her husband and one nephew.  She was wearing glasses.

I sort of feel bad about playing the “stalker” online but she is my only sister.  I have no one else.  Our parents are dead and my Aunts and Uncles are dead and I have no contact with cousins.  Please, please, please N. would you call me?

E.

 

 

 

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Don’t listen to the Devil

Summer is finally here.  Next month will be my SEVENTH anniversary of hearing I “lost my salvation”.  God has never restored or reassured me that things were OK between us again even after I gave up all my bad habits, took to Bible study, even gave up pork for awhile, fasted once a week, etc….

It all started (I mean my 7 years of Backsliding) when the Devil or a demon spoke in my head (or voice to skull) saying, “it’s been 8 years since you were saved and your live has not changed.  God is ripping you off! You are still fat (this was the one), still single, still poor, still living in filth! You even got turned down for weight loss surgery! Look at this! Do you see a change???”

This was right after a rock idol of mine died and I took it way too hard after bragging to others that even if one of my rock idols dies I won’t be sad because I have Jesus now.  It was a bolt from the blue.

That very evening after I heard of his odd tragic death (they all kind of die that way don’t they?  What about Prince, Whitney Houston, and Micheal Jackson?)  I was depressed and speechless and some voice came in my ear and said that God was “ripping me off” and sort of implying I didn’t have God at all!

I responded to that voice (not having heard of talking demons or V2k) with rebellion against God.  It started small and grew.  I tried to rein myself in about a year after the death and go back on the path but I wasn’t really as serious as I was before.  I found out a former friend died in early 2005 and fell deep into sin after that.  I also found out I was a ti for real in 2005 and felt God had indeed ripped me off.  The reasoning was that if He didn’t care I wouldn’t care.  But, even though my life sucked He did care.  He removed all His blessings on my life one by one over the next 5 years until, on July 26, 2010 I heard a loud voice that vibrated my whole body tell me that I lost my Salvation. It was early in the morning when I woke up.  At first, I thought it was V2k and got over it after a day.  Then, the attacks came.  I heard voices telling me I was no good, and that God thought I was trash, I had nightmares, depression, insomnia and things got so bad I had to go to the ER with an anxiety attack in January 2011.

I had already got myself connected with Christians online to try and work this out.  At first, they told me the “devil” was talking to me and I needed to reform my behavior and come back to God. I needed to pray, fast, read the Bible, give up rock music, fantasies, my black hair, etc….  I obeyed them but things did not get better.  I even had a telephone “deliverance” where the deliverance minister said I had been set free.  But I wasn’t.  Later, I went on a fast and had a ‘revelation” that I had unconfessed  sin in my life.  I hurried home to my internet “friend” and told her and she said, THAT’S IT, now repent after me and you will be free.  But I wasn’t.

At the ER I received my first Ativan which began a benzo addiction that continues to this day.  I went dragging back to shrinks after 3 years of being free of them and also got antidepressants and a sleeping pill.  Even all drugged up I was still a mess and crying all the time.  I spent all day listening to Christian podcasts and remote deliverance shows.  By April 2011, all those Christians I met online were GONE. I began to suspect God had told them to leave me alone.

I now believe that my loss of Salvation was permanent.  Seven years is the time Job was tormented by devils then he was set free.  My life is worse than ever.

Even though I was a ti back then and heard voices I could still wear what I wanted and had more physical freedom than now.  The hatred was not so malignant, with people acting like this was a big joke.  Now people hate me for real.  I’m in bondage. I dared to wear some NAIL POLISH the perps did not like thinking it was trivial, but I paid. Nothing is off limits.  I’m even feeling physical jolts more often.  I used to be more at peace, as well, and would laugh more frequently.  Now, if I laugh, I still feel the bitterness inside.

God might have delivered me from the perps, even if partially, if I had obeyed that night and did not “mourn” my rock star.  I was “mourning” him for years, wearing only black most of the time.

Backsliding starts small and progresses like soul cancer.  I believe I even started to backslide the year before after discovering Christian Hard Rock.  I had a journal from 1998, and even though I did not overtly sin, I was very bitter and angry.  I wasn’t even walking the walk back in ’98!  Still God put up with me back then seeing I was trying my best and not in open rebellion.

The reason why I wanted to post this is that you should never ever listen to the voice of Hell telling you that you have it ill with God.  When I first backslid, I still talked to my family, could wear what I wanted and enjoyed life to a degree.  I loved God and wanted to serve Him even though my life sucked and I had “enemies” all over it seemed.  Do not listen to the damn Devil tell you God is ripping you off.  One thing I DID have before all this was I was pretty sure I was Saved.  The Devil will lie and lie to get you to rebel and Backslide until even God gives up on you.

Later for awhile, I embraced Calvinism because I thought if I got saved back then I was still saved and if I was lost I had lost nothing.  Predestination seemed to work for me.  Now I don’t know. Hyper Calvinism is going around like the Christian Flu because it appeals to the egos of the believers that think they are the “elect”.  How does anyone know for sure?

Whatever the doctrine is, I feel a sense of loss in my life now.  I used to talk to God without fear and felt a sort of friendliness I don’t feel now.  God seems to have become deaf and blind to my plight.  For years, I have tried to “make it up” to HIm, but He is not buying.  Never listen to the Devil.

BTW the dear perps are threatening me and telling me not to post this.

My Shrink

My shrink (yes I was conned back into the psych game due to V2k and intense “demonic” attacks), was acting funny yesterday.

I only see her once every few months but this time she came and got me on time (never happens) and was all business, not even a smile or “hi”.  Her mood seemed so heavy at first I thought something was going down and I was gonna get hauled off somewhere.

Her questioning was pointed, acting like I was losing even basic life skills.  Then she tried to pitch me the antipsychotic drugs again…again!!!!!  I know probably half the “clients” she sees are probably ti’s or have been victimized by the system some way.  Very few people there at the center look or act crazy and that ones that are are probably the ones that are on the most DRUGS.

The first time I saw a shrink was in my teens and I was pitched antipsychotics at FIFTEEN even though I had no voices or hallucinations.  I became suicidally  depressed on the poison and that is how I ended up in the state hospital at SIXTEEN, and I think they wanted me for a long time or even forever.  That is when I ran and by a miracle was not made to go back even though my “head therapist” tried to con me into going back “inside”.  We even had a “final meeting” INSIDE THE UNIT.  I did not breathe until one of the “counselors” opened the gate to let my parents and I out.

Back to now…

I even recently made the comment that if I allowed them to drug me to the gills, make me gain 100 pounds, lose 30 IQ points, get diabetes, etc…they would probably find me a new place to live.  I am basically uncooperative with the drugs so they won’t do shit for me.  I did not tell the shrink that comment but made it to someone else.

I know these finks have the inside track to low income housing but refuse to help.  Also, there are several clients each time I go that are clearly homeless but still go get their pills.  They will literally give you them for free even if you sleep under a bridge.

I did a post on my old blog about forced drugging and maybe I should resurrect it.  The person I knew who was drugged got all kinds of goodies from the system except her freedom.  Her attitude was one of anger and disgust the last time I saw her. She was also a perp.

She tried to hurt me badly but she was/still is? a textbook case of how far the system would go to control someone.  Someone gets rich off our misery and the demoniacs get high off the negative emotions.  I really expected to see a cop inside her office when I went back.

It’s all over

For years, I have noticed God was at a distance from me.  I even heard I lost my salvation in 2010!  I’m still not sure if it’s the psychopath perps who were trying to set me up to go crazy or kill myself, or really God, but my evil landlady acted like it was GREAT!  She came up to the window that night and said “gotcha” with a smirk on her ugly face.

I tried to end backsliding and come back to God.  I did Bible studies online, fasted, prayed, etc…but still felt lost.  I was cruelly treated at a “Christian” coffeehouse even having some strange (perp?) woman say “you are soooo lost” out of the blue.  The people I tried to hang out with online who were Christians all ran away after a few months.

These past two years have been the worst.  Praying to God has been like praying to the wall.  I have an increasingly psychopathic and cruel landlady, that evil neighbor, accusations against me, people acting like I don’t even have a right to be outside, etc, etc, etc,…

So I thought I would test God, try God to see if He was still there.  I asked him to get my landlady away from me or to move out, get that horrible neighbor out of here, and also to save me or restore me, whatever the case.  I would plead every morning to be saved and to “not go to bed lost”.  I would go to bed lost.  Most importantly to me, I prayed from day one, that the person who caused the fire be found and arrested.  No dice.  I have lived for over a year in terror wondering every time I see a siren or see a cop since my twisted landlady started going around the neighbors and her friends accusing ME then telling them..”but I don’t call the cops”.  All the perp sheeple she told could have but didn’t.  They knew she was lying.

Now there has been another fire.  On my block.  There’s lots of fires around here.  The Dumpster closest to my apartment caught on fire a few years ago, a house two blocks away burned to the ground about 3 years ago, then the homeless shelter burned.  Now, an abandoned house at the end of MY block has burned.  There are lots of other fires that have burned in the area,  if you have an empty house around, it’s almost guaranteed to burn. The authorities should be looking for a serial arsonist but the cops seem to only be there to serve and protect their perp buddies.

God is absent.  I have been living lost so long I forgot what it was like to be saved.  I’m a “lifer” ti with no future.  I can’t even go places by myself for fear of getting assaulted.  I even won’t walk to the store 1/2 mile away!  My future will be even worse.  There is now a cell microwave tower outside my front door.  I felt overheated last night despite it being a cool night and the heat not being on.

Nothing works:  praying, fasting, singing, Bible study, etc…..I gave up following my band 6 1/2 years ago.  I gave up rock music. I am tired to death of Christian music.  Nothing is good enough.  No one will help me to move out of here.  I heard another “neighbor” doing directed conversation on the phone saying something was “going to happen”.  I was listening to his conversation about me and saw 2 cops ON HORSES outside and it looked as if I was spying.  One of the cops did the perp nose salute and made some comments like “it’s too bad, it’s a pity, etc…as they rode by.

I have nothing to look forward to.  Why should I just sit and rot and grow to be an old ti?  What a waste!  Should I let my tormentors continue to feed and house me for the next 20 or 30 years while I sit on my ass and do nothing but be miserable?  I’m sick of seeing my old ugly face in the mirror.

Don’t ever get God so mad He does not come back.

Something about yesterday’s podcast

Yesterday’s podcast of Pineconeutopia pointed out the fact that ti Millicent Black had a romantic relationship with her perp before her harassment and electronic torture started.

I had a “boyfriend” that I broke off with (the one with the dad at Lockheed Martin) right before I noticed things were odd.  I was an outcast my whole life but now the weird stuff was happening like getting pulled over by police 6 times in a month and discovering people watching me…that was only the beginning of course.

I rejected this man and instead of him begging me to stay with him or asking me why I wanted to break up, he cruelly said “all my friends hate you” and started ripping me apart in the restaurant we were at.  I wanted to leave town to essentially be a groupie.  I did not see why this breakup would be such a big deal to him since he treated me like a second class girlfriend.

When I begged to move in with him to get away from my parents (pre religion days) he said “no”.  When I expressed an interest in a band coming to town he took someone else.  He never bought me a nice gift.  I felt like I was a place holder until he could get a “real” girlfriend.  I guess he just thought he wanted to control me and that I was a second class citizen and HOW DARE I break up with him!

I considered this man physically unattractive and really didn’t want to go out with him in the first place but he seemed very nice and at ease at first.  His family acted nicely towards me and since he had friends I had lots of “friend in laws” to hang out with as well as my boyfriend on Saturday night.  We did become physically involved which was a mistake since he was secretly gay at the time and was fooling around with one of his gay friends who later (not much later actually) died of aids.

After we “broke up” he got married to another woman and then they got divorced and both came out as gay!  Later, I caught up with him working a temp job that I lost really fast (did he talk about me?) and he was living with a man twice his age.  What a waste of two years of my life.

Which brings up the question:  am I a generational ti or did this man do this to me as revenge? There also was another man I went out with that seemed unusually hostile to me when I ran into him years after the breakup.

Millicent Black is unusually lucky to know who her real stalker is.  This man, who underwent extensive military training on how to survive (and inflict?) torture turned her whole town and even her family against her  My family fell, too.

She has had terrible physical torture as well and has had surgeries.  She knew this man since childhood but was never close until they went out together.  My “boyfriend” was Jewish and just one year younger so I thought I could trust him.

Pineconeutopia #11 on Covert Warfare is very educational on how someone might get gangstalked.  Ti Ramola D. has Millicent’s history on her Web site as well.