I Am a Mess

Does a messy home (or office) make you anxious and cranky, or is cleaning something you just do before company comes over?

I don’t know why I never picked up the cleaning habit but I do not clean unless I have to. I think it has something to do with my depression and the fear messages the perps leave in my head about not living too well. I keep telling myself I will get into the habit of cleaning weekly but for whom? If more people came over and my apartment became a place to hang out at and sleep at I might be more inspired to clean it more.

I scoop the litter, wash the dishes when they run out and vacuum when the carpet disappears. I sometimes do “bathroom duty” by scouring the tub, etc. Bottom line is: if the perp o traitors are coming in here and peeping at my stuff why do I want to clean the apartment for them? It makes it easier for them to be in here knowing they won’t have to face a mess every time. If I had privacy maybe I’d make my home a place of cleanliness and order.

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Only Five Things to Eat

You’ve being exiled to a private island, and your captors will only supply you with five foods. What do you pick?

1.  Coffee, I need it for energy and it lifts a little of my depression.  Coffee could be considered a food, couldn’t it.  You CAN eat the berries.

2.  Brown Rice, it is supposed to have all the nutrients to maintain life even without meat.

3.  Beans, along with rice completely make a protein.

4.  Soy Sauce, to gag it all down.

5.  One Pregnant Cow, for milk and later? cheese, then, to butcher and kill for meat as I domesticate other animals on the island for milk butter and cheese.

Me, a man?

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be a member of the opposite sex for a day? What do you think life would be like?

As I ti I do think it would be harder because the perps play on our pride.  A man does not like to be brought down into humility and ridicule.  He cannot even take it as well as a woman who for thousands of years has been socialized to “take it”.  Being a man would be hard because I would be expected to be strong and fight for my honor if someone came against me.  A ti is not allowed to fight against the powers that be and is supposed to humbly take all the perps throw at them.  A man who is targetted would feel impotent and weak and worthless.  Being a daughter of a feminist did not help in this regard.  My mother told me I was equal as a man but this is not the real truth in society even now.

It would even be worse to be a targetted man who is forced to take psychiatric meds because the meds  are supposed to make men more feminine.  I guess I can see why most of the “shooters” who are ti’s brought to extremity, are male.  A woman will sit quietly in the corner sometimes but a man sees his manhood taken from him, his rights as a “free” American.  He is now turned into a slave, not only that, but a eunuch…a man not good enough to have a girlfriend much less a wife and also feminized by the drugs that are given him when he complains of his treatment and OF COURSE is referred to the local mental health service.

As for work, a man prides himself in his work…most ti’s are driven out of the job market for good and are expected to take government benefits to survive. The ones who don’t become low level perps  just to save face in society. To sit all day and do nothing hurts a man, a real man.  Perp men do not care and will sit around the rest of their damned lives just so they can have the substances to “party” with and have a roof over their head no matter how humble.  Hurting ti’s is their LIFE.  Their whole perpose in life becomes destroying another that has done nothing to them.  Other men, not even perps, are this way now.  They will attach themselves to a woman with a “check” so they can sit around and vegetate.  Momma’s boys.

I would not want to be a man and a ti.  To be a man and not a ti does not seem as bad.  I could use my physicality to take out my aggressions at a gym or on a job or even in the service of the Army, etc.  It’s a lot healthier and cheaper than pills.  I might be too timid to approach a woman to date, however.  Years ago, I asked a man out MYSELF.  He was on the bus “coincedentally” when I was, a bus, a wrong bus, one that led to nowhere, it seemed.

Turns out, he was in the employ of the perps and was “put there” for me to notice.   He was very attractive but turned out to be the death of my life. His blonde curls, and blue eyes and sweet demeanor were a trap.  I grew to trust him and told him something I shouldn’t and he passed it on and I got gangstalked from there.  I can see it now.  When I knew him he was sweet and churchgoing and in 12 step groups to combat his addictions to drugs and alcohol. He had a good union job.  He worked overtime.

We broke up because I would not go to bed with him.  He was much older than me and I was trying to straighten my life out after the drama of the hospital and the runnings  (escapes) that I did.  Also he had been married THREE times by his early 30s and had a daughter almost as old as I was.  Imagine the humiliation when I went out with him one night and he brought the daughter along.  She was 13, and I was 17.  I wanted to die.

Five years later, I saw him on the street.  He picked me up in his car when he saw me walking.  He was meaner and colder.  His long beautiful blonde locks had been cut.  He had put on weight.  I asked him if he was involved in the things he was involved in when I knew him.  He brushed me off.  He asked me if I “wanted to do the thing I refused him earlier”.  I said no.  I got out of the car.  I went somewhere and sobbed.  My targetting had only just started but I sensed he was a player.  I realized our “relationship” that had gone on for nearly a year had been a sham.  It was only the beginning.  Soon everyone would be revealed as a sham, a player.

I wonder what happened to him.  I once heard his name on the radio as someone who had requested a song.  I suppose his life has turned out better than mine.  Sorry for hijacking my own Prompt.

Have you ever truly felt déjà vu, the sensation that you’ve already had the experience you’re currently having?

I used to have this feeling quite frequently at various places and times and still occasionally do but the mind screwing perps have removed much of it. I used t wonder if I had lived before since I used to have it so much.

The only deva vu I seem to have a lot of now is seeing the perps doing the same old skits over and over again…rock star lookalikes again….and again….The same old catchwords and smirks and attempts to start fights on the bus, etc….sigh. Intimidation, ridicule, skits designed to make me look like I’m the aggressor…etc.

One day the weasel perps will be found out then they will try and turn it all around and blame us for being the stalkers…I can already see them looking for a way to worm out of this and not pay for it…justice may never come. Only God sees them and knows their day is coming per Psalm 73.

If you were to judge your favorite book by its cover, would you still read it?

If the book were The Fountainhead I would.  That supermuscular man holding the light (of ideas?) for the world is awesome.  He holds in his hand ingenuity and hard work and intelligence.  His body holds health and power.  Wow.

If he book were The Bible maybe not.  There you have to go inside the book and stay there a while, a long while to start to ingest and digest the ideas therein.

If the book were I Never Promised Your a Rose Garden, I might.  My ancient edition showed “Deborah” in what looked like tribal gear in the midst of one of her fantasies.  You just have to go inside and see what goes on.

What does your ideal community look like? How is it organized, and how is community life structured? What values does the community share?

The only ideal community will be in Heaven where justice will reign and no one will be poor or tormented or left out. No one will lord it over another or deceive another. On Earth the only community that would be good to live in is where deceit and corruption and perps would NOT be allowed to live. There would be no police. Everyone would have a purpose and work within the community. No one would be idle. Everyone would be shown love and acceptance for their unique gifts. No one would be forced to seek psychiatric care if they seem a bit different. Everyone will be loved, supported and comforted. No one would be overworked unless they want to work a lot and no one would be forced into idleness. I don’t know how this community would be led but by a council of everyone in the community. Who would be the ultimate leader? A spiritual leader? A secular leader? I don’t know. Only in Heaven will the ultimate community exist.

What activity, task, or game most brings out your competitive streak?

Another potentially identifying question…I feel most competitive when playing video games. It has been awhile since I’ve had a person to play them with so I sort of compete against myself to beat levels, etc. I think lately, however, I’ve been hearing from God to stop video games. I fight with Him (hopefully Him not the perps) that I need the relaxation of the games but I can see most of them look inherently evil/paganistic/occult. I try and play the most bland games there are but STILL I hear a message to stop. What to do?

Please read the diaries

Folks, I am reposting the diaries from 1982 I had on my old blog. It is a chronicle of the first few months out of the locked mental hospital I was put into at age 16 for merely not fitting in at school, getting a bad shrink, getting on the wrong drug, attempting suicide, running from the first hospital and getting the lockup hospital at the second, being made a ward of the state, etc…like Alice’s rabbit hole.  Here I was, only 16, trying to be “normal” again but finding it hard. Anyone who has ever been locked up or put into a position or place they did not want to be can relate. The first few months were hard, going from job to job and meeting my therapist as much as 2 times a week, plus being on ordered meds from the state.  I think I finally quit the meds a few months later and no one noticed.  I did not know I was a targetted person that had no future, so here I strove to be better, to get “well”, as if I had been “sick” in the first place.  I deal with parents and a shrink that wants to lock me up again, but had a supportive therapist on my side (or so it seemed).

The diary (not all posted yet) starts a month after I run away from the hospital and return home under a “contract” of behavior from the State I had to comply with to stay home and not return to the lockup.  It ends in late Fall with not much resolved.  I have no idea why I quit the diary, I just did.  I tried to go back to school after a few failed jobs and a car accident but left after a week to run again.  I never went back to the hospital though, thank God.

There are a couple of entries from 1999 years later and my misery then and a 2007 entry that preceded this diary on my old blog plus long pages of “nutritional information” I found on the Web or somewhere from 2000.  I also have a 1998 chronicle of misery but it’s much longer.  Guess I thought “journaling” would help.

Please read at least the 1982 part.  Lots of parents threw their kids in hospitals back then to “straighten them up” and left them scarred for life.   I wish I could get the file from those days.  Some kid got a hold of some of our notes one day and I got to read mine and wow, did the person who ran that ward hate me!  It was a Miracle of God I got out of there!

P.S. Today, I spent hours reading horror stories of people who have had to put up with worse than I did.  It’s hard to tell, but it seems some of them got targetted but it was hid under the guise of ‘mental health treatment”.  One story about a happy yuppie housewife, is unbelievable.  I read stories about kids who were even less abnormal than I was being put “into the system” drugged and marginalized.  Also, I did not know that ADULTS could be forcibly hospitalized against their will for almost nothing.

Write a piece about a typically “local” experience from where you come from as though it’s an entry in a travel guide.

Maybe I shouldn’t. After all, I’m a ti. Sometimes these prompts seem to be ordered by the perps to “find us out’.  Hmmm It’s not as if the PERPS don’t know who we are anyway, I’m more worried about certain fake “ti’s” that “help” the perps for easier treatment.  I guess that makes them perps….and I did keep the same name on my new blog as the old.

Sometimes the air is so dry here, traveller, that it seems it’s sucking the water out of you.  We do get dewpoints below zero here. You must hydrate yourself here and slather on lotion to survive.  Women who live here all the time will prematurely age if they don’t hydrate their faces and bodies.  Summer rains here are not as reliable as in times past when a shower would hit every day about 4 or 5.  Now, clouds may build up all day to produce a bounty of 3 or 4 drops at sunset.  The rivers and creeks here run almost to the ground by late summer and early fall.  To experience a moister climate one must go 50 or so miles outside of here to another ecosystem where the rains are reliable and the wildflowers bloom.

There are pools and water parks here to be had for money but what passes for the “beach” here is merely a patch of sand by a algae infested reservoir.  We are many many miles from a real beach.  Occasionally, a large thunderstorm will hit and fill up the rivers and creeks and reservoirs for the moment but it passes quickly.  Large periods of time with continued wet weather are a thing of the past here.  It used to be, that sometimes in late spring, or early summer, the rain would fall every day or the thunderstorms would come one after another.  It no longer happens.  Once the storm passes it’s usually over for the day, the week, even the month.

It’s hard to tell if if it’s climate change that brought on the increased dryness or the Anger of God, but the demand on water here and the supply do not meet and we will dry up one day.

God has some mercy on us in that He provides us with some moisture but not in the form of rain.  It melts and becomes part of the water supply.