Re do????

I am supposed to redo a post I disliked. Well, the post from March 28 is not so good. I believe the Prompt asked if I had experienced tears of joy. I never have and have rarely experienced joy, if ever. I guess if I was ever joyful it was as a small child getting something I wanted or just being happy for some reason like I was getting to hang out with one of my few friends.  As a small child I would like to jump on the bed and thought it great fun.  Our neighbors had a trampoline and I was invited once or twice to use it in company of others and loved that.  I loved Skiing as a child and loved the feeling of speed going down a slope even though my skiing pretty much sucked.  (the perps are acting up V2k, they can’t believe I was ever happy or want ME TO BELIEVE I was ever happy) The Lord rebuke you, perps.

When I was a new driver getting to go fast on the highway was fun for me.  It felt powerful.  I know the perps made it so I can’t drive because it was pleasurable to me and the only way to get some privacy from them.  I loved driving on a Sunday because there was little traffic.  I felt “special” somehow.  I felt very happy when I was surprised with a birthday cake on my 20th birthday living at a room and board home for the “mentally ill”.  Everyone was kind to me and I felt loved for the moment.  When I was a teen my therapist would take me to lunch sometimes.  I felt special then, as well.  I was always happy if the parents announced we would go out for ice cream.

As a very little kid I would laugh and joke with my sister until she started acting like she wanted nothing to do with me when I was about in 8th grade or so.

I have never cried TEARS of joy..perhaps of relief at times but never joy.  Real joy only comes from God and He never invested me with much joy.  Some people have it on conversion but I didn’t.  Was I converted that night?  I’ll never know until it’s too late.  I’ve said the “sinner’s prayer” dozens of times just to make sure but a true follower of God obeys and shows fruits of repentance.  I cannot get the “experience” of God.  I never have.

How does one cry tears of joy?  Is it watching a child of yours get married?  I have watched infomercial after infomercial of women who have lost weight that break down and sob with joy because they are no longer fat–as if fat were the WORST infirmity that could befall you!!!!  I have watched pageant winners sob as their name is announced and could relate that it could be a joyful moment since their lives will now take a different turn and winning sometimes guarantees a life of opportunities and prosperity.  I think I might have ONCE cried tears of joy–at a movie.  It was Shawshank Redemption and it was the scene where Andrew, the prisoner falsely accused and sentenced to life for a murder he did not commit emerges from the lake after going through a pipe to escape prison.  He pops up out of the water with such joy at FREEDOM he affected me.

Maybe I would cry tears of joy (or pent up anger and hysteria) the day I would get set free of this evil and unjust misery of being a ti.


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