If one experience or life change results from you writing your blog, what would you like it to be?
I wrote that I wanted to put something in a blog to prevent becoming invisible. That my life would not matter. I avoided blogging between Feb 2011 and Feb 2013 because I thought the perps would “leave me alone” a bit if I had no online presence and did not read online blogs. I started to feel isolated and alone in the world. A piece of thrown away trash that would be allowed to exist then die. Then, in early 2013, the harassment stepped up again. I don’t know why but it seems to go up around elections and inaugurations, etc..especially with this president. I decided to start posting again.
It was probably a mistake. I don’t have the readers I had and my old readers (few as they were) did not come back. I’m not as inspired to write as I was before. I see nothing to get excited about.
I would like this blog to make a difference in my life somehow. Maybe to keep me safe from excessive perp attack, to show I still exist, to show I’m not braindead or human trash, I don’t know.
Attacks are worse than ever. Sometimes I am at a loss what to do. Sometimes I think of ending it all. Every day is a new hell. Morning is usually the worst knowing I will have to face a whole new day of this. Today I woke up with a headache/earache as well. Lovely.
And all of this on public transportation. Perp transpo. There is a driver in this city who gets off on perping me so much I got off his bus and waited in the heat for the next one. He graciously said “fuck you” when he handed me my transfer and watched laughed and smirked at me in the mirror until I got off only a mile after I started. I would get his bus number, etc but it would do no good.
My life sucks as always.