“Past Imperfect”

Aside from it being the autobiography of Joan Collins,

I like people who do not have perfect pasts. If you had a perfect background you are a little too good for me. You are probably soulless and have no compassion for others that isn’t a canned version of Noblesse Oblige. Those who have not suffered have no compassion, have no real empathy or real vision of this world.  It is odd how some people handle their pasts.  Some try and forget, some overcome with religion or some other type of spirituality, some drug it away and for some the past eats them up.  Some overcompensate for past failures or past relations but everyone has a relationship with their pasts, good or bad.

In posting the Stelazine Diaries I’m posting a part of my Imperfect Past.  Being locked in the psych ward at 16 when I should have been going on dates, to parties, on ski trips, etc is part of me.  So is everything else I’ve experienced over the almost 5 decades I’ve lived. I’ve been homeless once, I have faced empty cupboards, I have been stuck on the wrong side of town after the last bus has gone by with no one to call.  I’ve lain in a hospital bed with no visitors.  I’ve been arrested and “booked”.  I’ve been to bed with people I hardly knew before I got religion and one since.  I’ve been stumbling drunk, alone.  I have taken more than ONE sample of food at the GROCERY STORE (heheheheheh).

Aging is also a form of imperfection.  When a person ages they stop looking the best they will ever look.  Skin sags, wrinkles appear, age spots appear, weight comes on or leaves, some people stoop, some don’t.  When you age your face gets it’s “character”.  I forgot where I heard it but someone said that by 40 you get the face you “earned”, otherwise, the life you have lived and the emotions you have felt are shown on your face.

I tend to look a bit sad and angry but years of targetting have stolen my joy.  My eyes, that have squinted in cynicism to many times have wrinkles around them,  my eyes are puffy from lots of crying and have dark circles from lack of quality sleep.  Drugged sleep is not real good sleep.  I have lots of wrinkles around my mouth since I have pursed my lips so many times as skit after skit have been played in front of me.  I purse my lips and sit silent rather than overreact and get into trouble.  I’d love to have “work” done on my face and other parts of my body to look younger and more “perfect” but cannot afford it.  With bought perfection comes lack of character, though.

I noticed a strange thing:  the celebrities I have grown up with have barely aged while I have.  I look old enough to be some of those gals’ mothers.  They look virtually the same as they did way back when I was in  Jr. high and grappling with puberty and heavy bullying.  Bought perfection makes the ladies look good but their faces have no character and sometimes their eyes no soul.

Imperfections used to be a fact of life but now they are less and less accepted.  Take mental health.  The standard in society is for people to be calm and perfectly behaved and very conformed.  Eccentricities are now diagnosed as mental illnesses and are stigmatized.  Before, people accepted each other much more.  Just as long as you weren’t walking around naked howling at the moon you were left alone.  Now, you must have a sort of designer personality brought about by the perfect “cocktail” (sounds like a party) of psych drugs.  Used to be, people cried, laughed, did whatever they did and lived life and no one interfered. People got ANGRY IN PUBLIC and the COPS were not called.

Only the very few were locked in mental wards and the PRISON WITHOUT BARS called gangstalking did not exist yet.  Oddities in people were expected not stigmatized like now.  You can act “unconventional” now but only in very tightly drawn circles.  You can get tattoos, or piercings and call yourself “goth” or “steampunk” or “renaissance” but within the group it’s just like a high school clique.  It’s all superficial and infantalized and stupid.  It’s not real.  To stick out in the past you didn’t have to follow a certain band.

People in my family were imperfect in the past but not ostracized like I am.  My mother always wore dark colors, no short sleeves, no t shirts and no sandals.  She looked like she belonged to a religious cult but she did not.  I believe she dressed in that manner due to fear.  Even HER mother, my grandmother wore colors and owned a few t shirts and wore sneakers.  My grandmother on the other side could be very mean and abrasive but had a genius intelligence and spoke many languages.  Her husband, on the other hand, was meek and had few friends but was considered very kind.  My other grandfather, the Mason, cussed a lot and would be considered to have road rage today.  My father, though he kept us housed and clothed, was very neurotic and was always looking for the next pill to solve something.  My one Aunt, though kind and intelligent was very reclusive and wore old fashioned clothes and refused to let technology affect her even though it could have helped her since she was disabled.  My other Aunt was probably schizophrenic but her husband did NOT leave her and saintly bore her for over 50 years.  One Uncle was married four times but no one ostracized him (he taught school by the way).  My other Uncle had no outward deficiencies, liked to play golf with his friends, etc..but was just plain WEIRD, creepy in a way.  My cousin married outside her faith and no one ostracized her.  Another cousin of mine was on drugs but no one ostracized him.  Only me.  It’s only me.

My sister has always tried to appear as normal as possible with as few eccentricities as possible and early on I got a feeling she was sort of soulless though I told no one. I used to have odd feelings like she was trying to be me or copy me and later to NOT be me.  I don’t know anything about her that is completely eccentric or weird.  She is living the “American Dream” now. I guess.

I hate television.  Everyone is perfect.  Most everyone looks good, wears the latest fashions, and live in big houses.  Even on “reality shows” people are rarely poor.  Poor people look bad and have lives that look bad on TV.  I do not own a TV.

While the rich flock to plastic surgeons and to the mall, the poor struggle to survive, age before their time and die before their time–flaws and all.


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