Decisions Decisions

How are you more likely to make an important decision — by reasoning through it, or by going with your gut?

Usually my gut has the right response right away.  I think its an inherited trait.  There are times when I have had to make decisions, however and had very few options.  That sucks.  I’ve had very few options in my life.  I think I made a decision when I ran away on pass from the hospital.  I was making a statement that I would NOT accept this for my life and by a miracle of God someone listened and I did not go back there.  One day, about a year after that, after a bad fight with the parents, at 17, I showed back up there at the gate thinking I was no good and worthless and deserved to go back there.  I rung the bell and one of the old counselors came out and greeted me.  I told her what I wanted and she said “you have grown past this place”.  It was a great confidence booster and set the tone for the very FEW semi happy years ahead.  Eat that Asshole Miller (from the diary).

I made a good decision to watch my “boyfriend” that morning in 2008 to see if  he went to work.  He did not.  I watched for an hour and only a police squad car came up to him.  He got angry when he found me watching him and showed me a bus ticket that the police? had bought him to get away from me.  He was lying like a rug, though.  His “boss” was not going to pick him up, he did NOT have a 30 k job to go to, nor was that money he received the past week from “work”.  It was from his perp handlers who had an operative, my “boyfriend” inside my apartment to see what was going on there.  I was GLAD to see him go even though I made the BAD decision to get rolling drunk over it. (I have since stopped drinking per orders from the evangelists I saw after hearing the ugly voices.  I miss having some wine.)

I think I made a good decision to get my pet.  She is sometimes the only good thing I see all day.  I was worried that I would not be able to take care of her but it’s been OK so far.

I pondered the decision to go back to the Mental Health Center after my doc quit at the other place.  I DID NOT want to go back after having been treated poorly there in the past but I felt out of options.  I only saw 2 options:  Go there and get treatment which I seem to need now, or take your chances going drug free again and returning to the anxiety attacks and sleepless nights.  Maybe God would have had mercy on me and found me a way to live drug free again but the perps threatening that bad things would happen if I gave up pills before came true, so, maybe God would not have protected me now, either.  Physically I felt better than I had in years after the operation and before going back to the psych pills.  I had lots of energy and felt strong.  I felt like I did in my 20s.  The pills took that away, plus, it seems I don’t walk as much anymore because I don’t have that anxiety to walk off I did before.  I think walking and good nutrition were better treatments than pills, then winter came and I got louder voices telling me God had left me and I was going to Hell.  I was backed into a corner. They were plying their trade last night pretending to be God telling me I mistreated him (God) and that I only used Him as a last resort and should expect nothing from Him. Thanks perps.

I made a very bad decision way back when I was 13 and I am still paying for it today.  The perps will never let me forget nor let me think that everything that has happened these past 35 years is because of that.  Liars.  I was gonna be a ti of some sort no matter what.  I was “chosen” as a very young child.


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