For the past few days prompts I have been at a loss. 2 days ago, the prompt was about your favorite movie line. I do not have a TV and it has been years since I have “been to a movie” which is now a dangerous activity it seems. My fave movie was/is the Wizard of Oz (clique) so there, but I forget the lines. All this perping sort of takes away my mind in a way. Your head is filled with all the abuses and you cannot remember what you used to like. My fave part of Wizard of Oz is when Dorothy discovers the Wizard is but a man and she need not fear him. Unlike God, the Wizard is only a false God. OK, the scene with the bucket of water and the witch is good, I have had fantasies of merely wetting the perps: all I’d get is a wet perp…”I”m MELTING MELTING, oooo what a world”. I have a theory that female villains of yore were mostly independent women who would not submit to men and I wonder if even the WITCH was a rejected woman. Oh well, sigh.
The next one, turning 180 degrees, hmmm I looked back over my life and found that every decision I made I had mulled it over for months and even years before making it with the exception of my teenage years and the serial running. I had wanted religion 2 years before I got saved, for instance. I mulled sin over 2 years before I partially backslid and then it was 4 years until I was consumed with sin. A sudden decision to turn the other way? Nothing is new under the sun…every turn in my life was a turning away or a turning back…At about 17 or 18 I decided not to be rebellious anymore thinking I could reclaim my life. I was wrong. The perps awaited at 22.
Today’s….about spontaneity. I did something last year on the spur of the moment and I’m still glad I did. Usually I cannot do anything at the spur of the moment having no transportation and having my thoughts read. Other ti’s used to tell me to think of a destination they would think of and keep on thinking of it then go somewhere else, but, without transpo it would soon be obvious I would be walking/taking the wrong bus to that destination. Another ti told me to get my subvocal utterings under control and they would not read my mind but that did not work either. I once took hours to assemble a metal hat that was supposed to block mind reading and thought control and I made the lights/heat go off on our block for over an hour in 10 degree weather when I put it on my head. The electric co men GLARED at me as they put a newer (stronger) thingie on the pole the next day. A small substation for a few blocks? I posted on the metal cap (NOT TINFOIL) on the last blog.
I love St. Patricks Day as that is the day I had my surgery and then I recovered when I was full of fear that I would not and get an infection in the hospital and die. I had a choice of March 12th and the 17th, and the superstitious side of me chose the 17th even though I am not Irish nor Catholic. I hate March 13th with a passion. On March 13th 1992 my whole life came crashing down. That was the day I knew I was officially separated from my rock idols. The targetting had already begun but I did not know what it was and thought it was just a local thing and I could move away from it or it would go away by itself. God had mercy on me by separating me from my idols, getting me to try life a different way. I think, what if I had just gone on as before and became a professional groupie? What if I had died, young, as my former friend without knowing God? She was taken early, very early. I can only she had a deathbed conversion.
All that being said, I have not been happy since that day 21 years ago since almost all my perp targetting has taken on the theme of my “enmity” with the band. Even if I ignore the band’s existence they will make me dream of them or do perp skits on them. It’s like my way to redemption is blocked. Then, on July 26, 2010, I heard something that seemed unbelievable and I have truly not been happy one hour since then. I got back on the pills. The perps got their way. If this whole thing is a ruse, I hope the perps get what they deserve unless they repent fast.
Looking back I was never allowed to be happy, even as a child.