Or, Part 2 on Posts that could get me killed
Or, do you really want to air that dirty laundry?
The last time she (I) called she was SO angry. She just won’t understand she CAN’T understand. She will never understand, because it is not for her to understand. It started long before she was born and it continues to this day. She did not ask to be “in the program” and neither did her mother or my Aunt or my brother who is now dead at his own hand.
She asked for my help and I gave her what I could WITHIN THE LIMITS of what I could do without incurring THEIR wrath. I DID call her father and he was NOT interested. I DID NOT tell her when I went to see her sister, but, why should she know? What is she to me? Nothing. Nothing but trouble. The more she hangs around me, the worse it will be for me. Who knows? Maybe I’ll be the next victim. My mother, who died decades before her time, warned me to be careful on her deathbed. Never to do or say anything to get “selected” for the program.
The last time I talked to her (I) she told me that the magic wand I could not wave to make things better could go up my ass. She can be very nasty sometimes. Like her mother. Her mother was in the Program too, just not that intensely targetted. I remember how I slowly discovered that my Uncle’s wife was Program as well. He waited so darn long to get married and then THIS. Didn’t he learn his lesson from his sister, my Aunt? She got targetted by the program back in the McCarthy Era. She was questioned at work, ostracized, followed, and, one day a strange man just HIT her on the street. In the head. At first, she seemed fine (I was young so was not that perceptive) then she started having headaches and passing out. Her healthy big boned body had betrayed her. They found a “tumor” which they removed that left her crippled in the legs. She went back to work and everything was “fine” again, except she could hardly walk and now that she was in her late 40s, never marry.
They are both gone now, before their time. My Aunt died like a dog in my opinion. I am still so angry.
I guess I should have seen it coming. She (I) was at my house about a year before. I let her cook an amazingly good meal out of my limited stock of food (I vowed never to get fat even after the divorce. I swear my both of my Aunts “got it” partially because of their weight problems.) then let her talk and cry to me how hard it was to have the family ignore her. She talked about the past and how her parents acted, the hospital, and everything else. I was kind, sweet, and supportive. I gave her a hug, probably the first one she had had in years. I was too nice and it implied too much. She is Program and I am not. I will not catch her targetting which can be spread like a disease. I did not call her. The weeks passed by. I told her to write a letter. It did no good. I promised to call her Father, and after a reminder from her, I finally did. My elderly Uncle (wow, how did he get so old? I thought he would be the first to go but it looks as if he will live to be the oldest of them all) harped on the “religion” thing and said he did not talk to her because she asked him to accept Christ. I’m not so sure if it’s the real reason or just a cover story but I did not dig too deep. It is not my job to dig too deep.
I’m not so young myself. I am now much older than my mother was when she died. I hardly can believe my age and my health, praise G-d. I still work past the retirement age, I have a cool little car, a boyfriend, my own home and respect. I will not give that up, not for HER, not for any Program person. I think back to my brother’s funeral ten years before. Despite his reserved personality he made a good marriage, and had two good children. All in all he treated his wife…indifferently. Even though he built her an enormous house in the suburbs, he could not give her the love she needed. When she left, he fell apart. I think part of it is HOW she left…it was heartless I think but who am I to meddle, meddling sometimes brings the TROUBLE, something SHE does not seem to know or care about.
I really think my brother would have survived the divorce and managed to live on, BUT, it looks as if, maybe, he got chosen for the program and the handlers and instigators (the Internet people call them perps) started in on him. I don’t know HOW he got chosen and why so late in life, but, my sister-in-law’s new husband could be a handler and maybe he decided to have some “fun” with her ex…I don’t know. I don’t meddle, as I said. When he showed up with bells on to my brother’s funeral, I was a bit upset but very very careful to not show it. Coming back from the bathroom I saw some of the oldsters together (my Uncles and a few friends) and they were talking. I overheard them as I went by saying, “we left Russia for this?”. I felt my heart sink. It all seemed to hit home, then, in an instant, it was gone. This is it. This is our life. This is our normal.
I have noticed my niece and one of my younger cousins are “perping’ now. They treat me fine. It will continue that way.
She (I) has been Program almost from birth. It really stinks how they have used her. They taught her to dissociate as a youngster to escape some of the miseries only to pull the rug out from under her a decade later. How they set her up is one for the record books. She tried to use religion as a crutch to merely survive, but, from what I see, it has failed. I have met these so-called “saved” people before and they are DIFFERENT. They seem so happy all the time. Grounded. I don’t get that from her. She is drifting. I do believe the religion she ran to to escape whatever happened to her in the early 90s has failed. Too bad.
I went to her sister’s home to see my young nephew Bar Mitzvahed. As his mother, his Bar Mitzvah was the best the shul had ever seen. Some things keep getting passed on. I loved her home. It was almost as spacious as the one my brother had bought for my sister-in-law. They seemed so happy, you know, that cautious sort of plastic happy when you know people are watching? That kind.
I hope G-d is kind to my cousin and does not make her live too much longer.