Must I be your clone to like you?

Do you need to agree with an artist’s lifestyle or politics to appreciate their art? To spend money on it?

No. I like Ayn Rand. I like her because she hates conformity and loves freedom. Well, loved it. She has been dead since 1982, the year I wrote my Stelazine Diary. I was locked in a ward at the State Mental Hospital for (gasp!) running away from home for 3 months, drugged, and mistreated by other patients and staff. No big horror stories but it really affected my life.  Actually, the drugging with Stelazine, a “typical” antispychotic, lasted at least a year before I stopped taking it.  I don’t remember a day, I just petered off it and was so strong and healthy in those days I didn’t have much of a withdrawal at all.  Now, withdrawal from a psych drug is hell.

I disagree with Ayn Rand’s atheism and probably some of her stalwart conservatism. I think people should help people. I don’t think it’s a bad quality to want to help people out or be charitable, but, the people who perform “acts of charity” aren’t always the kindest people around: most are perps.  Go to any soup kitchen or place that helps “the poor’ and see for yourself.

Rand likes to show people how they really are and exposes hypocrisy of their ‘kind” actions in “Atlas Shrugged”. I struggled through that book all summer of 2008 and also read the “Fountainhead” and “We the Living”, and “Anthem”. You can watch on You Tube how she went on the Donahue show back in the 1970s and was set up and persecuted by the audience.

She was married to the same man 50 years unlike another favorite author of mine, Taylor Caldwell, who was married 4 times and wrote on religious themes. Go figure. God knows peoples hearts.

Rand was a Jew who escaped Russia in the 1920s and learned perfect English to write her masterpieces.

BTW I am so sick of all the antisemitism showing up on conspiracy and “Christian” sites. Looks like they dragged out the Jews again to scapegoat. Your rich and elite perps are satanists, occultists, hypocritical Christians (love those), and SOME Jews.

There is NO Jewish Cabal to destroy the world. These perp people have been around since ancient Egypt and before.

Sorry I have been slack on doing the Daily Prompts and posting. I am getting too depressed to post and feel a weight come on me every time I see a daily prompt and realize when I post the damn perps are going to be a part of the post. I wish I was like the “normal” posters who don’t have to worry about the life sucking gangstalking and can just be free to write what they want.  Boy I have a lot to say but am scared to say it.

Man Jailed After Comments Made In Atos Assessment

Is this coming here to the States? Already people can be held w/o charges. This man was going for a reassessment of his disability benefits and got angry. It would be like going to Food Stamps, getting a little angry and being held for 2 weeks in jail and not being able to see anyone and having a closed trial so no one can see you there as well. First they shuttle him off to the looney bin to see if he’s crazy then they take him back to jail where he is being held incommunicado. This man supposedly has MS and a mental illness along with a heart condition. NO compassion. Do you think this will happen under Obamacare? The govt is finding people “able to work” that are in wheelchairs that have the capacity of 3 year olds. They also have some weird new tax called the “bedroom tax” that you have to pay if you are on benes and live in a place that’s too large for you (according to them).  No one knows what the man said during the interview but its scary that it’s all being kept secret.

the void

atos-killsUPDATE 26/04/13  Steve Topley has been bailed, has pleaded guilty and is now expected to receive a community sentence.  Seems he wasn’t such a threat to the community after all.

A Nottingham man has now been held in custody for two weeks after he was accused of “threatening behaviour”* due to comments he allegedly made during his Atos benefits assessment.

Steve Topley is a 49 year old father with multiple serious health problems who was required to attend a Work Capability Assessment with the notorious IT firm Atos – the company responsible for stripping benefits from hundreds of thousands of sick and disabled people.  During the process Mr Topley made some comments about someone not present at the assessment.

These comments led to Atos staff calling the police and Mr Topley was asked to attend Queens Medical Centre (QMC) in Nottingham.  When he refused to do so he was arrested. …

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If you could clone yourself, how would you split up your responsibilities?

Easy, the “other me” could CLEAN THE HOUSE, TAKE OUT THE KITTY LITTER, AND DO DISHES. Would the “other me” be a target? Could the ‘other me” be the target and I go free? Would the clone feel emotional pain? Is a clone fully human? I am totally against cloning and it scares me that some people think clones are among us today. People who were born in the freezer are walking around today. Are they any different than the typical person? Not that the typical person is any good.

A Puling Post in Two Parts

7:52am; Another day has dawned, the first voice sounds before I’m even out of bed.

This little “gem” here is in 2 parts:

1. Were there ever good times?
2. I was a target before all the shit hit the fan

I.  A long time ago, there were good times, very few of them, but I used to remember being alive, not dead.  I used to laugh, I used to joke.  I used to have clothes in bright colors.  I wanted to stand out and not disappear.  I’d laugh loudly in public to attract hopefully (male) attention.  I never got much.

  • I used to have fun at family/holiday dinners like Passover, Thanksgiving, the Sabbath, and most times that Grandma was invited to eat with us at home.
  • We used to go on hikes when I was younger.  Hikes seemed to bring out the best in my irritable and critical parents.  All that fresh air?
  • Saturday morning was sort of fun since Mother could not cook so we had to go out to 7-11 for coffee and to bring bagels back to the house for breakfast.
  • When I was living in the group home I had a friend who brought a small coffeepot with her and we would share coffee every morning together.  She turned on me when targetting began.  She had a sad story but the last time I saw her was the bus and she was perping me.  At the end of our “friendship” she invited me to go rollerskating with some of her friends and stood me up without explanation.
  • Bingo volunteering with Grandma.  We’d work in a stinky smoky room on the bad side of town but the proceeds helped out her charity.  We’d sell these little scratch ticket thingies called “pickles” out of a bucket during breaks in the action.  I forgot if they had cash prizes.
  • Late nights after dates or after going to a bar to dance or even a party–at coffee-shops.  I had a boyfriend.  All the rest of the people were his friends,  of which he made it abundantly clear when we broke up.  He went on and on how they hated me.  But, at the time, it was fun going in a large group sitting in a coffeehouse and being rowdy.  How soon those times would end.
  • Sitting outside at night with family.  At home on our patio, at my grandma’s patio at her house then her little bitty patio at her apartment where she’d still plant her tomatoes and petunias.  I’d look at the stars, we’d all chat.  For some reason my family would want to go in pretty fast when we sat outside at home.  We’d sit for hours outside in summer on my grandma’s old patio which was called a “breezeway”.
  • Going out the New Year’s Eve before I became a target and getting drunk.  Very drunk.  Being sick the next day but still going to the local arcade/bowling alley center we had here.
  • Shopping trips with Mother or Grandma before the perps ruined it
  • Sitting on a porch while this man I met at a 12-step group played guitar.  There was a small group of us that sort of ran around..about 4 of us.  I went around with them every Friday.  We’d go to a meeting then go somewhere for coffee or something else.   We’d go to this one man’s apt then he moved to an apt in a house and we got to use the porch to hang out on.  Grandma always made me call her once each time I was out 🙂
  • Long walks in the park by myself in fantasyland.  ( I was already getting perped but I’d crank up the music) and walk 4 miles then go out and get the most decadent dessert I could.
  • Day trips with my friend where she’d let ME drive.  The freedom of the road was very healing after being cooped up in a small apartment and using the perp filled bus all the time.
  • Collecting and pressing flowers more recently for my little job that the perps messed up.
  • Enjoying books on long summer days at the park a few years ago before the perps imposed a 50 page a day limit on how much novel reading I got to do a day.  I imposed a limit on myself to only read Christian Novels and now I’m sorry.  I still have missed many great classics and great new books I’ll never read unless I can get free of that vow.
  • Getting saved at my first church and being really involved at the church–at first–then the pastor and his wife went away and the other guy who became the pastor I only saw on Sundays.  I have a bitter memory of those times as well.  The time spent involved at the church as a new Christian was fun before THAT was taken away as well.
  • Even fantasizing helped even though I’m not supposed to do it as it’s an affront to God.

The idea of “diminishing returns” comes to mind:  as the years went on any “fun” time I had got ruined by the perps more and more.  Soon, even special Birthday dinners were served by perp waiters and waitresses.  I could no longer shop at the mall as they were filled with perps waiting for me.  As the years have gone on I spent more time alone or only with my friend at home or on walks.  Going in public has become awful.  For one year, the perps “forbade” me to eat in restaurants and told me to eat takeout or 7-11 because I was a “dog” and did not need to eat in restaurants.

I never went to Prom or any other fancy dress event except my sister’s wedding.  I was perped there as well.  I was miserable and paranoid.

Has anyone ever read the Joyce Carol Oates story “Thanksgiving”.  It’s about a family going through a gruesome time in what seems to be a nuked out town and in the end the daughter and her father are driving back from the gruesome town to their home and either dad or daughter says “oh hell” and then you know they are in hell and probably all died together.  You never knew they were in Hell.  It’s like targetting.  You look around one day and realize you are living in Hell and life has ceased.  It might have been gradual, a slow stepping down, but here you are and there you were a few years ago. It keeps getting worse, too.  I once posted on my old blog that I thought I was dead and no one told me.  I wondered if I had died in a plane crash in 1987 and was now in the outer rings of Hell for eternity.  She also did a story on the devil, FYI called Arnold Friend about how a “nice” affable guy seduces a teenage girl and she finds out he is the devil.  I miss her writing even though it was out there and touched on taboo subjects.  Glad there are many good Christian Novels out there that are fun to read and not preachy.

II.  I was a target before all the shit hit the fan.

Once upon a time, long before all the shootings, Columbine, 9/11, Waco, OK City, Ruby Ridge, the Movie Theatre Shooting, Sandy Hook, and Boston I was being oppressed by the targetting system.

In 1987, there was still a cold war, Reagan in office, no internet, no cell phones, but “car” phones that you could tell by the twirly antennae on the back window.  People in the US, for the most part, were happy and free, everything is relative.  You could go where you wanted, do what you wanted.  No cameras all over.  NO gun check to get a gun.  Real blue skies not obscured by the ugly milky chemtrail clouds that keep in the sun but don’t bring rain.  Maybe they brought all the snow, or, did SOMEONE explode a nuke somewhere and the fallout is causing a mini nuclear winter?  (my kind of questions upset people).  It’s late April and it’s February.  One snowstorm after another.  What happened to “global warming”, Gore???  Nothing is green, all is bare, and the little that came out is frozen and dead.

My targetting started in 1987 long before most other targets who noticed theirs usually after 9/11 especially after 2003.  When they started it on me it was GRADUAL back then:  they had LOTS of time to play me.  Like a cat playing with a mouse.  I’d get to run awhile and then the cat would show up again.  They did not take away my family right away.  It was the early 90’s before I really discovered my life was fucked up beyond repair.  I ran to church to get saved hoping God would run in and deliver me.  Guess it does not work out that way.

Back then the evil that is now was lurking, it hid in the dark where it belonged…not out on the streets creating mayhem.

While you were free, I already was targetted.  Before people had the Internet and Alex Jones, David Icke and doom and gloom ministries…(give us your money and we’ll sell you GOLD.  Now, give us your GOLD and we’ll sell you freeze dried FOOD.)  HAHAHAHAH.  After the price of Gold went up so much.  Someone is making lots and lots of money.  A nasty wolf in sheep’s clothing.

Back in 1987 the sun shone on Saturday Morning, America was the Greatest Country on Earth, Russia was the Evil Empire and China was Untouchable.  Watergate was a bugbear of the past.  There were REAL Christians then, who acted like Christians.  The last few visits to church I’ve had I have found nests of perps.  Still, I was already being held back, held DOWN.  I had a suspicion others in my life were being held down as well but had no idea why including members of my family.

Back in 1987 music was fun and lighthearted unless you liked metal like me.  Even some of the metal was fun..the “hair bands” were party bands but I always had to have the real heavy serious stuff.  There was hope everywhere.  America was the land of hope, of second chances, third chances.  I had hope for the future, at first.  It was slowly taken from me as the years went on.  By the time I applied for benefits in 1999 I knew there was no hope for me to work.  My hope was taken from me like a slowly growing cancer (or slugglish schizophrenia in Soviet Russia???) that starts so small it’s unnoticed–a few cells.  When I finally confronted the fact I was a ti in 2005, it was Stage III.  Now it’s terminal.  I have no hope, no joy, no life, no love to give.  It has all been burned out of me.

Even if it all ended tomorrow, I’ve seen and experienced the ugliness too long.  I’ve changed–I’m darker–the light can’t reach me even when I try to reach for it.  Now the Bible is a book full of dark warnings against sinners, not the book of Hope I was told it was.  Even in the New Testament.

I have had this long running fantasy that I’m put into time as the person I became without targetting and all the tragedies personal and national I’ve suffered.  I still keep the dark memories of this “other time’  It’s like parallel universes. I”m imposed on MYSELF.  It’s like the US if 9/11 and all that other crap didn’t happen.  I’m put into the body MY BODY of a lighthearted slightly weird but fun friend and family member who becomes dark and angry and distant as me and my dark memories overshadow the “light” version of me.

Am I able to shake off the darkness?  Do I alienate the people around me?  Hopefully, I’d try and compartmentalize the memories and live on, wiser but not too nasty to be around.  Oh, it would never work, though, my head would always be over my shoulder looking for early signs of targetting.

In another fantasy, I “walk in” to a person’s body who is about to die but I live there.  I take my memories with me.  The person I “take over” is so very sick and disturbed (end stages of eating disorder and drug addiction, cutting et al) even I am an improvement to their mental state.  Only weirder.  I think I have Asperger’s.  I go on to live life in the same parallel universe mentioned earlier–sans 9/11 and all the other crap  since 1987–weirding out my “new” family but eventually making friends and getting employment.  I still look over my shoulder and keep quiet on matters of politics etc.  Finally, I leave the country for good to work as a missionary.  I get married in the field and have children and only return to the US for visits.  Would I be happy?  Would the Day of the Lord be set back?  In the parallel universe the baddies are having a harder time getting their act together.  Fantasies are all vain imaginations…according to God.  Dreams can be good if they are constructive I guess.  Sometimes reality is too hard to take and I still catch myself fantasizing.

Back in 1987, I had fantasies all the time, but I also thought I’d have a future in real life, somehow, even after the hospital and all the running away crap.  When the perps showed up, I only had a year of college left.  My grades were up, my weight was down, and I guess the jealous little psychopaths could not allow me to live my life.

P.S.  People are saying those Russian brothers (Chechnyan?) didn’t do the Boston Marathon bombing.  If these brothers did not do it, why were they at the event with backpacks?  Lets say for a moment they didn’t do it.  The news agencies say the brothers were “radicalized” by the Syrian version of Islam.  Is this little event gonna justify a NEW war, this time with Syria?

Were they there on orders by the FBI (since they worked for them) and then the bombs went off but not by them and they were picked up?  Sounds unlikely, but what about the photos of Navy Seals.  Americans killing Americans to start another war because we need constantly to be at war to distract the people from issues at home?  Maybe like it was in 1984?

Critical Eye???

Write about the subject you usually blog about as if you were a music critic.

This record is always in a negative mood, going from tear-jerking power ballads to raw heavy metal anger to angry rap….there are tiny little breaks of lightness and humor but it’s rare. This album is dark, dark, dark. Some of it is is only puling junk about the past, whine, whine whine. Some of the songs don’t seem that important on the surface but apparently the artist thinks they are. The longer this album gets the more boring it gets as it seems the artist is less and less inspired and more and more frightened of her enemies, the perps. There is something the artist desperately wants to communicate which would probably bring the quality up on this lousy album but she is afraid the write the “song” she wants to write. She says the music will remain lousy as long as a jack-boot is lodged in the side of her neck.

Companion Piece

Head to one of your favorite blogs. Write a companion piece to their penultimate post.

This was posted at Neverending1’s Blog on June 26, 2012. It reminded me so much of what I was going through I caused me to read her blog more often and eventually start blogging myself.  I doubt it’s the best post on there since there are so many, 100s in fact, but this one stuck in my mind.

Companion Piece:

Everywhere I go there’s the STUFF ON THE GROUND.  Lately, it’s orange peels (to remind me of a curse someone did in Africa) to these little wire like things all over the place.  I also get rubber bands and hair bands to show that I’m “bound” and am a prisoner to them.  They also like to toss things on the ground that are like the ones in my apartment or even food that I eat, the meaning being, “we were in your apartment”.  I know the little stalkers read minds and can see into my apt without being there so it does not scare me, plus, they come in anyhow and leave their classic “gift”, a penny.  The penny is supposed to remind me I’m Jewish and too cheap to even pass up a penny.   They always leave a penny especially if I go somewhere new, off the beaten path to “show” me they were already there and they can even predict the path I will take because a penny can be overlooked.  I also think the message of the STUFF ON THE GROUND is that “they” are with you all the time even if you don’t see anyone.  All you have to do is look down and there is more crap strewn on the ground.  There is also a lot of trash thrown around outside my apt and my apt only.  Everyone else’s lawn looks clean.  My old “neighbor” used to put lots of food right around the corner, old food, and it would attract bugs and even demons.  I once put the food back on his porch but that did not stop him.  My “neighbor” over the fence thought it would be cute to put the ubiquitous orange  peel under the fence.  He got it right back.  I got a t shirt on the ground a while back while mine is missing.  The message being DONT EVER WEAR THIS KIND OF TSHIRT AGAIN.  So sick of it, I might buy several ones of that style and in different colors (even forbidden ones) and wear them.  There would be hell to pay.

By the way, another thing happened over me wanting to publish what the perp o traitors said:  my computer was attacked.  I had 14 viruses after I did a scan.  All of them related to a common Trojan going around relating to Java.  I took Java off my puter and the next scan came out clear.  I need to run another one just in case.  What uses Java?  I know it always needed updating and was a pain.  I also read that Java has no way to protect against this Trojan and that it’s become a little obsolete so maybe I don’t need it.

Had the usual miserable day with V2k.  I went out and people were wearing yellow as in you are “chicken” for giving in to us.  Neighbor is watching while I type this…I hear ‘comments” while I type.  Last night, heard the word “heart attack” and panicked.  These evil pieces of scum gave her another fake “heart attack” way back in 2005 when they were trying to get us apart.  This time it was only bad heartburn.  Last time they used some kind of DEW to cause pain there.  Or was it heartburn again..getting threats now….they want to do it again?  What’s the point, people.  Is this life worth living?

So:  I got my cat running away, my cat being pet by a weird stranger, my computer attacked and my only friend going to the ER last night because I wanted to publish the evil crap I hear in  my head.  I don’t get it, they can just say I’m nuts.  They said:  “it’s all about control”, well I”m not your pet cow, shitbags

Threatened and controlled

I was going to put up line upon line of my V2k abuse but the little perps scared me out of it. First, they made me think my cat was missing. Next, when the cat was out I looked out and a strange man with a beer in his hand was petting her. “Pretty Cat” he says. Would she have been stolen in the next minute? Thanks be to God I looked out when I did. He was with a big group of people.

Later my only friend calls me telling me she’s not feeling well. No biggie. Then, an hour later the whole thing has escalated into “I called ask a nurse and they told me to go to the hospital”. A tiny temperature and some heartburn is now going to be a heart attack!

Turns out it was nothing. She was there an hour. I sat screaming and railing at God for not protecting me. Shame shame. They got me to shred the papers with the V2k convo on it and one hour later, I”m awakened by my friend telling me she’s heading home.

Add that to my landlady threatening me as she walks by that I will “lose everything”. What a nasty bitch. She is supposed to be some kind of nun. The ones who hide behind religion are the worst. I almost want to be an atheist today and just treat people and animals right. She turned total perp after the shits did some arm twisting of their own on her life.

My black t-shit, my favorite one, is missing. I kept hearing over V2k my LandLady telling me not to wear it–she didn’t like it. Now it’s gone. Guess it ties into seeing ANOTHER black t shirt outside. VE dont Vant you to Vear Tos Thirtzzzz…….Total control.

I was had. I wanted to post the V2k, waited too long, got scared, then they pulled shit like this to scare me out of it. They don’t want people to know what abuse they shell out daily on me.

I saw my first dead animal a couple of weeks back.  They are back at it.

My whole life has been replaced by fear and loathing and depression. The last time I was happy at all was…I can’t remember.


Have you ever had a random encounter or fleeting moment with a stranger that stuck with you?

Yes, I get them all the time now, but the first time I had a weird encounter with a stranger was on the bus. It was way back in 1981 and I was 15.  I did not know it was a skit and a psyop. This man who looks like someone I know comes up and starts talking to me about someone else I know–but the man is a STRANGER, and ACTOR. These skits are not played with different methods all the time now. Back then the stranger was friendly and I was naive. Now the “strangers” are almost always hostile.

I also had an odd encounter with a stranger outside a store once. I thought a woman looked young for her age and she went into detail how she did it. It involved a lot of Vitamin E as I recall.

I met a strange man in 2008 and he impressed me so much by his interest in birds that I invited him to stay at my house.  He was homeless, young, and said he was out of a job.  He didn’t seem rough or tough in the least.  He even “showed” me his church’s website.  A few days later he started acting oddly.  I googled him and turned up a page where he describes himself as a meth addict.  He hardly looked like himself as he was.  In the picture he was much heavier and had long hair and totally different clothes.  He turned out a clean cut image to me:  slim, hair is cut, etc.  Turns out he was a police informant gathering information on the inside.  All I ended up with was a broken heart (no one has dated me in 20 years even a fake hurts) and a broken COMPUTER.  He screwed up my machine.  Thought I saw him in the back seat of a car driving around a corner as I walked to the store.   I got rip roaring drunk over him…the first time I’d been drunk since 1988 or so.

The weirdest encounter with a stranger was on July 4, 2008 when I missed the last bus to town.  I got to the stop late because I was reveling in the relative isolation on top of a hill enjoying a warm summer night after the fireworks.  Out at night, looking at stars, no nasty neighbors outside talking about me for hours.

I missed the last bus and town was 10 miles away.  I noticed a lot of cop cars circling and going up and down the street as I walked and was a little afraid.  As I walked I met up with an older Indian guy who was walking with a cane.  Later, I came upon him again.  The circling police had arrested him and taken him in and made him strip and stand in the middle of the police station as a curiosity since he was a hermaphrodite.  Later, they let him go and continue to walk towards town on his cane without even offering him a ride or arranging for one.  He was expected to just keep walking.  They told him to keep walking until he got out of town.

I lost him again and met up with him later when it was finally getting light.  (summer nights are short).  I didn’t really think he was all that friendly so we parted ways when the first bus FINALLY came at 5:30 and about 50 blocks away from where I started.  I must have been slow or stopped a lot.  I went home and went to bed.

I won’t reveal the name of the town because then I’d be a “whistleblower”.