F*****d

I have been having some money problems lately and also got my food stamps cut a couple of years ago and not replaced up to the level they were.  They are at the level I had in about 2005. Prices are up. According to calculations, to eat only on SNAP I’d have to eat $2.63 worth of food a day.  I never could make it.  I spend a lot of cash on food.  The cash runs out and the food runs out.  Cooking for hours in a non air conditioned apt for hours is not feasible since it heats things up for hours even more if you do. If it’s 85 in the apt do you want to cook a 2 hour dinner?

Eating “out” at fast food is about 10 to 12 bucks unless you order off the “dollar” menu or eat at Mickey D’s.  I went out with someone to a “nice” restaurant chain for lunch (because he paid) and the food cost a lot and both of us noticed that the meat seemed a bit old. Add to that a snarky waiter and it…sucked.  This food chain used to be so nice I would go there on my birthday..I would have enjoyed eating at Wendy’s more than eating beef I was not sure of!  The bill, which I saw this time, added up to half of what I get in a month!!!!!!!!

My “stamps” seem to pay for one week of food.  I’m eating too high on the hog.  According to a USDA web site in 2015 a woman my age should eat between 38 to 75 dollars a week depending on whether she ate “thrifty”, “low cost”, or “fancy”.  Here is an article that discusses food stamps.  It states that an average recipient should get enough SNAP credit to eat 4.00 worth of food a day.  That ain’t much.  I get at least a third less.  I USED to get what would give me 4 bucks a day’s worth, and, by buying in bulk at a membership store, I could last about 2.5 to 3 weeks on groceries from SNAP and a little cash.  Cash and eating at my former friend’s house plus her bringing her excess food made up the rest.

I’m gonna end up eating beans every day…..Wally World has seemed more expensive lately so I went to our main food store here in town and got more for my money but more perping as usual.  It seemed there was a perp in every aisle watching what I was getting and reporting on it.  I was also followed around like a thief.  I doubt I’ll be back.

At other food stores here I’ve been race baited/watched/abused and even banned from one store I do not miss so much except that it was convenient to public transportation.

I’m obviously not starving to death but I’m buying convenience food because it seems cheaper than buying the ingredients, plus they weigh more to lug around. I’m also depressed because my girlfriend (not that kind) no longer talks to me and I don’t want to spend lots of time on cooking to just eat it at the computer.

I should post the main points on my eating woes from 2009 on the old blog.  Back then, you could visit as many food banks as you needed to eat. Now they put you in a database and supposedly you can only eat out of one food bank.

My former friend had a great food bank to go to but I did not live in the area.  They gave you like at least 50 bucks of food a time including meat and milk and veggies!  They were rude and perpy to me whenever i went with her and had this woman always tell me to “go to hell” when I passed her.  This food bank was at a church!  The sign on a slab of sandstone at the door said that the “Gates of Hell would not prevail” there but they have!

I “ate out” at another restaurant myself earlier this month and it was just a hamburger lunch. 12 bucks for fast food.  Most Americans eat at least one meal out a day every day or have takeout/delivery.  I “eat out” about 5 times a month.

In the past, food was cheaper.  Hamburger was a buck a pound.  You could eat well for 30 or 40 bucks a week.  When I worked, I ate 1 to 2 meals out each day and ate at home plus snacks and TV “binges”.  I hardly ever ran out.  Now I do.  Restaurant meals were about 4 or 5 bucks.  The wages I got there are no different than the current minimum wage today.  I eat 2 meals a day usually and am guilty of liking “sweets” to calm my nerves.

The rich yuppie women who live around here are skeletal.  Do they save money or eat specialty food in tiny packages?  The working class neighbors weigh more but seem to “get pizza” delivered a lot.

Something smells in Denmark.  Put on your gasmasks if I end up eating more beans.

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ARE YOU A TI??? HERE ARE SOME SYMPTOMS OF GANGSTALKING.

What is going on?  You have been asking yourself this for months, even years…life is no longer good.

Have you been having trouble in your life lately?  Have you been bullied, marginalized, set up, slandered and generally treated horribly for some time now?  Does something seem odd about your life–not just the average trials of living?  You could be a targeted individual.  This is a revised version of a post I did in 2009 on the old blog.  There are many facets to this crime but they can be mainly separated into a few categories:

  • Organized Harassment
  • Electronic Harassment/Hands-off Torture
  • Mind Control
  • Spiritual Harassment

The nasty tricks these “perps” can use is limited only by their sick imaginations.  By a combination of street perps with handheld technology like smartphones and tablets, Directed Energy Weapons, Mind Reading Towers, The Hive Mind, Occult Curses, Spiritual Abuse and plain old bullying, the possibilities are endless.  Most targeted individuals aren’t aware of their condition and end up going the “mental health” route and get damaging psychiatric drugs while the Gangstalking and Torture continues.  That is not to say that some people may be mentally ill and having symptoms similar to the ones I will list, but if you feel you are basically functional, and especially if you had a “normal” life before the changes began, you may be a ti.  There are also targeted individuals that are actually mentally ill.  Mentally ill or physically disabled people make easier targets–a person could be “crazy” and still be a target.  I also think perps might like to go after people with high functioning Autism–people who seem normal in many ways but have lousy social skills.  I might be one of them.

These symptoms are only my opinion.  There are thousands of ti sites now.  Read a variety of them.

I.  Organized Stalking

  1. Do people seem rude or cold to you wherever you go?
  2. Are people nice at first then quit being friends?  Is it impossible to keep friends?
  3. Are you getting poor service by contractors and mechanics?  Are cars and trucks gunning their motors up and down your street, even speeding up alleys?  Are you hearing a lot of honking or EMS sirens?
  4. Is your car always breaking down?  Is your computer slow, full of viruses, or dying a premature death?
  5. Are you missing important mail?  Is your mail late?  Have you been penalized for late bills that were delivered late?  Is your mail ripped, stamped with boot marks or looking damaged regularly?  Is a little flap ripped off the top of your flap on the corner so someone can read a personal letter?
  6. Are people on the street regularly making odd gestures at you?  Are you getting “nose swipes”, people touching their hair, touching their bellies, etc…(look up Stasi Hand Signals).  Are you being ID’d by strangers to other strangers in public?  e.g….”that’s her” as they go by?
  7. Are people muttering insults as you go by or by your window?  Are perfect strangers giving you dirty looks on a regular basis?
  8. Are you losing friends and not making new ones?
  9. Are your new friends sort of weird and odd and seem to have an agenda?  Do they become very bossy and oppressive and inquisitive after a short while?
  10. Are you recently separated, divorced, or broken up with a significant other?
  11. Are you going to get some money in an inheritance?
  12. Do strangers act hateful, even threatening, around you?
  13. Do strangers try to start arguments with you in public places?  Has it ever escalated to a physical fight?  Have police been called?  Were the police automatically on the instigators side and NOT even willing to listen to you?
  14. Do drivers have their brights shining on you as you drive or walk at night?  Do cars park or position themselves to shine their lights in your window when at home or stationary, like at a bus stop?  Are you followed when driving despite many turns to lose your tail?  Do you get someone slow ahead of you in your lane especially on a two lane road and then get another driver on your tail essentially pinning you in?  Do you get it on 4 sides on the highway?  Do drivers pretend to jump out in front of you from side streets or drift towards you like they would side swipe you?
  15. Is your family acting strangely?  Are they treating you differently?  Are you being left out of family functions?  Do you feel marginalized by your family when you were important to them before?  Are you/have you always been the “black sheep” of your family on the other hand?
  16. Do co-workers you don’t like or your “ex’s” friends seem to just “show up” around town when you are out?
  17. Have you been pressed to see a psychiatrist when you make valid complaints about poor treatment?
  18. Is your boss unwilling to promote you?  Is your formerly friendly boss now suspicious of and “rides your ass” at work?  Are your hours getting cut e.g. in food service jobs?  Are your professors/teachers “grading you down” for work you have gotten a higher grade for in the past?  Do your teachers ignore your comments in class, and are rude to you out of class?
  19. Do you find odd paraphernalia left on the ground for you?  Is it usually a small coin such as a penny, nickel or dime?  Is it something that relates to your life?  Could it be perceived as a threat?  Does this happen a lot?
  20. Do people all seem to be wearing the same color clothing on certain days?  Are they wearing the color you are wearing?  Do you see cars of the same color around town on some days?  Do people wear a lot of red around you?
  21. Are you being persistently bullied at work and social activities?

This is the FIRST PART THAT WAS SAVED THE REST WAS ERASED INTO THIN AIR EVEN THOUGH IT IS SUPPOSED TO AUTO SAVE EVERY 20 SECONDS.

II.  Electronic Harassment.

  1. Are you getting sharp sting-like pains for no reason?  Do you suddenly get severe itching at night when you want to sleep?
  2. Do you get pains in the heart area without any signs of heart disease?  Do you have unexplained headaches that are not part of a physical condition?
  3. Do you have trouble sleeping?  Are you “jolted awake” just as you doze off?  Do you have nightmares on a regular basis?  On the other hand, do you sleep too much?
  4. Are you always tired after minor exertion?
  5. Have you had a sudden onset of a severe illness such as diabetes, cancer, MS, lupus where you were previously healthy and these conditions do NOT run in your family?
  6. Has your physical appearance seemed to deteriorate rapidly?  Are you prematurely aging?  Are you gaining weight quickly due to stress overeating?  Losing quickly due to extreme anxiety?
  7. Are you greying SLOWER THAN NORMAL?
  8. Do you have strange dreams with repetitive themes such as rejection?
  9. Do you have strange pain in certain areas of you body–especially at home and in certain rooms?  Have you felt the need to more your sleeping place due to lack of sleep?  Do you sleep better away from home?
  10. Do you have vertigo with no cause that lasts and lasts?
  11. Are you weaker on one side now?  Is there no explanation?
  12. Do you feel heart palpitations?/fast heartbeat?
  13. Do you catch constant “colds” or infections that run on for months and only go away as summer comes?
  14. Do you have little “accidents” at home and away?  Do you fall while walking for no reason–feeling like you were tripped or pushed down?  Do you bump into things and have lots of bruises?  Do you cut yourself accidentally and there is no PHYSICAL CAUSE FOR ANY OF THESE THINGS?
  15. Do you have dental problems where your teeth were healthy before?
  16. Do you get sexually stimulated at odd and inappropriate times and are made to feel guilty and dirty?
  17. Do you get feeling “heated up” or cooked when you think the “wrong thing” or are emotionally incited?  Do you wake up drenched with sweat at night every hour or so?

OK HERE IS PART II.

III.  Mind Control

  1. Have you started to hear “voices” that emanate inside your head, from the wall, from an appliance with a motor running like a refrigerator, fan, or heater?  Does no one else hear them.  Do they sound like people you know as in co workers, family or even friends?
  2. Have you been having intrusive thoughts, usually negative, at just the wrong time?  If you do, you will know what I mean.
  3. Are weird coincidences happening in your life where it seems you are prophetic, as in dreams, or opinions that are strange that turn out to be right?  Do you see odd combinations of numbers popping up on license plates or even the clock as you look at it?  They can be repetitive numbers usually “666” or “333” or “999” or “111”.  They can also represent dates like birth dates or death dates or other important dates like anniversaries especially if you are estranged from the person.
  4. Do you see “visions” with your eyes closed that are disturbing and negative?  Have you seen “visions” with your eyes open?
  5. Do you seem to “haunted” by dead friends, relatives, co workers, etc..in public by lookalike actors?  Do they act negative towards you? Some people even see lookalikes of dead celebrities and politicians….haven’t seen Nixon yet!
  6. Do you have  trouble concentrating on things that were easy before?
  7. Do you have some memory loss/forgetting words/forgetting names/appointments etc…at times?
  8. Are you having trouble grasping difficult concepts you were able to learn before?  Are you having trouble concentrating on any in-depth reading (such as philosophy or theology or science) that you enjoyed before?
  9. Are you suddenly clumsy in public and bump into people and things and knock them over?  Is your balance or spatial cognizance off?  Do your feel social ineptness you didn’t have before, or overcame?
  10. Have you experienced FORCED SPEECH either muttered or spoken aloud that are inappropriate or disturbing in public or even in private with windows open and a perp outside?
  11. Do you have trouble speaking fluently?  Do you stammer when you didn’t before?  Do you scramble words in a sentence?  Do you speak “word salad” at times?  Do you sound like an uneducated rube in public but sound much better on “paper”?
  12. Do you feel your mind is being read and is confirmed by a reaction when you “think something” to someone?  Do you have “conversations” with the Voice to Skull?
  13. Does Voice to Skull badger you and torment you all day with threats and ridicule?

OK HERE’S PART THREE

IV.  Spiritual–the part they want me to leave out.

  1. Do you feel farther from God?  Cold towards God?
  2. Do you hear voices telling you they are God and you are going to Hell?
  3. Are bad things happening to you all the time?
  4. Do you feel a sense of oppression or bondage in your life?
  5. Do you feel cursed?  Is a blessing sent into your life and reversed?
  6. Have witches or other occultists taken up residence around you or gotten hired at your job?  Do previously religious friends seem to be “falling away” from their previous devotion to their religion?
  7. Do you feel your prayers are blocked?
  8. Do you feel God has turned His Back?  Have you been told you have demons?
  9. Do you no longer feel happiness or joy?  Do you rarely laugh?  Is the laugh shallow and stops soon?
  10. Do you get panic/anxiety attacks upon awakening?  All the time?  When you do something the perps don’t want you to do?
  11. Are you falling away from your own religion?
  12. Is it HARD TO PRAY, praise, or contact God in any way?

These are just some of the symptoms of targeting.  Almost all mimic physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual trouble.  Sometimes the things you feel are real symptoms of real disorders, so see a doctor or religious leader if in doubt.

If you “have” most or a whole lot of these symptoms happening in your life at the same time or over a period of time you may be targeted!

To My Sister–MY ESTRANGED SISTER

We have not talked in almost 10 years.  I still don’t know why you are so angry with me.  I begged forgiveness and a reconciliation back in 2002 and you said it would “take time”.  I guess that means forever.  You sent me a letter last year but began it with a lie, saying, you had no other way to get ahold of me when I tried to call many times only to be told by your husband you could not come to the phone.

I called after the Tornadoes and had a brief very chilly conversation with my oldest nephew.  After that I gave up the calling.  You have never tried to email me or call or anything.

I realize our parents tried to drive us apart when we were young because they thought I would drag you down.  They are gone now.

The religious issues are bunk because no one cared whether I got a religious education or not–even as late as the early 1990s.  Would you have me sit as an atheist?  You said you did not care if I changed religions.

In your carefully crafted letter to me you described Dad’s condition, spoke of your pets, but nothing of you or your family.  I felt so left out.  I did go visit the gravesite a few weeks later finally.  I do not think I would have liked to have been at the funeral since you invited your friends that hate me.  Even the graveyard staff were abusive when I took a long bus ride to visit.

The religion thing is bunk.  You invited our cousin to my nephew’s Bar Mitzvah and she was married to a MUSLIM.  You also invited your FRIENDS.  Never your sister.  Holidays and birthdays go by without even a card.  I refuse to call again and get your husband or one of my nephews saying “she is taking a nap” or some other crap.

That puny 4 days I got to spend with you years ago is long past.

Is this going to be forever?  I don’t have other sisters, or other family.  Our cousin lives only a mile away but never calls.  I saw another of our cousins during a cooking class and she treated me like a virtual stranger.  I have once seen another one of our cousins seemingly stalking me as I took a walk.

There may be very good reasons why you don’t want to contact me.  Maybe you are threatened with targeting if you do.  Maybe you just can’t stand to be around me anymore.  I have no idea.  Maybe my poverty or body size repels you.

I will be having a big birthday soon.  I don’t want to grow old not talking to you.

Whatever I have done to you I am sorry.  Even if it’s from childhood.

Love,

Your Sister

This tried to post to another site…again. Adult Autistitics

I think autistics are considered a threat to society because they we? think differently.  I’ve received a bunch of bogus dx’s but I’m sure I”m Autistic or Asperger’s.  I had a sort of normal outside, was good in school, had horrible social skills, and always had to be obesessed with something. I also was somewhat plain in appearance after my teens/early 20s when the “boys” did not come to ask me to marry.  I think my mother knew I was Autistic but hid it from me, she kept saying how “beautiful” Autistic children were for some reason.  She let the Dr.’s diagnose me with all sorts of fake labels and after she died the labels became worse.

Adult Autism is ugly.  Unless you have a support system that works of course.  Another lonely Autistic is Melissa Fields.  She is a bit older than me, while Polly is a bit younger.  They have benefits, very limited social lives and suffer from bullying.  Melissa is worse off.  She lives in a house of her own but has gotten so fat she cannot drive even though she has a car.  She has been pleading for years on You Tube for help and has not got any.  Polly gets supportive messages, maybe because she is more physically attractive, but, Melissa has turned her comments off.

Both women have bad to no relations with their families.  Family that was around when they were young have shut them out.

I have the same problem.

Both have slowed/quit posting after years of very sad videos.  I cheated and “looked ahead” to Melissa’s last vid where everything looks the same except she has a new couch, haircolor, and more pounds.  At least both have friends online.  I met a fellow “ti” that ruined my reputation online so even the comfort of other ti’s has been denied me.  The one ti I talked to recently, Neverending1, (not the slanderer), has disappeared.

I used to post back and forth on message boards until I was bullied or ignored.  I used to have a few “regulars” on the old blog but they did not come back.  My former friend here is not coming back, I believe.  It’s all over but the screaming.  Even my relationship with God is shot.

Look at the many vids of these two women (there are other people as well) and see how it is to be targeted without knowing it.  Not that knowing it made it any better–it just avoided a lockup and forced drugs, so far.

PS Another vlogger named “Boogie” seems to have gone a few months ago as well.  I followed him for a few months years ago.  Are people disappearing?  Just giving up?

Not doing so well.

I”m not doing so well.  I’m surrounded by bullies and perps and denied my only friend besides my cat.  I am afraid to exercise because I’m afraid of being jumped.  I’m stuffing my anger and anxiety down with lots of food and am blowing up.  This place is so evil.  Every apt. I would get would be perp city.  I wish I could hide in the woods in a cabin that would not be very easily accessible.  I would need a 4 wheel drive for that, though.

I just can’t stop eating.  I’m sleeping like 10-11 hours a day.  This has to end.  I still feel as if the evil ones are racing me to my birthday so I won’t make it.

The You Tube poster Polly feels a lot like I do most of the time.  Unloved, unwanted, ignored except for abuse…just a nothing.  Sometimes I really am sorry I took benefits.  Too bad the greedmeisters in this country did not see fit to provide all jobs with health benefits.  I got lots of on the job harassment–even at volunteer jobs–but it gave life a little meaning.

This Woman Polly, on You Tube is probably a ti

She is having a horrible time in her life.  She also has MI.  She discusses people who stalk her and bullying and cruel family members.  It all sounds familiar.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCsJK8DgHI1QMgpECXV_N01Q

If anyone could support her it would be great.

She talks about being oppressed and dominated and living a life of isolation and control.

This accidentally or on perpose posted on another site……your “selection” is coming up republicat/demmican

Do I hear right or is Donald Trump the leading Repub candidate?  It looks as if the conservatoids are putting up another Clown Prince to win the Repub Nomination so the Politically Correct yet Cruel and Unusual New Dems can continue to run our lives.  The first Clown Prince was McCain who was over 70 and had had cancer 3 times and an alien looking wife.  The second was that Mormon Mitt Romney (who was gonna elect a Mormon?) and now we have this rich man with a hootchie cootchie wife who has no political experience who ran a reality show and was too ashamed to crown Miss Universe this year. Is Trump in Real Estate?

I don’t usually watch pageants but I was bored and it was free, so I watched it.  Those girls were so thin during the swimsuit competition that their stomachs curved in and the musculature on their stick arms was apparent. The dresses were so revealing it was embarrassing.  Since my state did not even make the top 15 I decided to watch the pre pageant show.  I was watching and the host of that show “flashed the horns” to the judges meaning he’s in the devil club.  I turned it off.  Any winner of the competition will be ground up like hamburger in the satan system.  Obey or be taken down.  A certain ti pastor I’m not allowed to listen to says you have to be one of the devil’s own to even sit at Mickey D’s without harassment.  What an ugly world. The old presidential “horse and pony show” will come out as the elite predict…What an evil generation. At least 100 or more years ago you could escape into nature to get away from the system.

1985–Navel Gazing Back to the Future

Yesterday, I ran into someone I have known for years–or did know.  “Jacob” was the director at a residential program my then-therapist recommended me to after my parents wanted rid of me–again.  It was a residential treatment center for people with mental illness looking for a way to live independently. I saw him in the lobby yesterday after going down the stairs at the mental health center.  He has hardly changed.  He was still tall and slim and had long hair and a beard.  True, his hair was white and he wore glasses, but you would know him anywhere.  His clothes were a bit more “business” than when I knew him 30 years ago, but they were still trendy–“young”. I was shocked he still worked at the mental health center.  After he left the directorship of the “house” in the 1990’s, he worked as a clinician (talk therapist) at the mental health center’s East office where I went to attend therapy after an ER visit due to an especially perpy day.  I was there 7 years, left for 10 and am back now for over 2. Now he’s an Executive of the Mental Health Center. The Center has grown very large.  They were pretty much a startup when I first went there in 1990.  Since I have been a part of “mental health” services since the early 1980s I remember there were a few more private hospitals in town but I don’t know if there was a Center like the one I go to.  I’m thinking Health and Hospitals took on outpatients as well as private therapists who took Medicare/Medicaid.  The place where I have stayed twice was open in 1976 and there had to have been mental health services before then. The City still has a separate mental health program but its conducted in an old smelly building that used to be the main mental hospital.  You can still  see the bathtubs in the restrooms upstairs.  You can feel the “ghosts” of patients past in there. “Jacob” is now a big shot, but still an “old hippie”.  He sort of stood out in the preppy 1980s.  After a short interview I was invited for “dinner at the house”.  It was July 18, 1985.  It was a warm, dry day.  I had gotten there early.  Dinner was at 6:30 back then.  I thought it was sort of late because we ate at 6 every night at home.  I remember sitting in the shade of a huge, old elm tree and listening to the cicadas sing and asking myself why my therapist of 3 years and my mother wanted me there.  I was not dangerous or out of the hospital or did drugs. I was currently dropped out of college because of low grades and lack of interest.  I had a job working the overnight shift at a gas station/convenience store.  I was the one who sat in the little hut and collected the money.  It was a busy street full of nightclubs and I’d get some rude and drunk customers. I drove myself to the huge red brick building that used to be a convent in my old Plymouth Fury III with the AM radio and no A/C.  The transmission sucked, too.  I was 19. I went inside just before dinner started and got the customary greeting:  “why don’t you go into the kitchen and see if the cook needs help?”  The cook didn’t.  Dinner was announced with a huge chuck-wagon triangle. We sat down for dinner.  The dinner was my community interview.  People would ask you questions about yourself, your “illness”, what you intended to do when you were there, and your long term goals.  You either had to work or go to school and had to see a therapist.  I remember feeling scared of Jacob because he was so big.  I felt judged and thought for sure I would not get in.  End of story. II. I was called the next day.  I had gotten in.  I was to move into the house in 2 days.  I would pay 63 bucks a week for rent and 6 dinners a week.  (I told you I was old).  You could also nab leftovers and government “commodities” for lunch if you were home at midday.  Breakfast food was bought by residents and stored in cupboards.  You would get a section of a cupboard for your cereal, etc… I was making 130 bucks a week after taxes so it would work.  A “buffet” apartment where I lived in the 1990s now goes for 1050.00!  I paid 265.00 when I lived there with utilities covered.  The rent at the community is still pretty low considering the rents in the city since they have to cater to people on benefits, mostly.  Toilet paper and linens were provided but not anything else like toothpaste, soap, cosmetics, etc….. I lived in a “shared” bedroom because it was cheaper.  I think the singles were 80 a week or so or even a little more.  I lived in room 3 I think.  The rooms were nun’s cells before, so the singles were tiny, but the doubles were larger but without a sink.  I remember there being some kind of destroyed nasty shag type carpetting and no screen on the window which was common in this area back then before climate change provided more summer bugs. My roommate didn’t seem to like me.  She was up in her 30’s and had a good job.  She was a substance abuser, so up on the house’s social scale.  She was haughty and cold and got really angry at me when I looked through her record collection.  I should not have but didn’t have many social skills after my isolated childhood and wild adolescence.  She was always laughing and flirty with everyone but me.  I saw social disaster for me.  Her eyes were always red but she swore she was sober. We lived next door to the tub bathroom and down the hall from the smoking room.  When I was first there, there was a tornado warning and I remember sitting on my bed and looking out the window at the pouring rain and hearing the sirens.  It was hot up there but summer was already almost over once I was settled so I didn’t suffer that much.  There were no fans. I kept going to my gas station job from 10pm-6am across town then tried to sleep at the “house” during the day.  It was very stressful.  The “house” was noisy during the day and I only got a few hours of sleep.  In September, I transferred to another location nearer the house and got to switch to day shift.  I even got an engraved name tag instead of one put on with Avery sticky tape. At first I didn’t fit in, and and I did not think I would last very long.  First of all, I was the youngest there, and my problems did not seem as severe as the other residents at the time.  Turns out they probably would have seemed more normal if they weren’t on huge doses of “old generation” neuroleptics.  Jacob, who seemed to take a liking to me, said I was “high functioning”.  A high functioning WHAT?  My dx has changed a million times, getting “worse” each time!  I do not believe my dx.  I think I am and always was Asperger’s, which is mild autism.  I also grew up in a cold home and did not know how to give or receive love.  Thank God for my Grandma who did show love! The people at the house that were at the top of the pecking order were the substance abusers and people with eating disorders.  People with mental illness were underneath.  The substance abusers tended to be younger and less drugged than than the mentally ill people as well.  Later, two 18 years olds moved in after I turned 20, so my time as the “baby” was short. After a month or so, people started talking to me, and my “roomie” had left the house over some rule infraction.  I almost always had the room to myself after that.  I’d get roomies off and on but they’d spend the night away from the house, etc…it was sort of weird.  I got sort of an extra large single room. Soon, I made a friend of a new arrival. She was the divorced wife of a local DJ and had depression.  She was so depressed she was made to get ECT which fried her short term memory.  She had also lost custody of her sons.  She accepted me immediately.  She was in her early 30s and was sort of a big sister to me.  She went out and bought a little coffeepot and we’d have coffee in her room Number 2 every morning. We would go out with others to a local bar where I did a little underage drinking and later some legal drinking.  I also made friends with a young man from England who was tall and dark with blue eyes and loved “new wave” music.  (what’s that Grandma?) We went on trips to the ice cream parlor with staff.  I made friends with the two staff members, also.  The lady staffer, C, had ridden into this city on a HORSE when she came here to live!  The male staffer was kind to me sort of like an older brother.  I remember going to the movies with him and he may have been the one who let me ride with him on his motorcycle!  Staffers were usually Divinity students getting internships working with us. There was one young man who was always “coming onto” me, and there was another guy who hated me but he seemed to be the only one.  For the first time in my life I felt “accepted”.  Between the social activities at the house, my then-“boyfriend”, my job, pen pals, and my family I really felt I had a life.  I was always on the go. It was too bad Ms. Coffee turned into a perp later. I got 40 hours a week at work and regular days off at the new location.  They even gave me hours for “watching the store” during remodeling.  Strange, my boss gave me a copy of Animal Farm to read while I watched the store.  Did he “know”? One of my little rituals was to eat the breakfast buffet at Big Boy on Saturday morning, one of my days off.  I also remember putting 10 bucks of gas in the car on Friday night after I got off work.  I think work even cashed our checks.  I was so proud of myself–3 years before I was locked up in a psych ward and now I was living away from my parents, working, had my car with me, had some friends, and felt good for the first time in my life. I tried Clove cigarettes (terrible for your lungs) at the little coffeehouse, got high in the park with another resident and went back to the house and lay on my bed in fear that Jacob would come in and know I was high!!! There were mostly special and some not-so-special memories from the house.  There was a woman I met who had anorexia and we found a sick bird.  She knew a woman who did bird rehab and we sent the bird to her across town.  The bird woman had a huge Checker car called the Bird Ambulance.  I got to go to a fancy dress dinner in Spring ’86 in a borrowed dress.  I bought fancy stockings, shoes, and earrings.  The female staffer made me up.  The featured celebrity there complimented my looks! Another time, I went in Ms. Coffee’s car into the hills to a remote bar.  We were coming home and Ms. Coffee was drunk? and the man who always wanted to get it on with me had to drive.  It was 2 or 3 am when we got back to town.  He was a smartass and would try and go thru the synchronized lights just as they turned green.  At one intersection, another car was running a red and smashed into us.  A window blew out and the car was totalled but no one was really hurt, just bruises.  I remember the day Challenger blew up–I was trying to get food stamps.  It was in February ’86. In December ’85 a bunch of us went into the hills and cut down a Christmas tree.  I remember being so happy helping to decorate it!  I went crazy with my new independence!  I dyed my hair blue!!  It lasted a week.  The customers at work were angry with it.  Now, it’s common. I did it when it was risque.  Ms. Coffee and a group of us went to Easter Sunrise Services outside–I had always wanted to do it and I did!  I also went camping with a few other residents and went on a rafting trip (my only one) in 1987. Cooking dinner, especially on Sunday, was an adventure.  You had to be “cook” once every two weeks.  You had to plan your meal, keep it within the draconian budget, cook it, set the table, serve it, then CLEAN UP.  It was here I discovered I liked to cook.  Cooking on Sunday could go for hours, especially if you had to finish cleaning up after Sunday Meeting. Jacob seemed to take an interest in me.  There was a diner a block away and we’d go for a One Dollar Breakfast (2 eggs, toast, home fries), fifty cent coffee (take that, Starbucks!) and sometimes a Dollar slice of Baklava.  He acted like he wanted me to succeed in life.  I felt like I was sort of in his “inner circle” of residents and ex-residents that he liked. Another resident that Jacob liked was a serious young man who had had to drop out of Oral Roberts University.  This guy asked me out but he was too sick at the time and when I met him later he was better and he wasn’t interested in me anymore.  I was attracted to the cute dark English guy with the blue eyes and freckles anyway.  He would share his Walkman and we would go on walks.  I think they had Walkman players with plugs for 2 sets of earplugs then.  He would tease and tickle me.  He even tried to kiss me.  I would’ve gone with him but he was bi and AIDS was a big threat then.  He had a tragic end about a year after I left the house.  I used to visit his memorial when I lived closer to it and talk to him. There was the fun day when the volunteers arrived and we all helped to paint the house!  I kept my old U2 t-shirt with peach colored paint on it for years since it became a memory of better times in my increasingly dark life. I spent a lot of time in Jacob’s office.  We “just talked” and he did not mind.  He almost felt like an uncle to me or a much older brother.  On Sunday night we had a “spiritual” group that was very faintly Christian and Jacob would wear jeans and my feelings (and other girls) were far from filial then.  He was married though and I met his pretty wife at the Christmas Party. My best memory was when the staff and residents surprised me with cake and ice cream on my 20th birthday!  I had not had a Birthday Party since age 10 and that is when all the other girls turned on me at my own party–how sweet! so this little party was great.  People seemed genuinely happy I would celebrate my milestone birthday there.  Finally out of my teens!  I have not had a birthday party since. Soon I will be 50 and since I am targeted I’m sure there will be NO PARTY.  I did not know that in 1985-1986 I was living in paradise and the hell of targeting would soon steal all my joy bit by agonizing bit. II Like all good things, my house stay came to an end.  I had quit my gas station job in March ’86 then I got an on-call job at a shoe store stocking shoes that didn’t pay enough to stay at the house.  I had to leave without my dream of moving into one of the transitional “satellite” apartments nearby.  They rented for about 300. I moved “home” in June, 1986.  I went to Florida to become a professional groupie but came back in only 5 weeks since I was only getting paid what I was getting back home but my room was 88.00 a week without food.  I went back to school in early 1987, graduated in late 1988 and did not find permanent work. By 1989 it was bad at home.  I still hadn’t found work beyond “temping” and my mother and I were at each others throats.  My sister was still in college and I was on the outs with my Grandma by late 1989 since she started taking my parents side on everything instead of being my advocate.  My father had had bypass in the Spring, my Aunt had been incapacitated by an ill-advised surgery, and I had become a TARGET and did not know it.  I lost both my Grandma and Aunt the next year. My mother booted me out of the house just before Christmas in 1989, giving me some money my Grandma had gifted me with at birth.  It wasn’t much, but at least she didn’t just boot me onto the street.  Since I had never looked for an apartment before, I ended up back at the HOUSE again.  This second time it was not as pleasant, however.  Jacob was still there then, and I was welcomed back, but it was DIFFERENT now.  First of all, I was not the “youngest” anymore.  I was not a cute little teen all bubbly with youth and energy.  Also, Jacob seemed different. He said to me, “boy, have you grown up,” like it was disappointing.  Was I to remain a child forever like Peter Pan?  Life had gotten rough and so had I.  I had a single room this time and it was 465.00 a month.  I paid monthly this time since I had money starting out, plus my “graduation gift” was a 1st month’s rent at my 1st apartment, so this was “it”. The first room, Number 15, was tiny and right off the library smoking room.  Later, I moved to room “1” across a men’s double that was very noisy since they played fantasy baseball and their printer was always running.  It was also over the steep kitchen stairs that a lot of old homes have:  sort of like servant stairs, so I’d get foot traffic going up the stairs.  “2” was the room where Ms. Coffee had stayed. The second friend I made at the “house” I met the day I came to dinner.  She was in a crisis over dinner being done on time and here I was to save the day.  And so it went.  We were friends for years. The “house” was different, somehow.  The atmosphere was more hostile.  There were a group of residents and a few hangers on that “ruled” the house” and they held court in the “library”.  They were like the adult version of the Mean Girls or something.  They harassed a man out of the house when I was there and probably were relishing the thought of his destruction but he just moved on and was fine.  I tried to ingratiate myself with these bullies but they hated my new friend so I ended up loathing them.  By that time in history, society was becoming more cruel and perpy.  A man that came to dinner said he had a breakdown after seeing the movie “Heathers” which I thought was so weak of him since I only thought the movie was about bullying…I looked it up last night and the movie has murder and violence in it…and kind of “predicts” as The Powers That Be often do the school shootings that would start 10 years later. There was a victim of SRA that had become a Christian but still had MPD.  She could switch to one of her child personalities on a dime.  That was almost a deal breaker for me.  The worst people from before were schizophrenics.  Two of the men were Vietnam Vets, one of them physically disabled.  The other was married to one of my old counselors from the hospital where I stayed at 16.  They had a suicide plot and one bailed and the other survived but their friendship was OVER.  Another man would DIE during his stay there because he had a heart attack and could not get treatment without insurance.  I’m surprised he wasn’t taken to the city hospital where they treated indigents.  Instead, the hospital down the street sent him home and he died.  He was 55.  He started a “baking club” at the house where residents would get together and bake one night a week or so.  There was always junk to eat in the house after that.  I met a woman with horrible SI scars and horrific art that she drew depicting a rape.  A man jumped out of a second story window and broke his ankles.  The house was a dark place now. I only had a PT temp job this time.  Because I had that extra money I went out and splurged on highlights for my hair for a then absurd 80 bucks.  I went to Wal Mart and got some sheets for my bed instead of using the old sheets the house provided.  I noticed people were acting oddly to me sometimes…inside and outside the house.  The targeting had started in late 87 but it seemed to get worse overnight when I moved out.  Weird old women laughed at me when I walked down the street.  There was this woman I hated there who only stayed a short while but kept on popping back up in my life. A person called me at the house but when I got to the phone no one was there.  I had to go to the mental health center because I no longer saw my private therapist.  They put me on drugs that had side effects. I lost my temp job and tried to stay on at the house doing janitorial but could not keep up with the rent after my Grandma’s money ran out.  Sunday meetings were a hoot when it was decided that there would be a “chore committee” that would “grade” people’s chores.  The people on the committee were of course the house bullies.  They would give themselves 10 on their chores and give others 4, 5, or 6.  It was like the bullshit orchestra tryouts in high school when the conductor let the kids determine section seating. I was at the house all day in the basement since a heat wave hit.  Nasty talk shows played all day that showed audience members ganging up on guests they didn’t like.  Proto-stalkers???  Sally Jesse Raphael, Gerado Rivera, Cathy Jones???, etc….that and all the “judge” shows.  The heat was horrible upstairs.  We were getting a 100 degree spell which used to be very rare.  I had a west facing window.  The June sun set late and the city heat island kept things hot all night.  The temp in my room was about 95-100 at night and down to about 86 in the morning.  They provided no fans.  A woman resident with a fan was able to reduce her room temp.  I can reduce the inside temp to about 76 in the morning with a huge fan during a heat wave but it will go up during the day–but not to 100!!!  I felt ill with the drug side effects and the heat.  Another woman resident got smart and set up a hammock in the back yard. I decided to go downstairs to sleep in the cooler “chapel” but someone was already there and he made me leave.  The room was huge.  He yelled at me and said I reminded him of his MOTHER.  OOOOOH.  What a perpy insulting thing to say.  I had to go back upstairs and burn.  I started feeling ill.  I finally just gave up and moved home, owing the “house” money for rent. I wonder really what the “house” had to do with my life.  Were they setting me up for stigmatization as a “nut” later?  My 2 stays propelled me towards independence since we had to learn to cook fast, do chores, pay rent, shop, etc…, yet, somehow, I was being funneled into the trash can of society.  Were they setting me up for stigmatization as a “chronic nut” for life?  Was I to live in the wasteland of the Severely Mentally Ill with the loss of dreams and the acceptance of “lower expectations”? I found out later at a “clubhouse” for mental “consumers” that the staff at the clubhouse was not using it as a place for people on benefits to get away from home and isolation, but, as a job factory to funnel people on benefits into low paying jobs which got people off benefits and steered them to dead end jobs that are self defeating since you lose medical benefits and end up losing the job and going on the street and applying for benes all over again…but now, you are worn out and ill and willing to be more COMPLIANT to overdrugging or whatever they have on the agenda for you.  There were a few favorites that got good jobs at the clubhouse that seemed to function normally but that was tokenism.  I think the clubhouse was destructive.  I had a degree and at least wanted a job that had some responsibility:  I did not want to be a file clerk or work for Burger King.  This job scam is a subject for another post!  I think people who are on benefits should be able to work but should be able to keep benefits unless they are truly better and can continue on their own.  A LOT OF PEOPLE TOOK JOBS AND ABANDONED THE BENEFITS BECAUSE THEY WERE ASSIGNED PAYEES THAT DID NOT LET THEM HAVE ANY MONEY–EVEN FOR GROCERIES.  They gave these poor souls “gift cards” for the store.  One such person left benes and went to work and then lost her job and came back a year later, looking 10 years older and dragging an oxygen tank. I could go on about forced drugging but I covered it on my old blog that cannot be resurrected.  Sometimes it’s needed, but not at the extent they do it.  Forced drugging with neuroleptics (antipsychotics) is legally sanctioned torture due to the akesthesia symptoms that are a side effect.  I have tried 6 different ones and they all had the same depression/anxiety effect on me.  My Dr. wants to try me on a seventh. Essentially, I was able to live w/o “meds” for over a decade, but, targeting, witchcraft aimed at me, and God knows what else drove me back to the Docs.  Targeting took away my dreams of overcoming my bad childhood and adolescence.  I stayed poor year after year after year until I just wore out and went on benes–then I had no life at all!  I thought God had a plan for my life but satan and his helpers stole it, for the devil comes to kill, steal and destroy. Again, I wonder if my first stay at the “house” in 1985 was a setup..  I was sort of “lovebombed” there as a youth and it was a way for them to make me think I was on of the Seriously Mentally Ill.  I sort of started to think of myself in those terms–someone who is “chronic”,  E.G., SOMEONE WHO WILL NOT BE “BETTER” WITHOUT DRUGS.  A career nut.  I even “tried” for benes as early as 1986 but got turned down because the doc who saw me thought I “just had to get away from my parents.”  He was partially right.  I would have made it if not for targeting. I was jealous of another young woman who did not have to earn her bread since she had benes, yet, she was not on psych drugs, or seeing a therapist, or going to a clubhouse or anything.  She was free as a bird.  She got around her town on a bike.  She lived in squalor, though.  I was suffering at the time working a nasty temp job and only having about 30 bucks over my rent for food a week and maybe 10 for anything else.  That was a 40 hour job with a long bus ride and the bus was a dollar each way and took that 10 a week. I struggled to work until mid 1999.  I was 33.  I did a variety of temp jobs, food service jobs, day labor, and one “real” office job that lasted only 2 years.  My last job was Mickey D’s, which is in another post.  I finally threw in the towel and took the “checks”.  I’m not a bad worker.  I’m not fast, but I work consistently and like to be accurate in the office and produce good food in the kitchen.  I also was accurate at the “till” usually being within a dollar.  I rarely called in sick, and only when I was really ill.  I was getting “fired” so much that I had NOTHING to show on a resume.  What I got “paid” for these often physically exhausting jobs, was no more than benefits.  NO health insurance.  One job kept me on a yearly average just ONE HOUR UNDER what I would need to qualify for the HMO.  Shysters.  At the end of my working life, I felt often ill, colds dragging on for months, always scared about being fired every day I came in, and even scared about my next meal at times when my tiny check ran out a week before the next payday.  I lost my apartment in 1999 and I found myself living in “community” again–at a shelter.  Oh well, at least I had experience. PS Just saw some fundraising videos about my old community.  They did a major remodel a few years back.  The place was really dirty and run-down and trashy when I was there.  It’s now Posh Palace.  The resident testimonials were sooo great.  It cannot be that great, but, that is what keeps money coming.  The community DID have its success stories–people who returned to full work in “society”, but for the most part people moved into apts, but on benefits.  There were a lot more people who used the place as a revolving door back in my time, but now there are time requirements.  It seems more structured with more groups now.  Back then, we were pretty much on our own.  We were expected to attend a few dinners a week, Sunday Meetings, and “cook planning” meetings.  You could also go to a meeting on basic money management and have a “one-on-one” with an under-staffer, or Resident Coordinator. Overall, the “house” was good and bad.  I had some of the best times of my life there, but I came to see myself as “ill”.  I still see Ms. Coffee on the bus every once in awhile.  She just perps me.  I’ve seen a few others from the “house” off an on over the years but not many.  I saw a “success story” that had an apt and a job that I knew from the second time give me a dirty look on the bus years ago.  Ahhhh, targeting…. I guess the “house” was the best it was ever gonna be.

False Conversion

I have been reading Charles Spurgeon’s Sermons and I have determined I had a “false conversion” way back 20 years ago.  I don’t show the evidence of Salvation nor any Fruits of Salvation.  I can’t get the Lord to listen to me and have become angry with Him.  Looking back, it seemed I had sort of a changed heart the first year of going to church but nothing remained after awhile.  I don’t have an indwelling Holy Spirit nor do I hear the Voice of God, just the Voice to Skull.  When I wanted to be Saved I only got a sample not Salvation.  Guess I was not predestined for it.  I don’t feel it deep in my soul when I try to repent.  What a waste of years.  If God was not gonna save me why did He let me make myself miserable with all the rules, etc..when at least I could have tried to have a good time?  I feel scammed, but God knows best.  “Easy Believism” by merely saying a prayer to Jesus to accept Him in your heart is not good enough.  The repentance and Godly sorrow for the past had to be there as well as feeling Jesus and the Holy Spirit coming into me, which I did not feel.  I kept “running up the rail” after services for prayer and kept saying the Sinner’s Prayer over and over to no avail.  Once, I felt something moving inside of me but then someone moved upstairs and the moment was over.

I think this “Christian” thing was an op to get me to be “controlled” in my behavior via my PARENTS who wanted me “under control” after they died and/or STOPPED TALKING TO me.  It’s all plastic shit.  I’ve never felt any Assurance…as a matter of fact I heard a voice telling me that “I will NEVER show you My Assurance” last year just before my “friend” stopped talking to me YET AGAIN.

A few weeks ago I woke up and heard in my head HOLY SPIRIT GRIEVED…just like that no proper grammar.

2 nights ago, I decided to get down on the floor and really pray for a resolution to this matter of my friend leaving me alone.  I lay down for 2 hours even though I got an angry call designed to distract me.  I lay right back down and continued and added 10 minutes.  Do you know what I heard????  A voice told me “if you fasted 40 days I would not answer you”.  That was my ANSWER.  I am not saved.  I have wasted 20 years of my life following RULES RULES RULES or feeling GUILT and being “told” dozens of times a day “I will leave you”, or, the perps saying “we will imprison you in your apt” all damn day long on top of the mind reading, skits, and other Voice to Skull.  Nothing but control, control and more control.  It was a ruse, a setup, that’s it.  Also a convenient way for my “family fake” to stop talking to me because I “became Christian”.  It was all a lie.  People who are really saved know it.