What is going on?  You have been asking yourself this for months, even years…life is no longer good.

Have you been having trouble in your life lately?  Have you been bullied, marginalized, set up, slandered and generally treated horribly for some time now?  Does something seem odd about your life–not just the average trials of living?  You could be a targeted individual.  This is a revised version of a post I did in 2009 on the old blog.  There are many facets to this crime but they can be mainly separated into a few categories:

  • Organized Harassment
  • Electronic Harassment/Hands-off Torture
  • Mind Control
  • Spiritual Harassment

The nasty tricks these “perps” can use is limited only by their sick imaginations.  By a combination of street perps with handheld technology like smartphones and tablets, Directed Energy Weapons, Mind Reading Towers, The Hive Mind, Occult Curses, Spiritual Abuse and plain old bullying, the possibilities are endless.  Most targeted individuals aren’t aware of their condition and end up going the “mental health” route and get damaging psychiatric drugs while the Gangstalking and Torture continues.  That is not to say that some people may be mentally ill and having symptoms similar to the ones I will list, but if you feel you are basically functional, and especially if you had a “normal” life before the changes began, you may be a ti.  There are also targeted individuals that are actually mentally ill.  Mentally ill or physically disabled people make easier targets–a person could be “crazy” and still be a target.  I also think perps might like to go after people with high functioning Autism–people who seem normal in many ways but have lousy social skills.  I might be one of them.

These symptoms are only my opinion.  There are thousands of ti sites now.  Read a variety of them.

I.  Organized Stalking

  1. Do people seem rude or cold to you wherever you go?
  2. Are people nice at first then quit being friends?  Is it impossible to keep friends?
  3. Are you getting poor service by contractors and mechanics?  Are cars and trucks gunning their motors up and down your street, even speeding up alleys?  Are you hearing a lot of honking or EMS sirens?
  4. Is your car always breaking down?  Is your computer slow, full of viruses, or dying a premature death?
  5. Are you missing important mail?  Is your mail late?  Have you been penalized for late bills that were delivered late?  Is your mail ripped, stamped with boot marks or looking damaged regularly?  Is a little flap ripped off the top of your flap on the corner so someone can read a personal letter?
  6. Are people on the street regularly making odd gestures at you?  Are you getting “nose swipes”, people touching their hair, touching their bellies, etc…(look up Stasi Hand Signals).  Are you being ID’d by strangers to other strangers in public?  e.g….”that’s her” as they go by?
  7. Are people muttering insults as you go by or by your window?  Are perfect strangers giving you dirty looks on a regular basis?
  8. Are you losing friends and not making new ones?
  9. Are your new friends sort of weird and odd and seem to have an agenda?  Do they become very bossy and oppressive and inquisitive after a short while?
  10. Are you recently separated, divorced, or broken up with a significant other?
  11. Are you going to get some money in an inheritance?
  12. Do strangers act hateful, even threatening, around you?
  13. Do strangers try to start arguments with you in public places?  Has it ever escalated to a physical fight?  Have police been called?  Were the police automatically on the instigators side and NOT even willing to listen to you?
  14. Do drivers have their brights shining on you as you drive or walk at night?  Do cars park or position themselves to shine their lights in your window when at home or stationary, like at a bus stop?  Are you followed when driving despite many turns to lose your tail?  Do you get someone slow ahead of you in your lane especially on a two lane road and then get another driver on your tail essentially pinning you in?  Do you get it on 4 sides on the highway?  Do drivers pretend to jump out in front of you from side streets or drift towards you like they would side swipe you?
  15. Is your family acting strangely?  Are they treating you differently?  Are you being left out of family functions?  Do you feel marginalized by your family when you were important to them before?  Are you/have you always been the “black sheep” of your family on the other hand?
  16. Do co-workers you don’t like or your “ex’s” friends seem to just “show up” around town when you are out?
  17. Have you been pressed to see a psychiatrist when you make valid complaints about poor treatment?
  18. Is your boss unwilling to promote you?  Is your formerly friendly boss now suspicious of and “rides your ass” at work?  Are your hours getting cut e.g. in food service jobs?  Are your professors/teachers “grading you down” for work you have gotten a higher grade for in the past?  Do your teachers ignore your comments in class, and are rude to you out of class?
  19. Do you find odd paraphernalia left on the ground for you?  Is it usually a small coin such as a penny, nickel or dime?  Is it something that relates to your life?  Could it be perceived as a threat?  Does this happen a lot?
  20. Do people all seem to be wearing the same color clothing on certain days?  Are they wearing the color you are wearing?  Do you see cars of the same color around town on some days?  Do people wear a lot of red around you?
  21. Are you being persistently bullied at work and social activities?


II.  Electronic Harassment.

  1. Are you getting sharp sting-like pains for no reason?  Do you suddenly get severe itching at night when you want to sleep?
  2. Do you get pains in the heart area without any signs of heart disease?  Do you have unexplained headaches that are not part of a physical condition?
  3. Do you have trouble sleeping?  Are you “jolted awake” just as you doze off?  Do you have nightmares on a regular basis?  On the other hand, do you sleep too much?
  4. Are you always tired after minor exertion?
  5. Have you had a sudden onset of a severe illness such as diabetes, cancer, MS, lupus where you were previously healthy and these conditions do NOT run in your family?
  6. Has your physical appearance seemed to deteriorate rapidly?  Are you prematurely aging?  Are you gaining weight quickly due to stress overeating?  Losing quickly due to extreme anxiety?
  7. Are you greying SLOWER THAN NORMAL?
  8. Do you have strange dreams with repetitive themes such as rejection?
  9. Do you have strange pain in certain areas of you body–especially at home and in certain rooms?  Have you felt the need to more your sleeping place due to lack of sleep?  Do you sleep better away from home?
  10. Do you have vertigo with no cause that lasts and lasts?
  11. Are you weaker on one side now?  Is there no explanation?
  12. Do you feel heart palpitations?/fast heartbeat?
  13. Do you catch constant “colds” or infections that run on for months and only go away as summer comes?
  14. Do you have little “accidents” at home and away?  Do you fall while walking for no reason–feeling like you were tripped or pushed down?  Do you bump into things and have lots of bruises?  Do you cut yourself accidentally and there is no PHYSICAL CAUSE FOR ANY OF THESE THINGS?
  15. Do you have dental problems where your teeth were healthy before?
  16. Do you get sexually stimulated at odd and inappropriate times and are made to feel guilty and dirty?
  17. Do you get feeling “heated up” or cooked when you think the “wrong thing” or are emotionally incited?  Do you wake up drenched with sweat at night every hour or so?


III.  Mind Control

  1. Have you started to hear “voices” that emanate inside your head, from the wall, from an appliance with a motor running like a refrigerator, fan, or heater?  Does no one else hear them.  Do they sound like people you know as in co workers, family or even friends?
  2. Have you been having intrusive thoughts, usually negative, at just the wrong time?  If you do, you will know what I mean.
  3. Are weird coincidences happening in your life where it seems you are prophetic, as in dreams, or opinions that are strange that turn out to be right?  Do you see odd combinations of numbers popping up on license plates or even the clock as you look at it?  They can be repetitive numbers usually “666” or “333” or “999” or “111”.  They can also represent dates like birth dates or death dates or other important dates like anniversaries especially if you are estranged from the person.
  4. Do you see “visions” with your eyes closed that are disturbing and negative?  Have you seen “visions” with your eyes open?
  5. Do you seem to “haunted” by dead friends, relatives, co workers, public by lookalike actors?  Do they act negative towards you? Some people even see lookalikes of dead celebrities and politicians….haven’t seen Nixon yet!
  6. Do you have  trouble concentrating on things that were easy before?
  7. Do you have some memory loss/forgetting words/forgetting names/appointments etc…at times?
  8. Are you having trouble grasping difficult concepts you were able to learn before?  Are you having trouble concentrating on any in-depth reading (such as philosophy or theology or science) that you enjoyed before?
  9. Are you suddenly clumsy in public and bump into people and things and knock them over?  Is your balance or spatial cognizance off?  Do your feel social ineptness you didn’t have before, or overcame?
  10. Have you experienced FORCED SPEECH either muttered or spoken aloud that are inappropriate or disturbing in public or even in private with windows open and a perp outside?
  11. Do you have trouble speaking fluently?  Do you stammer when you didn’t before?  Do you scramble words in a sentence?  Do you speak “word salad” at times?  Do you sound like an uneducated rube in public but sound much better on “paper”?
  12. Do you feel your mind is being read and is confirmed by a reaction when you “think something” to someone?  Do you have “conversations” with the Voice to Skull?
  13. Does Voice to Skull badger you and torment you all day with threats and ridicule?


IV.  Spiritual–the part they want me to leave out.

  1. Do you feel farther from God?  Cold towards God?
  2. Do you hear voices telling you they are God and you are going to Hell?
  3. Are bad things happening to you all the time?
  4. Do you feel a sense of oppression or bondage in your life?
  5. Do you feel cursed?  Is a blessing sent into your life and reversed?
  6. Have witches or other occultists taken up residence around you or gotten hired at your job?  Do previously religious friends seem to be “falling away” from their previous devotion to their religion?
  7. Do you feel your prayers are blocked?
  8. Do you feel God has turned His Back?  Have you been told you have demons?
  9. Do you no longer feel happiness or joy?  Do you rarely laugh?  Is the laugh shallow and stops soon?
  10. Do you get panic/anxiety attacks upon awakening?  All the time?  When you do something the perps don’t want you to do?
  11. Are you falling away from your own religion?
  12. Is it HARD TO PRAY, praise, or contact God in any way?

These are just some of the symptoms of targeting.  Almost all mimic physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual trouble.  Sometimes the things you feel are real symptoms of real disorders, so see a doctor or religious leader if in doubt.

If you “have” most or a whole lot of these symptoms happening in your life at the same time or over a period of time you may be targeted!


The Bad Friend

These are some of the things I have done for my “friend” I have “destroyed.

Cooking, Cleaning, Getting her ready for housing inspection, gassing and window cleaning her car, vacuuming her car and wiping it out, decluttering her various apartments including a file purge in 2013 that generated a foot of paper, going to ER’s, urgent cares, hospitals and mental hospitals, cutting her toenails, bathing and boarding her cats, getting poop off the butt of her longhair, cooking meals for her on the holidays, doing all her laundry for a number of years, lugging her former cats to the vet with her, going with her for “moral support” to her father’s house to get him to do what she wants, listening to endless bitter rants about men rejecting her (men that did not go on even one date with her), shampooing her rug on my hands and knees with a small steam cleaner, schlepping to the bank on Saturday mornings so she can gorge herself on free donuts, looking up shit on Google for her even though she took years of computer classes, giving her cats their medicine, the Great Clothing Purge of getting rid of shit she had since High School, hunting her down to visit her at a halfway house after not hearing from her in forever, Sunday Brunch at my house almost every week, “playing” games on the computer with her which involved her always playing and me never playing, turning up the heat to 74 and paying the bill when she stayed over, paying her long distance bills she “forgot” to tell me about from using my phone, sitting with her during an anxiety attack and urging her to take a pill and sitting with her until it began to work, rushing to the store to get Gas-X when she thought she was having a “heart attack”, bleaching out her litter boxes after one of her cats had giardia instead of her buying new ones, etc…etc…etc…..the poop stuck to the bottom like glue……..I ruined her life.

The Liar

And now to the main post….

I had a conversation with the man who ruined my friend’s life and now is conspiring with her father to get a guardian for her.  He did his dirty work and won’t FUCKING GO AWAY.  I think he has been recruited to perp full time.  My friend’s father, an emotionally abusive man who probably screwed up my friend, is now FRIENDS with C.  C. used to hate this guy and now they are “friends” and oh…no big surprise…I’m the bad guy.

Since he has not had the “decency” to go away after fucking things up, I continued to talk to him since I could not block his number from my phone and I was having trouble getting around without “rides” from him.  He kept harping on how “bad off” my “friend” was but HE did it.  I’m convinced he dropped acid or PCP or something in her drink.  Otherwise he’d talk about sports or endlessly pump his liberal garbage at me.

The last time I talked to him on the phone, he ACCUSED ME of screwing up my sometimes friend!!!!!  She was screwed up major time when I met her back in 1989!!!!!  I helped her with everything in her life since then except when she wasn’t “talking” to me and also recently after her fake nervous breakdown/hospitalization/weirdness.  Even I can’t stand her now.  All the things I did for her…I could write a book.  Maybe I will.  Turns out her nasty FATHER accuses me of screwing up his daughter who has always been different anyway and now C. BELIEVES him!  Welcome aboooard, C. says Daddy.


First things First

Just when things could not get any worse…

First off, the man who provided a video forum for ti’s for a year is dead.  Just like that. Paul Marko died Feb. 6, 2018.  No information is provided as to what he died of as yet.  He was brave to host a ti forum even though he was not a ti.  He had recently taken a trip to the US (from South America where he lived) to help his wife’s parents.  He was disgusted at our social/political situation saying he never saw people so divided in his life and America was a changed place.  He was probably in his early 60s, that’s it.  He ran Pineconeutopia website and You Tube site and also hosted the Techno Crime Fighters Forum for awhile before handing it over to Ramola D.  He studied all kinds of topics on his forum but got energized to help targeted individuals after hearing from them.  He did not back down after a few weeks like so many people who “help” ti’s and probably got targeted himself.

I’ll come back later with my main post.  Many people will miss Dr. Paul Marko.




New Year Blues

It is the afternoon of Dec. 31, 2017.  Soon yet another year will come.  How was your year?  Mine sucked again.  After all the excitement over the new President, my gs and V2k only got worse.

I have enjoyed? watching the Forum with (now) Ramola D., but she has fewer viewers and less traffic but she is growing slowly.  Having non-ti’s involved (Paul and Mindy) seemed to make the show more “legit” somehow to outsiders who could be convinced.  I like the show but the reason for having to watch it is ABOMINATION. How can we, in the land of the “free” be worse off than slaves?

The Construction is over for now on my street but a new phone tower is up and running literally in the front yard.  My cat checked out at the vet, thank God.  She is not that young anymore.  It’s very cold now after a very long warm Fall.

I was alone for Thanksgiving and Christmas and now New Year.  My “friend’s” situation has improved.  She has been discharged from the hospital and is now home and has her car.  She was acting like she didn’t want her cats back.

The shit with my therapist hurt the most.  I won’t trust a therapist again.  I thought we were “close”.  We laughed, we joked, I shared pics of my cat with her.  I even bought a tiny t shirt to put on the cat to show her.  The cat hated it.  I went through all kinds of shit with her since early 2015 and thought she would be there for me.  Now I have no one to tell my stuff to.  Friends come and go but I didn’t think a therapist would shank me like that.  She really helped me in late 2015 when I was literally falling apart, and then again in 2016.  This year it seems we were sort of just hanging in there.

My “sister” will be 50 this coming year and I still have not seen her since 2005.  13 years.  Sick of using FB to check up on her.  She is blessed to even be 50.  She has had cancer and heart disease already.

I am still sitting under the shadow of that false accusation.

I wish there was better news to tell.



Long time no write

I have not written in a long time essentially due to lack of reader interest.  I feel I must put something out however.  The perps are in an all out war with me and I feel helpless and very hopeless.

Way back on Inauguration Day I  I heard a V2k telling me not to look forward to the Trump administration because it would be WORSE for me.  I assumed it was sour grapes from an upset Liberal perp.  Things have gotten much worse very fast these past few months.

The tiny few things in my life are all gone.  It started the Friday before Halloween.

I was out with this man who takes me to my appointments, etc and he was buying me and my on/off friend I have (see previous posts) dinner at Subway.  The only reason I was having him drive me around is because the gangstalking and threats have become so bad when I’m alone on the bus I started using him to take me around because he offered.  That is a post in itself and I can’t get into it here but let’s just say we haven’t really been getting along since Trump get elected.

What usually happens is that he takes me to whatever appointment I need to go to and also goes by the store with me so I don’t run out of food. He also took me out to lunch sometimes at pretty expen$ive places like we were dating or something. Well, this day was Friday and I needed to also be dropped off at my friend’s house about 10 miles from my apartment.  She was on the phone per usual demanding she get bought a meal as well.  He hasn’t been getting along with her and does not want to buy her meals or eat with her but agreed to pick up fast food.

When we got to Subway, even though I was full from the big lunch we ate a few hours before, he asked me if I wanted anything so I agreed to let him buy me dinner since my friend is sort of stingy with her food and probably only offer me a cheese sandwich or something if I didn’t come with food.

I ordered her sandwich per her instructions (roasted chicken sub with everything on wheat bread) and ordered my sandwich as well.  I was going to pay but the man who takes me around wanted to so he did.  I went to get my drink and he went to get hers at the drink fountain.

While I was pouring and capping my drink I noticed his fingers twiddling over my cup.  I was nervous but hoped it was just a nervous habit.   I didn’t notice him doing anything to her drink.  As we were leaving I saw him wiping his hand on his shirt and became suspicious.  I had also noticed his hand hovering over my drink bottle and even resting on it in the recent past when in his car and was getting paranoid of him.

He drove me to my friend’s house a few blocks away, and I started to eat my meal and I was so thirsty I drank part of my drink with a straw thinking whatever he put was on top and the straw takes the drink from the bottom.  I poured out at least half of it.  I warned her that he might have spiked our drinks, but, of course, she just fluffed me off as usual.

Later that evening I got into a particularly angry fight with my friend and she wanted to kick me out or call that guy who drives me around but then we went to bed.  She never ate her sandwich or drank her drink, telling me that she had eaten an entire pizza earlier.  I asked her why she wanted food not to eat it and she said “he always buys you food so I wanted some too and will eat it tomorrow.”

After a tense day which included her cat running off and having her perp “neighbors” help catch him, we went to the store.  I was too upset to go inside.  I carried her groceries inside her apartment and she packed up some stuff to spend the night at my apartment.  She took her Subway meal.  She said she’d eat that rather than me feeding her.  She even angrily grabbed her sandwich when we were getting out of her car at my apt. letting me take everything else of course.

I was angry and tired by the time we finally got to my apartment.  She ate her dinner and I must have eaten something of my own.  After she ate she just plopped on my bed and said how tired she was.  She went to sleep right away.  I decided to unwind before bed by watching You Tube.  She was thrashing and moaning in her sleep as I did this but thought it was her arthritis.  She usually just snores loudly.  She has RA.

I finally crawled into bed at 3am and awoke to her using the bathroom at only 6am.  I called her name several time but she would not answer.  Finally she said “bitch”.  I said, “what”?  Then she described a dream where I was attacking her and she had to kill me.  She said she was done with me and was leaving right now.  I kept asking her if she didn’t want breakfast, etc…but she ran off with her laundry and her change of clothes and groceries for our breakfast and went right home.

I was angry and shocked but not too surprised since she “turns” on me all the time and does not talk to me for sometimes up to a year.  I would have nothing to do with her except she HAD two adorable tomcats and it was a place to get away from my apartment (perp central).  Then started the calls.

She would call, call, call, me all the time sounding crazier and crazier but never come over.  I got news that a damn nurse was giving her her “meds”.  She already has LOTS of housekeeping including cat care so she virtually does nothing but attend a food bank that she does not need and the store and doc appointments.

Apparently, she was going very crazy and threatening everyone she knows and her trustee was getting very involved with her life to “help” her as well as this chick connected with the state that takes her to the doctors to supervise them in order to make sure the doctors don’t take advantage of her.  This chick has been no help ( I call her a “chick” because I have no respect for her and think she wants my friend’s money) to her and even a hindrance.  My friend has tried to get rid of her and can’t because she signed all kinds of crap literally giving her life away to the state if anything “happened” to her.  This was only a few MONTHS before my friend’s “nervous breakdown”.

Nothing was helping.  My friend would not drive her own car nor do anything else but yell on the phone all day.  One day she said that she was coming to my house because she was afraid she was going to get institutionalized.  She did this three times and never showed up.  I was afraid she was going into the hospital too, and wanted to keep her cats until she got out but my darling perp landlady refused to let them stay.

The last time she said she was “definitely” coming to my house she went the other way to that man’s house because later I found out she was “scared” of me.  She had her cats in the car.  She has never been to this man’s house and got lost and then found by a cop who took her car to impound, her cats to the pound, and my friend to the hospital.  She was transferred to a very locked ward the next day and is supposedly coming home today with nurses over there every day to watch her take her “meds” which now probably include antipsychotics.  She has no cats and her damn money hungry FATHER has her car.  Her new SUV.  The one cool car she has ever had.

I think we were slipped drugs at Subway by the man I will call C.  I got angry the night I ate and drank and forgot later what we argued about.  She ate her sandwich and drank her whole drink then has been on a downward spiral ever since.  I think we got dropped acid.  I only drank half my drink so my effect was less.  I have never seen my friend have a nightmare like that one.  I think he, that damn chick who goes to the doctor with her and her father and GOD KNOWS WHO ELSE have conspired to take her down and get her money by becoming “power of attorney” and also to take me down and put me in the street to die there since V2k has assured me NO ONE will help me if I become homeless.  I have had many nightmares of this situation.

In my life, it has not been easier.  I decided to stop talking to C. after a few weeks seeing a plot afoot.  He started a few months ago being very rude to me and acting in a sexual manner around me by flicking his tongue and leering and rubbing his leg in the car.  I finally said it was “enough” and he said “good luck” and dropped me off.  But he didn’t stop calling.  I told him to leave me alone and finally accused him of doing the things I think he did that Friday night.  He stabbed me in the back my calling my therapist and lying and saying I was in danger.  I was sitting at the computer when TWO squad cars with their lights on and a “therapist” showed up to the house.  I did not let them in and assured them I was fine.

I quickly got to the bottom of it and after initially lying, C. admitted to the whole thing.  Then I angrily left my therapist a message.  She called back but instead of apologizing and saying she made the wrong decision, she defended herself and said “we would talk about it in the next session”.  I went to the next session, alone on the bus along with perping and another random accusation against me angry as hell.

I told her she was fired and she just said “ok” like it was nothing even though I have worked with her for over 3 years–the longest therapist I have had in the mental health system–and then she tried to coldly defend herself like she was the Queen of the mental health center.  (my friend says mental sickness)  I gave her plenty of openings to apologize and say she made a wrong judgement by not calling me first but she was not having it.  I left without a therapist.  She even “kindly” offered to haul me back off to my old office so I could see my old shrink (I have both shrink and therapist) and get a “new” therapist.  I am all out of trust so I said no the offer and said I’d keep my doctor at the new place miles further from my home.  Did she get paid too???  I have never had a therapist betray me like this.  I’m usually scared of the doctors since they have the pills.

So now I’m down a friend, the guy who helped me, two feline friends, and a therapist.  I thought God might be angry at me.  Then, one morning I went onto the porch to hear two perps talking to each other saying that this was a takedown operation in “stages” and the other perp said she was so “excited”.  I don’t know what precipitated this huge uptake in my gangstalking but have a few guesses.  My landlady is sick of taking the bus with me to the store, appointments and now I have to go alone and am very scared of being attacked, robbed, etc.

I have started reading ebooks since Summer when the angry construction workers mocking me all day started, and V2k threatens me with living outside in the cold if I continue to read.  They also have an obsession with the color pink and threaten me not to wear it.  I bought a pink t-shirt in defiance of this but when I went to put it on I heard a voice say, “If you put that on you will not know what hit you.”  Since I already do not know what “hit me” I put the t-shirt down.  Yesterday I found a very close replica of one of my get this–BRAS–in the front yard with the unsaid warning not to wear it since it has a pink BOW.  I hate these soulless Nazis.  Braindead hive minded zombies.

I don’t know if you will believe this story but it’s true.  My gangstalking and V2k predation have gotten much worse since Trump got in and they were very bad to start with under Obama.  I have been a ti since Reagan was President.

I’m very isolated now and my blog seems virtually abandoned since Neverending1 disappeared.  I guess I’m posting this as evidence if anything happens to me.  The problems from before (previous posts) still continue.

This is the worst part.  I was interrogated in my sleep with what sounded like cops asking me about two people I hate. I failed the interrogation since I was asleep and had no defenses.  This was not the first time I have been “questioned” in my sleep.  Since they know everything already and access our minds asleep and awake, why have cops. It was like a “precrime” session to determine if I’d hurt my hateful neighbor and someone else.  I’m terrified.




The Orangemen never leave


Being constantly perped and ridiculed by construction workers around my apartment for 18 months.  They really outdid themselves today.  My “neighbor” goes around and “talks” to them and then instant perp hell!  I get taunted and sexually harassed in English and Spanish all day long.  My “protocol” has gotten way worse since Trump was inaugurated.  I was hoping it would die down when he got into office. The race carding is continuing as well.


I have been hearing a lot about Yellowstone erupting on You Tube lately.  If it does erupt, I will be in the ash zone.

I went with my parents there before it was discovered to be a giant volcano.  I was not impressed because I saw no bears and we didn’t do much exploring.  It was also June and snowing while there was a tornado back home a mile from my house.

The best way to see Yellowstone is to camp on the flats and fish or hike the peaks.  I would not go now.  Is it al. over?  If a massive eruption takes place it would end the world economy plunging the world into a nuclear winter and killing millions in the US from hot ash and steam.

The volcano is overdue to erupt.

Lil Stalker

Today I have been in a horrible mood because of yesterday and having to cook all day in the heat (unappreciated) and something else perpy.  I was going nuts when I decided to Google my sister AGAIN.  I am sorry to admit I sort of “stalk” her online to find out what’s going on with her since she does not talk to me.  For once, I hit ‘pay dirt”.  I found a short blog from her about some HEART SURGERY she had 2 years ago.  I wrote the post To my Estranged Sister right around that time while she was miserable and recovering from surgery! There is something psychic or spiritual about that–I mean, thinking of her right after she had surgery!

Turns out, she has had heart disease for years!  It’s related to her brush with Cancer back in the 1980’s!  I never knew.  Her aortic valve had been closing and she needed a transplanted aortic valve from a cow!  That was major major surgery, even more than the abdominal surgery I had in 2010!  She was in ICU and they sent me to the ward after the operation!

She spent a week? in the hospital, maybe more, but when she came out started to exercise right away even though she barely could!  Her list of symptoms put me to shame!  My stomach shit gave me gas attacks and bad heartburn, etc and lower lung function, but, she had been going downhill for years!

Her last post is 2 weeks? post op and she had BURNING in her chest!  My incision after the first week or so mainly itched!  Same operation stuff, though.  Can’t sit, can’t stand, can’t lie down.  I remember those long nights listening to Dr. Laura and to Coast to Coast until I finally fell asleep sitting up against the bed board. 

I am assuming that she is recovered now but wonder how long her lifespan is with a broken heart.  I do wish she would call or write.  I’m afraid one day I’ll discover she died an early death!  She will be 50 next year which is excellent since I did not think she would even live until 21 after she had Cancer at 19!!

My eldest nephew will graduate High School next year as well.  When she called me the morning of our Father’s funeral she acted crabby and you know…I had no idea she might have been feeling bad. I always thought she came away from her Cancer in good health.  I have not set eyes on her in 12 1/2 years, but, got a pic of her (in a hospital bed!)  She looked like I did a few years ago!  We could pass as twins!  I’m fatter and have more wrinkles now, however than she did in that pic, but, I saw myself and our mother looking back at me on that page!

She looked the way I looked at 42 or so!  OK 35, ya’ll. And she was 46!  Better skin care products and probably not as much junk food.  I managed to see a sort of blurry pic of her at a picnic with her husband and one nephew.  She was wearing glasses.

I sort of feel bad about playing the “stalker” online but she is my only sister.  I have no one else.  Our parents are dead and my Aunts and Uncles are dead and I have no contact with cousins.  Please, please, please N. would you call me?





Don’t listen to the Devil

Summer is finally here.  Next month will be my SEVENTH anniversary of hearing I “lost my salvation”.  God has never restored or reassured me that things were OK between us again even after I gave up all my bad habits, took to Bible study, even gave up pork for awhile, fasted once a week, etc….

It all started (I mean my 7 years of Backsliding) when the Devil or a demon spoke in my head (or voice to skull) saying, “it’s been 8 years since you were saved and your live has not changed.  God is ripping you off! You are still fat (this was the one), still single, still poor, still living in filth! You even got turned down for weight loss surgery! Look at this! Do you see a change???”

This was right after a rock idol of mine died and I took it way too hard after bragging to others that even if one of my rock idols dies I won’t be sad because I have Jesus now.  It was a bolt from the blue.

That very evening after I heard of his odd tragic death (they all kind of die that way don’t they?  What about Prince, Whitney Houston, and Micheal Jackson?)  I was depressed and speechless and some voice came in my ear and said that God was “ripping me off” and sort of implying I didn’t have God at all!

I responded to that voice (not having heard of talking demons or V2k) with rebellion against God.  It started small and grew.  I tried to rein myself in about a year after the death and go back on the path but I wasn’t really as serious as I was before.  I found out a former friend died in early 2005 and fell deep into sin after that.  I also found out I was a ti for real in 2005 and felt God had indeed ripped me off.  The reasoning was that if He didn’t care I wouldn’t care.  But, even though my life sucked He did care.  He removed all His blessings on my life one by one over the next 5 years until, on July 26, 2010 I heard a loud voice that vibrated my whole body tell me that I lost my Salvation. It was early in the morning when I woke up.  At first, I thought it was V2k and got over it after a day.  Then, the attacks came.  I heard voices telling me I was no good, and that God thought I was trash, I had nightmares, depression, insomnia and things got so bad I had to go to the ER with an anxiety attack in January 2011.

I had already got myself connected with Christians online to try and work this out.  At first, they told me the “devil” was talking to me and I needed to reform my behavior and come back to God. I needed to pray, fast, read the Bible, give up rock music, fantasies, my black hair, etc….  I obeyed them but things did not get better.  I even had a telephone “deliverance” where the deliverance minister said I had been set free.  But I wasn’t.  Later, I went on a fast and had a ‘revelation” that I had unconfessed  sin in my life.  I hurried home to my internet “friend” and told her and she said, THAT’S IT, now repent after me and you will be free.  But I wasn’t.

At the ER I received my first Ativan which began a benzo addiction that continues to this day.  I went dragging back to shrinks after 3 years of being free of them and also got antidepressants and a sleeping pill.  Even all drugged up I was still a mess and crying all the time.  I spent all day listening to Christian podcasts and remote deliverance shows.  By April 2011, all those Christians I met online were GONE. I began to suspect God had told them to leave me alone.

I now believe that my loss of Salvation was permanent.  Seven years is the time Job was tormented by devils then he was set free.  My life is worse than ever.

Even though I was a ti back then and heard voices I could still wear what I wanted and had more physical freedom than now.  The hatred was not so malignant, with people acting like this was a big joke.  Now people hate me for real.  I’m in bondage. I dared to wear some NAIL POLISH the perps did not like thinking it was trivial, but I paid. Nothing is off limits.  I’m even feeling physical jolts more often.  I used to be more at peace, as well, and would laugh more frequently.  Now, if I laugh, I still feel the bitterness inside.

God might have delivered me from the perps, even if partially, if I had obeyed that night and did not “mourn” my rock star.  I was “mourning” him for years, wearing only black most of the time.

Backsliding starts small and progresses like soul cancer.  I believe I even started to backslide the year before after discovering Christian Hard Rock.  I had a journal from 1998, and even though I did not overtly sin, I was very bitter and angry.  I wasn’t even walking the walk back in ’98!  Still God put up with me back then seeing I was trying my best and not in open rebellion.

The reason why I wanted to post this is that you should never ever listen to the voice of Hell telling you that you have it ill with God.  When I first backslid, I still talked to my family, could wear what I wanted and enjoyed life to a degree.  I loved God and wanted to serve Him even though my life sucked and I had “enemies” all over it seemed.  Do not listen to the damn Devil tell you God is ripping you off.  One thing I DID have before all this was I was pretty sure I was Saved.  The Devil will lie and lie to get you to rebel and Backslide until even God gives up on you.

Later for awhile, I embraced Calvinism because I thought if I got saved back then I was still saved and if I was lost I had lost nothing.  Predestination seemed to work for me.  Now I don’t know. Hyper Calvinism is going around like the Christian Flu because it appeals to the egos of the believers that think they are the “elect”.  How does anyone know for sure?

Whatever the doctrine is, I feel a sense of loss in my life now.  I used to talk to God without fear and felt a sort of friendliness I don’t feel now.  God seems to have become deaf and blind to my plight.  For years, I have tried to “make it up” to HIm, but He is not buying.  Never listen to the Devil.

BTW the dear perps are threatening me and telling me not to post this.

My Shrink

My shrink (yes I was conned back into the psych game due to V2k and intense “demonic” attacks), was acting funny yesterday.

I only see her once every few months but this time she came and got me on time (never happens) and was all business, not even a smile or “hi”.  Her mood seemed so heavy at first I thought something was going down and I was gonna get hauled off somewhere.

Her questioning was pointed, acting like I was losing even basic life skills.  Then she tried to pitch me the antipsychotic drugs again…again!!!!!  I know probably half the “clients” she sees are probably ti’s or have been victimized by the system some way.  Very few people there at the center look or act crazy and that ones that are are probably the ones that are on the most DRUGS.

The first time I saw a shrink was in my teens and I was pitched antipsychotics at FIFTEEN even though I had no voices or hallucinations.  I became suicidally  depressed on the poison and that is how I ended up in the state hospital at SIXTEEN, and I think they wanted me for a long time or even forever.  That is when I ran and by a miracle was not made to go back even though my “head therapist” tried to con me into going back “inside”.  We even had a “final meeting” INSIDE THE UNIT.  I did not breathe until one of the “counselors” opened the gate to let my parents and I out.

Back to now…

I even recently made the comment that if I allowed them to drug me to the gills, make me gain 100 pounds, lose 30 IQ points, get diabetes, etc…they would probably find me a new place to live.  I am basically uncooperative with the drugs so they won’t do shit for me.  I did not tell the shrink that comment but made it to someone else.

I know these finks have the inside track to low income housing but refuse to help.  Also, there are several clients each time I go that are clearly homeless but still go get their pills.  They will literally give you them for free even if you sleep under a bridge.

I did a post on my old blog about forced drugging and maybe I should resurrect it.  The person I knew who was drugged got all kinds of goodies from the system except her freedom.  Her attitude was one of anger and disgust the last time I saw her. She was also a perp.

She tried to hurt me badly but she was/still is? a textbook case of how far the system would go to control someone.  Someone gets rich off our misery and the demoniacs get high off the negative emotions.  I really expected to see a cop inside her office when I went back.